What if tomorrow comes and I'm not here?

 

These words are shredding my heart and I'm lost wondering if maybe this is it.  I don't care about the petty bugs wandering the sea of grass or the mother birds pushing their younglings out of the nest.  It all doesn't matter to me anymore.  I've seen grown men with gray hair lead a nation into a war, that he would never fight in.  My friends are losing their lives and I'm here.  The surgical community echo's freedom to the sick but only if they have swimming pools full of money or are willing to sacrafice their eyes to the surrounding overwhelming debt that will kill off our middle class.  I don't want this life anymore.  Physically I feel like one more day is too much for these bones to handle.  Emotionally I'm torn in a moral dilema but in the grand scheme of things, I'm a spec in this world and yeah people will cry for the next 50 years over these decisions.  I can't stand tall anymore, but I'm afraid to fall.  Spiritually i lost all hope in god when my vision of god ambiguously changed on a monthly basis.  I saw good months where god blessed my family with the simple things and we got by.  I saw god rip my soul to shreds when his blood pored down his body for my weakness's and now I'll never be the same.  If the endless energy flooding the nations with his repentant blessings is so real, why has it made no difference in the hearts of the men that don't believe in these dilusions.  Faith keeps your heart alive but mine collapsed long ago, the day it all became clear.  This is all what we make it, and I simply have no reason to make it anything more.  Good luck to the rest of you and I hope tomorrow becomes the kind of day that I know it won't.  The kind of day where god cares and people are freed from sickness.  Where children aren't starving and God stops hiding.  I hope tomorrow is a new day.