Well, hopefully this wont' last forever, but I only have "1 post remaining" as I am only allowed 5 posts a day.  Hopefully this will change.  Not that it matters, because no one is reading but me, but still.  Fuck.  I want to use this as a fucking journal.

     So, my boyfriend and I had a fight yesterday, and he was totally pissed off at me (I hinted at it in yesterday's blog).  Anyhow, he didn't speak to me all night.  I had a class from 6-10, and when I got home, he went in another room.  Eventually, at about midnight, he came into the TV room where I was, but said nothing.  At about 1am, he said "Let's go to bed", so I did.  He didn't say goodnight or anything like that, and I didn't expect him too.  It's not his style when he is pissed off.
 
     At about 5am, he wakes me telling me he's in pain, and asking me to get him a benadryl and some tylenol.  I did, and he fell back asleep.  At one point, later in the morning, he was kind of holding me a little, and that was good.  So anyway, I got up at 11 (it is a holiday, after all) and put on some coffee and checked the news.  I went back in the bedroom to check on him.  He was awake, and sometimes he sort of gets in this mood where he covers up with a blanket and puts pillows over his face and I never can tell what is going on.  I asked a bunch of questions, such as "do you want me to stay" and "do you want me to go" and "do you want to talk" and all of that, and of course no answer.  I finally got him to talk when I said something and he laughed at it and made a joke.  Good, right?

     So I started joking around, trying to take the pillows away from him and using them for myself.  So he would try to take them back.  You know how this shit goes.  Except that one time, he tried to take a pillow from me, and he accidentally wacked me in the face.  I don't even know if he was a aware of it.  So I told him to stop, I said "time out."  I said, "I'm done."  My face was killing, but I didn't say anything about it.  So he kept trying to take my pillow.  Finally, I told him that he had wacked me in the face and that it hurt and to hang on a minute.

To which he replied, "you ruin everything."  "You're such a baby."  "Get out."  When I tried to say something, he just repeated, "get out."

I don't understand life. I don't understand pain.  I don't undestand how even though HE ruined everything by not caring that my face hurt, I'M the one that ruined everything. 

There's a part of me that recognizes that he is kinaesthetically unaware.. Meaning that he trips over shit all the time, his body is not sensitive to anything, he doesn't feel the difference between light and hard, etc.  He can't throw a ball, he can't catch anything or fix anything. He's always like that.  With everyone. And I suppose that's why his job, his life, involves his mind.  He's really unable to do things with his hands.

Why am I the one who ends up feeling like shit?  What the FUCK??????????  Why can't I figure a fucking thing out? 

He just got up, didn't say anything, went in the other room.  I'm not afraid of him or anything (I'm the one who did a short stint in the military), but the silent treatment  burns me so badly.  I can barely breathe.  I feel like nothing.  I feel like I don't matter.

   Intellectually, I'm a smart girl.  I know that he's behaving like an ass.  I know I shouldn't derive my self-esteem from how he feels in the moment.  I may be intellectually bright, but I am emotionally stunted and hurt.  What the fuck?!  I don't know how to sort this all out.