So I met a boy he's cute and smart and amazing, everything that anyone could ever want in a person. I can feel myself falling but keep trying to find a rope so I can continued to be bolstered and not crash and burn. I don't think I will mostly because I am aware of the fact that we're not going to go out, that nothing is going to come out of it. I've come to realize that throughout my highschool experience I've had all different types of relationships with all different kinds of boys, some of them I got over alarmingly fast and others left me unbearably heartbroken, but the one thing that they all have in common is that they don't have an effect on me any more, I mean of course I have learned some valuable life lessons from them but I got over every tear and bad night and shitty dates and right now I'm fine, any of those boys could get married tomorrow and I would probably express no emotion towards it. I liked every one of them as much as I like Chris at one point so I'm hoping that when things don't work out I can just skip the whole being depressed part and just be like wow we did have some fun times together and I shouldn't be upset about that. I met him through my friend I went to her prom beause I hate my school and Chris is her friend and we went to his beach house on fire island for two days after prom. It was so amazing, the first night we didn't get there till like 4 and no one wanted to sleep. Chris and I walked on the beach and had unforced conversation about our past and our plans for the future. It was totally one of those moments when you have to think to yourself wow maybe sometimes things in the movies actually happen in real life, and then all the sudden you're like damnit I'm gonna like this kid I can tell. We sat down infront of the house near the dunes and talked more as it started to get light out. Then when I started to fall asleep on the sand he helped me back into the house because I was too tired to do even function properly. As tired and dysfunctional as I was I could feel it in my heart, his kindess was radiating and I could feel it in my heart that at this point there was no turning back. I slept over his house last night, he came back to the island to work and since his parents are still on fire island he had the house to himself. He confuses me so much, I don't think that I can't admit to myself that he likes me. We were in his room looking on facebook and I cleverly put on the song coffee shop by landon pigg, like the cutest song ever created. It was such a moment but he didn't do anything he just sat in his stupid desk chair. It's not like we haven't done stuff before... don't even get me started on the last night of fire island. Then his friend called him she was having a really bad night and he asked me if I wanted to hang out with her and her friend, at first I was like is this seriously happening, like seriously. But after I met them I was glad they came, they were so fun and I think maybe I showed him that I can be cool with everyone, that I'm someone he would want to date pretty much. I didn't sleep at all last night, I can never sleep when I'm around him or eat I think its because he makes me so confused. He keeps talking about his best friend Brian and his girlfriend, he gets so upset whenever they fight and I think he spent a good hour on fire island trying to convince Brian not to break up with her. I remember it was the first night at the house before we even went for our walk Chris said to Brian. "I'm jealous of what you have." I don't know why that little phrase had such an effect on me, but it was just the way he said it I knew he wanted someone to love, to have cute inside jokes with and want to be with all the time, and even though he told me that he didn't want a girlfriend (numerous times) I can't stop thinking about when he said that, and how he said and as much he neglects it I know he meant it. We have an undeniable connection but I can't deny the fact that he does send me mixed messages, so I'm not sure if I should continue on and hope that I can fight on no matter what happens between us or should I leave it now and avoid having any kind of heart ache. I think I'm scared and maybe for now I shouldn't take risks considering I'm just starting to get better from a long struggle with severe depression and I don't want to throw it all away but I guess somethings are easier said than done.