I vowed to never be "that girl".  The one that started out cool and then turned into a nagging ball buster.  The one that got angry and refused to find a smile.  The one that made someone else feel guilt and pain when I had a whim.

I watch myself do it nearly every day now.  Once, in a relationship, you cross that line -- have your first squabble, introduce a certain tone of voice and extreme of behaviour, it's very hard to go back.

It doesn't mean we fight everyday, it just means that there are things I never wanted to be okay, that are okay, now.  I nearly ruined my own birthday -- as it was slept alone the night before.  I ruined the 4th of July.

I say things like "well if you don't care/can't do better than that/didn't call soon enough then you I'll just see you next week/tomorrow/whenever."  And as I'm saying it I KNOW it's not a matter of them not caring, or even putting a foot out of place.

I'm being a fucking princess, and having the hardest time coping with the fact that sometimes this situation is hard on me.  I am number 2 in his life and I act like that is some terrible demotion when honestly, it's an amazing compliment and honor to gift to someone you've known only a short 9 or 10 weeks.

I've said, SAID, that I believe that his daughter should come first.  That I understand that when work is done, if it is plausible and doable for him to spend the next lump of time with her, that I wouldn't even allow him to be seen doing otherwise.

Then, that said, it's the 4th and I know he's there with her, but even knowing what he's doing I squabble over the sparcity of his calls during the day and before we're supposed to have plans.  Even though I knew the deal, when he does call at 5pm I get upset and speak in short stunted angry sentences.  Now I've decided he's called too late, and it would just be a hassle now for me to drive there... where would I park... you know.

And what I want, at that moment is the man to cower and apologize.  Tell me how much he wants me there and reassure me that there is a plan and that I will be taken care of if I come out.

I suppose there is a little wrong on his side... knowing that I do need a plan and do need to be taken care of if I go out to a place I never usually go on a busy holiday... he doesn't have a plan -- or know where I'll park or what I'll even do.

He just lets go... tells me okay, he'll make other plans.  See you later.  Which is also something he knows will cause my anger bubble to ruminate and grow...

And the core of it is: yes, I do sometimes need a bit more from him, or need a slight change.  I need him to react a bit differently so as not to set us both off in a very negative way... but I also don't need to make him feel like a slimeball because I'm feeling lonely and lacking in my own life.

I have a lot to do, honestly, and I probably should be getting more of it done.  It's most likely better that he IS rather busy. 

I suppose I'm just scared.  I find any reason to push back and give myself a reason to hurt and to run.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone quite this way... or been quite so afraid of it.

I look back at J., my last boyfriend, and I realize a fair bit of what kept me coming back to that relationship was the illusion of stability.  He was a trust fund baby, and when I was there, even if I had my own money issues, I had this overall feeling wellbeing knowing that he could take care of me.

So yes, do I feel better matched to B.? Yes.  Do I love him? Certainly.  But he cannot help me and he cannot take care of me.  I've put myself in some icky debt and yet he still needs my help.  I am closer to his work, so he stays with me a bit.  At first, his visits cost him so much in gas that I even gave for that.

Now, I'm in a rough spot, and I find myself relishing going out with J. as friends because we can go out and not think.  I don't mind driving and I don't feel every dollar spent like it's coming through my ears.

It's funny, I never understood that.  People where money mattered so much to their relationships.  I felt it was such a superficial and terrible thing to put any weight on.

Now, here I am -- what am I running to or away from? 

I need to calm down... maybe eat another yogurt. :)