this is my first entry so not entirley sure whats gonna end up on here..i'll start from the top....

i first fell in love with matthew 2 years ago and we went out for 10 months...and he didnt pay much attention to me and ended up finishing me for someone because she was prettier.i started seeing someone else and he wanted me back.it took him 6months to persuade me but we then went out for 6months.and it was amazing.we took our relationship to a higher level, i lost my virginity to him and he lost his to me.we were so in love.

then i did the stupidest thing ever...

we sometimes had arguments and matthew had depression so i always felt inadiquate...so i ended it...he was heartbroken...he sunk into more depression.i still loved him but couldnt bring myself to admit id made a mistake...

this other guy who was really into me but a bit of a dangerous type.he smoked and was on drugs so i thought i could change him.and i did..while i was with him..matthew tried to get me back but i thought i could save sam...but i missed matt too much.so i went back to him and everything was great.until johnni came alone.who was infactuated with matthew.matthew was still hurt by what i did to him and so liked the attention johnni gave him.but one day matthew was over at johnnis and johnni sucked matt off....

matt rang me the next day saying that johnni had tried to kiss him.i was gutted but still supportive.then weeks later he rang to say he hadnt been completely honest with me and that johnni had sucked him off.and matt hated it.he was scared.again i was heartbroken but said we'd pull through...

next thing i know is that rumours are going round.scarily accurate rumours.but i hadnt started them..i dont know who did...but matt thinks it was me.and so does not trust me.he put us on a break about 2 months ago.and since then has always been around johnni.i knew something was going on but prayed nothing was....that it was me over reacting...

matt confirmed my worst fears this morning that him and johnni are seeing eachother and have been since he put us on a "break".but he blames it on me ending it.im not the only person in this relationship whose done bad things.yes i made mistakes but i tried so hard to make up for it afterwards.and its just been thrown back in my face.he tells me that one day he will forgive me and we will be back together but it wont be anytime soon.i dont know how genuine he is.he also says he is not gay or bisexual.its just something about johnni.i dont understand that..hes saying johnnis just a phase but hes not going to tell johnni that.

i love matt so much and im heartbroken.i dont know what to do.i promised matt i wouldnt tell anyone.this is my only outlet....

this is only the foundations of the story.theres so many more complicated things but i dont have time to write it all down.so this is just the bare skeleton really.

im in such a mess.......

i need help..reassurence..anything

i love this person..