I understand her motives.  My mother's intentions are pure.  No one in life will ever love me as deeply and completely as my parents.  I do not think I was capable of seeing this when I was younger, when they told me not to marry my ex- ... I thought I knew better, I only knew that I loved him, and I expected that to carry us through.

 

Mom is totally against me taking this trip to California.  She and my father are terrified that I will be hurt.  They could be right, who knows?

 

I am generally not a reckless person.  In fact, I am cautious to a fault, at least historically, but somewhere along the line, pain has given me a ticket to freedom.  Even with the best laid plans, sometimes, life kicks you in the ass, but you get up.  Eventually.

 

Knowing that I can get back on my feet again makes me a little more courageous.  Looking back makes me really sad sometimes, but in all honesty, even if I could have known how it would end, I still would have married my ex-husband.  The shitty ending still cannot erase all the wonderful in between. 

 

This is the start of a new wonderful, and yes, it holds a great deal of unknowns, and possibly sorrow.   At the moment, I cannot imagine how T and I could possibly assemble a lasting union based on our present set of circumstances.  I know my parents are worried about that.   When my mom asks why I am doing this knowing a future together is unlikely, I only know what I want in the here and now.  It isn't as though I am ready to give up home and career and fly off to India, but by God, I'm not ruling anything out.

 

Last March, in the midst of trying to put my life back together, I was taking one of my first yoga classes, hoping to find a small measure of inner peace.  The instructor was guiding us in the Natarajasana.  I lost my balance and kicked the guy behind me in the head.  I don't think T has ever recovered from the blow!  Neither have I ... always be open to an adventure.

 

It is hard to describe what attracted me beyond his appearance.  He has the kindest face I have ever seen, tranquil, welcoming ... usually, he looks like he is trying to hide a smile.  He's sweet, he's wild, he is unpredictable.  He forces me out of my comfort zone and encourages me to test my wings.  He is content and self-assured and his hopes for us are coming from a place of desire, not need.  I crave love without dependence, and this holds such promise.

 

Funny thing is - I'm not really scared.  Ordinarily, I would be terrified, but how can I be afraid of a man who opens my heart this way, someone who shares and encourages my questions, my sense of wonder at the vast potential of the human soul and spirit?

 

It could very well be that 7 days in Santa Monica is all we get.  When he left New York in April, I had no idea if and when we would see each other again, and here we are ... I love him.  I am certain, and he has told me that he loves me too.  What more can you ask for when really, that's all we ever have?