Before I write about any one topic, I just want to say thank you to the people that have talked to me through this site already. Very genuine people and helpful. To say the least I am suprised and didn't expect a reaction at all. So thanks, I'll enjoy getting to know more of you soon I hope.
Where to start. I have a bit of a moral dilemma that seems to be taking over every minute of my day thought-wise. See I moved to a big city recently, and my initial plan was to slowly settle in here and make my way into the business I'd like to prosper in. Everything was working out ok, living with my best friend. But unfortunately things almost never work out as you plan them, do they?
Now the situation has changed drastically. My best friend has gotten back together with his old girlfriend, fallen head over heels for her, and they want to move into a place together, and invited me to come. Well not so much invited as gave me one very sudden option. Move in with them, have my own space and all that, or find something else. For me, that something else is moving back home. I hate living there, so thats not much of a choice at all.
Now, looking at that situation I would usually say "where is the dilemma?". It seems like I should continue on my path, move in with them to a bigger place, and that's that. The problem is - I have about 3 more weeks to find a good paying job and start a bigger income. Up until now I've been doing industry jobs, or freelancing. Ok, well that makes things a bit stressful, but still not enough to cause me to think twice. I will still try of course, and I am diligently.
But there's something else. It's were the moral part comes in. I try and be really honest with myself in everything I do, because I believe thats the only way you can attain happiness. Living with a couple, I think about it. And as the days go by living here with them now, and thinking of living in another place with them in the future...I don't know if I can handle it. In all honesty, It is very painful to have to live in the same quarters as two people deeply in love with eachother. Two people who bicker like they are married, who constantly remind me every day to my face (unknowingly) of what I used to have. And the worst part is i truly enjoy being with both of them one on one, but when they are together I can't stand it. I don't beleive it's a good environment for someone in my state to be in. And so I sit on this thought day in and out.
Do I stick it out and just hope that if I can make it out here, I will adapt to living with them and hopefully my new space will make things a little less intense? Or do I move back home and restart my life, alone still yes but not filled up with stress and loneliness all the time. It's like a pendulum in my skull that wont ever lose momentum between these two choices. I want to be tough and put myself through this struggle, yet I don't want to do anything stupid.
It's funny when I started writing this I meant to talk about the industry I work in and want to be a part of, and how fake most of the people seem inside of it. Looks like that didn't work out so well! Next time.
lostboy posted on Jul 02, 2008
| views: 141
Comments
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botoni said on Jul 02, 2008....
That's quite a choice your facing. Unquestioninably, sharing a space with a couple in love has its great disadvantages. In moving are they selecting the next place differently depending on whether you do or do not go with them? If you can tough it out for a short while you might be better off. Moving home might seem like failure to you. Is there a way to distance yourself when they are both present yet enjoy their individual attention? I've a sneaking hunch that you might be on the verge of discovering a new dimension to you. Are you being honest enough with yourself to be sure you aren't running from one unhappiness to a different unhappiness? In any case, I wish you luck and good choices. -
lostboy said on Jul 03, 2008....
Yes it's definitely a new thing for me altogether. They will be moving into the same place whether I am coming or not, although I'd rather not cause them any trouble in finding a different roomate, I'm just trying to look out for the best interest in my future. You are probably right that it will be different and easier once i make the move, and I believe it may be.
I wouldn't exactly say that I am running from any unhappiness as I have already dived head first into a situation I knew wouldn't bring much satisfaction to me. I think I'm just trying to weigh out which one will bring upon the least amount of discontent at the moment. I think I am just going to roll with my original plan though and see where it takes me.
Thank you for your feedback, I'm glad you brought up the issue of trying to run from one thing to another, I think it is true I do that sometimes.
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soaringraven said on Jul 03, 2008....
I'm going to try not to read between the lines and simply respond to what has been presented. Of course we both know that there is more to a statement than the actual words spoken or written.
If I have read you right, you and your friend began to share an apartment while you were both experiencing relationship difficulties. As a result you were partners in commiseration. With the renewal of his relationship with his girlfriend the dynamics of your relationship with your friend changed as he no longer literally suffered along with you. That factor may be at the root of your difficulty regardless how much you may like his girlfriend. At least to some degree.
If the arrangement is at least partially a matter of financial convenience for all parties it may well be worth making the effort to overcome the discomfort you may feel, especially given the alternative. I can certainly identify with the desire not to return home having not achieved any of my goals yet. In time you will and taking advantage of the situation as it has been presented will at least give you that time.
While I have never lived in a situation quite like yours, I can identify with the third wheel dynamic there as I was often asked along on my friends' dates when I had nothing going in that department for myself. I would often go along for something to do, but as the evening began to move toward romance for them I felt quite out of place. I think that is the main reason that when a person marries their single friends slowly drift away.
Whatever you choose, understand that your decision can be as temporary as it needs to be. There is no real shame in going back home empty handed, it is just a hard thing to do. Try not to overthink this one, ok? Take the choice that best fits your needs and go with it.
soaring
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lostboy said on Jul 05, 2008....
You are incredibly good at reading between the lines raven, you described rather closely my situation.A lot of my problem does come from the changes in my relationship with my roommate. We were both single yes, and I do have some resentment towards him and his renewed relationship. It's not something I enjoy feeling, but it is there. I think I am learning to cope with it better as time goes by.It is very difficult to have to live with knowing you are the third wheel, or the one without that companionship. But I agree with you that things will only be as temporary and/or out of control as i let them.You have great advice, thank you again. I find solace in talking to someone who has seen or been through my situation in the past, and see that they got through it and moved on. It's gives me hope I guess you could say! -
wishyouwerehere said on Jul 05, 2008....
Hi Lost -Maybe there are more than two options. So often, we get stuck with the stress of making a choice that we lose our ability to find an alternative, creative solution. Could you take a chance in finding another roomate? It's risky, but could work out. Craig's list or something like that ...I can only imagine how tough it is for you to be in that situation. I stayed with friends after my divorce, and seeing them together day in day out going through the daily motions of their relationship only kept reminding me of what I had just lost. Sometimes, you have to let things scab over in order to heal.Best of luck to you - Wishy
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