so yeah, cool.
i feel like shit.
i want to feel good, why can't i?
one of my best friends got kicked out of her house on sunday, and stayed with me until today.
it was really nice, i felt like i had someone close to me all the time, unlike my family.
her life is way worse than mine, and she was convinced that she wasn't going back to her house ever again, she couldn't put up with everything she has to.
of course, she's gone back there now.
i sort of want her to get hurt, although i know that makes me sound like some psychotic bitch, but i want her to realize that her family's not going to change.
unless they do, that would be a good alternative.
i have four friends:
one who is currently on holiday with her family, and when she's not, she's busy all the time;
one who has a boyfriend, who consumes her life,
and another who has a boyfriend, and two jobs, which consume her life.

i have a job, which has stupid hours, making it hard to see any of my friends, and when i'm off, they're either busy or working, or whatever, so i get to stay home by myself and write blogs, yaaaahhhhoooo.
i don't know, maybe that's a good thing, i can get my feelings out, i never tell anyone all of my true feelings, if i did, i would end up hurting everyone. some feelings i've yet to tell anyone:

1) my friend who's a few months younger than me, and a grade behind me, and i feel like she thinks she's better than me and if i tell her anything i've done, she says things like oh, that's great, in a tone that to me sounds like, not like i haven't done that before, and it destroys my self confidence.
2) this other friend is the same age as me, but a bit older, she has her license, and i always feel like she needs to show others that she's just as good as them. she's nice, but i'm always annoyed by her attitude.
3) my last friend is the same age too, and she's fine, but she has no backbone, at all. she lets everyone walk over her, and she does whatever she's told to do. and she always cares about what others think of her, so she doesn't do anything that would ever cause anyone in the world to take offense.
4) my mom drives me insane. i hate living with her sometimes. she can be extremely nice and loving and caring, but there are times when i want to pack up and go live with my dad, on the other side of the world. she screams and yells, which makes me cry, and then she yells at me for crying, and i can't help it, and it drives me nuts. no one is perfect, so there's no need to yell at someone for every little thing, but apparently, never doing drugs, or drinking alcohol, or having sex, or getting above 90% on almost everything in school, that's just not good enough.
5) i have no clue what my dad is doing. he lives on the other side of the world and just got engaged, i haven't met her yet, but i've spoken to her and she sounds nice, i'm invited to the wedding. my dad drinks a lot, and i don't know if he smokes or not, but i wish he'd stop both, but of course, i'm not going to tell him that.
6) this boy is the love of my life. that sounds extremely drastic, but i'm fairly sure he is. i absolutely need him, but that won't happen. we've been in the same class for almost 12 years, and i feel complete when he's around me. i think about him all the time. i've tried three times, to (unsuccessfully) forget about him entirely. he never writes me, i always have to initiate conversations, so i go a whole week without talking to him, and he'll end up writing me, causing me to fall, once again. the usual advice people give others about feelings they have for others is to just tell them, you have nothing to lose, but if i tell him, and he doesn't feel the same way, i'll end up ruining our friendship, and then i would never be near him again. i think i would whither away to nothing.

that's basically it, actually, i just thought of a lot more, but i'll leave those for tomorrow.
i know that no one reads this, but that's cool, it's a really good way to vent.

you should try it, you invisible people.

peace,
heidi