hi guys! i know most of you were expecting a writing exercise today but i haven't been able to come up with one. maybe i'll post something early next week.
but today, something else is on my mind.
one of my earliest blog entries was (unsurprisingly) an entry in the on the nature of series. within it i laid out how i generally try to handle friendships, things that have worked for me.
i was thinking however about the things that prove seminal moments in a friendship: how they form, how they're tested, and the odd occasions that sometimes will end them.
like just about anyone i suppose, almost all of my friendships have been tested--in some cases severely, in most much less so, and i generally find that, to paraphrase nietzsche, what does not kill a friendship makes it stronger. this same concept, of testing a thing so that it does become stronger, incidentally, lies at the heart of my second-favorite sci-fi show of all time, babylon 5.
(tangent: i horrified a friend of mine once by mentioning to him--an avid tarot fan--that my favorite major arcana is the hanged man, which to me represents obstacles and overcoming them. the wiki article is one i find somewhat illuminating re: the traditional interpretation, if you're interested.)
all of which, in what i'm sure is an unnecessarily convoluted manner, leads me to my question: how do you handle stresses on your friendships?
unlike my norm, i'll go first.
generally: i prefer to try to understand the reason for the stress, whatever it is. is it a temporary or permanent thing? is the reason for it valid, and is the way it's expressed valid? am i hearing what someone is saying clearly? as you can see from all that, for me it's about understanding the context of whatever the stress is, and then trying to work from there.
(tangent: looking back on that paragraph, it occurs to me that approach could work for any kind of relationship, not just friendships, huh? guess i'm just tangent-happy this morning!)
anyway: that's what i try to do--which isn't to say that i always succeed, mind.
how about you?
ed
silverwhisper posted on Jun 27, 2008
| views: 314
Comments
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MissMimi said on Jun 27, 2008....
At first I was going to say I couldn't think of a time when one of my friendships had been tested. But then I remembered -- actually can't believe it slipped my mind. The friendship that comes to mind ultimately didn't survive the test. Not surprising since it was built on lies.
I think it also depends on how close a friendship it is. I have a very close friend who means the world to me, and I know I would put in whatever it took to keep that friendship strong. Others, not so much.
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beyondtheveil said on Jun 27, 2008....
Ed- If a friendship becomes stressed, I look at it like you mentioned. Most of the time I know why, but there are times I don't. In those cases, I usually go to others to find the reason. Depending on which friend it is and the reason, I'll go to them and talk about it. At other times, I'll let some time pass because I've found that most of the time in stressed friendships it isn't the two of us that caused it, but rather outside forces and problems. -
evil_twin said on Jun 27, 2008....
If there are stresses in a friendship, I try to figure out why first. And then the only thing you can really do is talk it out. If it's something that can be fixed, the only way to do that is to talk and find some sort of solution.
-evil_twin LA
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uniquely-ironic said on Jun 27, 2008....
When my friendships are stressed it makes me profoundly unhappy. As mentioned above I try to define where the stress is coming from. I then measure that against my personal beliefs and values to see if this is a stress that I can tolerate or fix. In my mind the defining factor is if, for whatever reasons, a friend and I no longer share a core belief or value I can no longer invest myself in that relationship. I will likely continue to be an acquaintance. -
botoni said on Jun 27, 2008....
Friendships happen in many different forms. They can have a life that moves through a variety of stages from mild to intense. There are friendships in my life that have survived major upsets. It is my experience that my closest friends treasure our connection enough that we will go to extremes to keep them. At times it has meant we have agreed to respect what seems to be an insurmountable difference and just make that an area that we omit from our friendship. -
queenparanoia said on Jun 27, 2008....
my friendship has been tested so many times... even here in soulcast.... i guess what makes it stronger is when you open your mind and try to understand each other... -
the_infernal_optimist said on Jun 27, 2008....
I try to understand the factors that have led a friendship to the point of strain. That said, I have a bad habit of tending to withdraw if a friendship gets stressed, and hoping that whatever it is will blow over somehow. But, and I think at least one of my friends here at SC can agree on this, I'm trying hard to not mind being the first to say, "This feels bad...can we talk about it?"
Open communication is really the only way anything ever gets solved. And it's not my strong suit.
~Infernal
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MissMimi said on Jun 27, 2008....
Oh boy, infernal, do I relate to that. I have a very hard time saying exactly that, that this, whatever the stress is, makes me feel bad. I am a pro at swallowing anger and hurt. -
gingersoul said on Jun 27, 2008....
Ed.....show me a friendship that has not been tested and i will tell you...that is not a real friendship .....Because when you really open up yourself to somebody and build something really profound and important any incomprehension, any doubt, any tension, any misunderstanding will create stress and therefore will test the fabric of the bond....If not....you don't care that much...Its like in love..the stronger the bond the bigger the fear of losing it and consequentially the harder will be the fight to keep that love alive and healthy..So my friendships have always been tested: by careless words, by the lack of time, by differences in approaching issues in life, by bad moods, by distance (especially by distance) but also by political differences, or religious ones.Anytime we would solve any new issue the bond was stronger.Ultimately i can say i lost along the way friends that were not real friends.Because i myself didn't fight for them enough.I used to have a passive-aggressive behavior with my friends...then i learned that there are not better tools that communication and compassion. A lot of it. Understading why my friend is doing what she/he is doing...Then its up to me...considering that behavior as acceptable or not.Friendship is such a precious thing......rarest than gold...Its worth the effort........ -
Lucytorial said on Jun 27, 2008....
It could be a long comment but with friendships I believe that you should never close a door. Also it comes to mind that there is no use in trading a short term problem for a long term problem, in otherwords sort it out now before misunderstanding takes over and ruins what is and should be a strong foundation. -
CreativeWoman said on Jun 27, 2008....
I find myself withdrawing a bit as well. I will think the issue to death. Then I confront it. If I lose my trust in someone, I will be friendly but I won't let them close to me anymore. I withhold myself to keep from being hurt.
That being said, with my best friend and I there are times when things get really quiet. It doesn't mean that our friendship is stressed. I have learned over the years that is when I need to seek her out. It means she's dealing with something major.
CW
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fearing said on Jun 27, 2008....
Ed, I've had a few friendships slip away for one reason or another. Most because of life in general going in different directions and we just lose touch. Once in a while it is due to a conflict. Twice that I can think of. Both I tried to work out. Both failed for different reasons. Both beyond repair. Both friends I miss. -
silverwhisper said on Jun 28, 2008....
mimi: heh...i was surprised too as i started reading your comment! :> and yes, you're absolutely right, it depends on how close that friendship is.
beyond: always a pleasure to see you, sir. :> it's always frustrating when you don't know the reason, isn't it? as a friend you want to help, b/c IMX, it's some outside issue and you just don't know yet what it is. :>
kyle: exactly--talking through whatever that stress is really is the only way to make things right again--or, failing that, not bad.
u-i: that's an excellent, well thought-out response--sounds to me like something you've experienced more than others.
botoni: i've a good friend who's a social archconservative. if we don't talk about sociopolitical matters, we're just fine. as you can imagine, that makes for a much smaller list of possible conversational topics that we'd find fun. :>
sis: that's very, very wise of you. :>
infernal: it does take a certain amount of courage to be able to take the initative like that, doesn't it? OTOH, you've never struck me as someone who was terribly scared of going out on a limb like that though, i'll confess.
GS: nice to see you again, and that was beautifully said. and yes, it's definitely rarer than gold. it was such a long comment i feel bad about not saying much, but there's not much to say: i agree completely. :>
tobi-lee: i think that in most cases, you shouldn't close the door. OTOH, i've seen cases (one particularly memorable one from around 3-4 years ago comes to mind), there are definitely times i think locking & barring the door is the right response.
CW: ah yes, the ominous silence that sometimes can happen in friendships...it's a dangerous thing, i've always found. it's so easy to think "o, he/she is just busy" but after a while...
fearing: i find that when friendships end, IMX it's b/c the person i thought i knew did not actually exist. i'm afraid i don't know what else to say. well, except this...
[hug]
ed -
gingersoul said on Jun 28, 2008....
Ed....thank you...
And don't feel bad in commenting so shortly to me...its ok.....we use our time when we have time.....
Have a great week end...:-)
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carmachu said on Jun 28, 2008....
same way you handle the stress of marriage. You have your ups and downs....you just ride the tides of it. Hang in there for teh rough times, and laugh during the good ones.
Granted....I have very few ones nowadays, but the ones I have are like family.
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Lucytorial said on Jun 28, 2008....
ED ~ Yeh, you could say there are times, usually I just let life happen and that sorts out real friendships. My main hurdle these days is being far to judgemental on people I meet, in the sense that if I feel instantly that we grate.. I don't bother, at all. -
woman said on Jun 28, 2008....
I feel so blessed to be able to say that there has been little stress with friends. So many lovely memories surround me and I hope for the chance to have them in my life for years to come. -
silverwhisper said on Jun 29, 2008....
GS: so true. :>
carm: you know, for most of my life, i too had only a small number of very, very close friends who might as well have been family for me. i find that's changed in the past decade or so. i don't know what to make of that.
tobi-lee: you're too judgmental? you know, that surprises me a bit--you've always struck me as being unusually accepting, to be honest.
woman: that's a most remarkable thing to be able to say, and i salute your good fortune to date!
ed -
Lucytorial said on Jun 29, 2008....
When my backs up against a wall with the hairs on my arms standing on edge.... I'm judgemental. :-) -
carmachu said on Jun 29, 2008....
I have more thana few casual friends, so to speak, ones that I'm friendly with but only speak or see for specific things...gaming or wargaming or online. And thats ok. But most of them I generally dont have the ups and downs with, since we only see for sepcific items...
Most of my close friends, their the type that you can say "fuck you" to when things are bad, and it doesnt get taken badly. I expect them to smack me upside the head when I'm whiny or being and idiot, and gladly do it to them when they are.
So now are you saying you have alot of close friends?
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silverwhisper said on Jun 30, 2008....
tobi-lee: you know, i don't think i've ever witnessed that--but then again, seeing as what it takes to put you in that situation, i'm glad i haven't!
carm: i've lost touch w/ some of those very close friends, but i've made some others. i'm reminded of a t-shirt or bumpersticker: friends help you move, good friends help you move bodies. the big change for me is having more casual friends than i've had before.
ed
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