Living in a big new city is hard. It's really hard. It's funny how the more people that are surrounding you the more isolated you can feel. As if the daily occurance of seeing several faces makes it harder to make any real connections. A hundred casual run ins but no real meaningful interactions. It's also hard to break into circles when your new, when you don't know anyone. I feel it starting to take it's toll on me. Do large metropolitan cities cause loneliness more than smaller towns? I'm starting believe thats true.
I had an audition for something today. It's not important what it was. But i landed the job, and I'm really proud of myself for it. But after I got the call and the good news, I realized I had no one to tell. Not really a great feeling. It brings me back to remembering the reason I loved having someone near to me to share things in my life with. It makes them seem a lot less important when you don't have that. in short, it fucking sucks.
I want to just go out somewere, and try and meet someone. But when I picture myself going somewere new on my own, sitting down alone, and trying to find someone to talk to...it just seems ridiculous to me. Or maybe pathetic. I just don't want to be that guy. But that is how everyone started off theoretically. It's just hard to put yourself out there sometimes I guess.
I suppose between reading this and my first post it would make me out to just be some pathetic guy who makes up excuses to talk to people. Maybe thats true. But It's also hard to explain what it's like when you can never find words to keep people interested in you, or how a 5 year relationship with someone who ended up abondoning me tore me apart, and my social life apart. Or maybe how my lack of confidence in my own life at the moment destroys my enthusiasm for trying to put myself out there. Or maybe I'm just a pussy.
It's as if everything I've done with my life in the past year has been against my own will and I am just dealing with it. Like I'm living someone else's life and wishing I could go back to my own.I really haven't the slightest clue what I'm doing with myself anymore. I've got some serious issues. I don't know if this blog thing is really going to help at all.
lostboy posted on Jun 28, 2008
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Comments
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soaringraven said on Jun 29, 2008....
Meeting new people has always been very difficult for me too. I am much older than you I suspect, but it remains difficult for me to put myself in a position where I can meet and make new friends.
I have no answers to your questions, of course you didn't really ask questions but you have them nontheless. I can feel your lonliness, I was once there. First, like me you are too damn introspective and that will keep you from making positive moves. You are forever overthinking every oportunity, meanwhile they slip by before you can act.
No you are not pathetic, trust me on that one. If you keep plugging along someone will come into your life. You just need to be willing to accept that person when the time comes.
soaring
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frontanack said on Jul 01, 2008....
hey lostboy: glad to see you have not left us yet... or so I hope. I spent 6 weeks living in a station wagon, (Pontiac, custom safari).. on Park Avenue and 72nd street: just out side the "women's gate" in NYC. That was in April/May of 1986. I was nursing my newborn.. and there were 6 other small children with 'us' = the 'ex' and me... and yeah: there was one man who told us that, most people in New York, never go more than about 6 blocks: so that the city is like a conglomeration of small towns; and it is hard to fit into any new clique. So, I hope you hang on,.. can find a bench to just watch people from.. or whatever... and just let yourself breathe. be looking for you soon. -
frontanack said on Jul 01, 2008....
btw: I ended up leaving a marriage of almost 20 years... 12 children, and raised the 8 youngest by myself, in the bush= wilderness: carrying buckets and chopping firewood: awake at 2:00a.m. and 4:00a.m. to stoke the fire to keep us alive: all to say that not all 'pussy's' are pussies.. if you catch me drift. You are exhibiting a strength to be reaching out, and speaking, and doing this very thing. Pat yourself on the back: good boy. see you soon. Reaching back. -
botoni said on Jul 02, 2008....
You couldnt find better friend/advisors than frontanack and soaring. You are writing from your heart. That simple action draws people to you. It takes time to heal from the losses you've been through. It takes effort and trust to allow yourself to be open to new friends. You're making a start with your blogging here. Yes, I did read that you've blogged elsewhere but the fact remains that you are still reaching. Now my question for you is this. Will you allow some of us to befriend you? I for one would consider it a priviledge. -
RollingC said on Jul 04, 2008....
The new person in any city,town or even a crowd of people usually go through a period of adaptation that's called loneliness. Takes time but you'll meet people and begin to feel at home again.Rc -
RollingC said on Jul 04, 2008....
You got friends here at Soulcast:^)Rc -
lostboy said on Jul 05, 2008....
Thanks Rc! -
destinydiva said on Jul 09, 2008....
this blog thing...really will help!!! trust me...
there will still be shitty days.... and people here will make you smile again
there will be days you audition... and you come home and tell everyone here about it!! and many will come say congratulations!! and really mean it!!! really be happy for you.
there really is a community here lostboy, that helps at times in your life like this... and that is still around when your life gets on track..
I know, because if it wasn't for this place, I dont know how I would have gotton through the last year of my life.
give us a chance.. keep blogging!!! :-) xx
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