• SeanRenaud said on Jun 26, 2008....

  I'll start at the end.
   
  I personally think it's too soon, but I wouldn't move in with somebody if I couldn't make it on my own (how you work two jobs and can't find a decent to good apartment is beyond me) cus then he kinda has the power when all is said and done.
   
  If your mother didn't already hate you for the last relationship she's not going to hate you now.
   
  I don't see anything wron giwht living with a partner before marriage, infact I think everybody should do it so they get to know each other, truly.
   
  I'm pretty much against marriage though so I reject your logic entirely.  He wasn't getting the milk for free, infact the two of you were arguably loosing money since you couldn't join file on your taxes. 
   
  I see your point about not working through issues and instead leaving because you have no obligations.  Though I think if you truly love somebody that is an obligation in and off itself.  I think Marriage (my own parents making a good example) when you should just leave so that both of you can be happier instead your stuck because your legally intwined and it simply too much work to leave.

• uniquely-ironic said on Jun 26, 2008....

  It really does depend on the people involved. 
   
  It's my personal opinion that a woman should not live with a man before being married if she cannot carry at least 1/2 of the essential bills.  By being dependant on someone, no matter how willing, you will be in an unequal situation that you may not be able to extract yourself from in the future.
   
  You have known him for awhile, but if there's no rush to get married, why is there a rush to live together?
   
  Last, I think you need to totally disregard what your mom or dad think about the situation.  They wouldn't be living with him, you are.  It's okay to get their opinion, but the decision has to be yours and you have to live with it.

• SeanRenaud said on Jun 26, 2008....

  What U-I said, I'd actually go a step farther and say a person shouldn't move in if they can't handle 75+% of the essentials.  50% is no good cus you'r trapped if your S/O tries to pull something, unless you've got a set up with the landlord where you get 50% off if your boyfriend dumps you.

• LUCKY13 said on Jun 26, 2008....

  Get to know the person well first.

• Lucytorial said on Jun 26, 2008....

  I agree with SR ~ Make sure you can take care of yourself first, alone.
   
  However I lived with my husband for 6 yrs before we got married, its all personal choice, what you believe in.
   
  Maybe start with asking your self your morals and ethics, thats a good start to base your own life on first before you start sharing it with someone else, when you have that foundation down then sure go out and decide whats best for you, until then DO NOT live by default because you see an easy way out.

• cuppajava said on Jun 26, 2008....

  Hi.I agree with Lucy.You need to know that you can be self sufficient first before you take the next step.Personally i lived with ym late wife for 2 years before we got married.The difference was,I guess,was that we knew that we were going to get married,and we did it because we loved each other dearly - and not to escape from any other personal situation that made us feel un comfortable.
  That being said - you have to decide within yourself if that is what you really want to do,irrespective of your strength of feelings for him.Do you want to move in with him,bc you love him,or do you want to move in with him,cos you cant stand living with your parents.
  I understand you are feeling hesitant,probably because of your past experience.But make sure you have thought i properly through first.
  Take Care

• SeanRenaud said on Jun 26, 2008....

  Yeah I hadn't even factored in the, I want to move out to escape my parents. 

• starchini said on Jun 27, 2008....

  Well Sean, its slightly confusing.  I understand that a person always needs to take care of themselves for obvious reasons...if something happens u dont want to be stuck.  Right now it doesnt matter how much money i am making, all excess goes toward paying my loan off.  I make pretty good money for midwest living...Its hard to compare money with people that live in the city, its much cheaper to live here.  In california 40G a year is almost poverty...In nebraska, thats upper middle class.  I make about $1,500 dollars a month.  Thats pretty damned good compared to most in my "catagory"...

  I guess my point is that if it came down to it i could easily support myself, but that would mean me staying in debt for a longer period of time.  That i dont want to do.  I would rather not pay household bills and get my loan paid off, but if hell broke lose i wouldnt be stuck. 

  Another factor is that Phil himself practically lives for free.  He is sort of a jack of all trades and Phil is living in a 5 bedroom house on top of 200 acres for free.  All he has to do is remodel and fix it up.  The "landlord" is paying for all of his materials.  So Phil doesnt have many bills, as far as household bills, electricity is that biggest one....He practically gets paid to live there. 

  So im not worried about being stuck, or ruining the dynamic of the relationship because he wouldnt be taking on too much and i wouldnt be a burden and i am capable of living on my own, but i dont want to...I need all my money to pay off my loan. 

   

  Unique, that is what i told him.  There is no rush, but for some reason he really really wants me to live with him.  The finances are not much of an issue.  We both do pretty well, ive just dedicated most of my money to pay off my loans.  He doesnt hardly have any bills and keeps most of his money.  He wouldnt provide anything for me but shelter...The water is from the well and i might make the electric bill go up slightly...Me living there wouldnt have an impact at all on his bills.  Thats why he suggested we just keep our same bills we pay now. 

  Ya see unique i practically live with him anyways...I have my own closet that i keep spare clothes in.  I stay there almost everysingle night, i haul my duffel bag of clothes and flat irons and makeup and crap around everyday.  The reason he wants me to live there is bc he thinks it would be less of a pain in the ass.  I still help out at my parents house bc i "live" there and i help out at Phil house becuse i "live" there too...Phil wants me to dedicate myself to one home instead of two...Its physically exhausting to "live" in two households and be responsible for both...My coworker thinks i already live there bc i sleep there...but technically i live with my parents. 

  To be honest i dont know where i live...

  And this is why Phil wants me to live with him....

  Ive confused my self so badly..

  Where do i live?

  Lucy, my morals and ethics are pretty concrete, I dont see phil as being an easy way out...Both current living options are "easy" for me.  I just dislike living with my parents bc they are so controlling.

  Cuppa, that is what i told phil, i said "i dont want to live with u until i know it is gonna be permanent, i dont want to do it temporarily...thats dumb, so if im sure itll be permanent we may as well be engaged and im not ready for that now, so im not ready to move in now..."

• travelr712 said on Jun 27, 2008....

  being married doesn't make one or the other person any less likely to leave, it just makes it more difficult and expensive to sever the relationship. i would not get married again before living with a prospective mate in order to see if we can actually live together. i have allot of experience in this matter, so it's not just a supposed opinion.
   
  as for you, well, you found out that david was abusive. aren't you glad that you could end that relationship without a court order and months of legal proceedings?
   
  as much as people want marriage to be something else, it is only actually a legal process of predetermining certain rights and obligations in a relationship. this is what it has always been. throughout the millenea, until the last couple centuries, it was a 'marriage contract', with the two parties often never meeting before this contract is signed by the parents or guardians of the people involved. but because of the religious positions from the victorian age, the traditions of ownership (and yes, this usually made the woman the property of the man), and the romantic notions of poets and novelists, it has become in our society something seen as 'the ultimate commitment'.
   
  so, do you want your relationship to be based on the fact that you stay together because a legal divorce is such a deterant?
   
  a legal document and traditional procession will not determine whether a relationship succeeds or fails, it really has no other bearing on the relationship than the people involved place on it. unfortunately, our society has a perception that a couple who is married is in a 'good' relationship and a couple who is not is in an 'unacceptable' one. witness the fact that there is no term for a couple who is living together in the same household, sharing finances, chores, parenting and a bed, other than living together, which describes two people who have separate bedrooms and live together for simply the sake of convenience. but even in that case, they are called 'roommates'. when there is an acceptable term for two people who want to live in a committed, romantic relationship together but do not want to have the government dictate the nature of that relationship, then a situation of just 'living together' will be acceptable.
   
  as to all your questions, the only way you can find the answers is to move in with phil.

• SeanRenaud said on Jun 27, 2008....

  Uh, damn.  I've never seen marriage bad put so eloquently.  I bow to your ability to be more subtle than my bashing you over the head with a club method.

• starchini said on Jun 27, 2008....

  I completly agree that technically marriage is a piece of paper and all the other "eloquently" put facts.  But i do not think that people only stay together when faced with trouble bc its a pain in the ass to divorce...I think its a completly different mentality...

  When u are simply dating someone u look for faults and unattractive qualities and file them away in "reasons to not marry" that person...And u keep a separate mental file of "reasons to marry" them...

  If the bad outweighs the good, u run...But if u are married bc u love who they are as a person and dont find out that they hock loogies in the morning or pee on the toilet seat or leave there shoes infront of the door until u are married u are more likely to think "eh, i love them and he/she is my husband/wife, and i can accept these faults and love them anyway"...But if u see all these things before marriage, they arnt just cute quirks u accept they are ammo to leave...does that make sense?

  I do believe in the fairy tale and i do think that marriage is a hell of a lot more than legally binding...its a devotion unlike anyother a special commitment to a person that no one else can have, its a bond that does in fact signify the ultimate devotion...and if u want a divorce bc they dont put the toilet seat up, u have no business even being in a relationship....

• SeanRenaud said on Jun 27, 2008....

  It all sounds sorta silly to me.  It was the same thing that pissed me off being the Marines when they were talking about who gets to come back first and married guys got to leave first.  I was so pissed and I didn't even want to leave that bad.  I was (and am) annoyed that my girlfriend of seven years is seen as less devoted, than some guy who's 27 and on his third marriage and if you added them all together. . .he'd still be a year shy of me and my woman.
   
   

• Lucytorial said on Jun 27, 2008....

  Starchini, it seems you already understand the dynamic of your decisions, I guess the two main questions as I see them are;

  What is the motivating factor that Phill wants you to move in for? Its not that he thinks its easier, there must be another deeper reason.

  You also cannot have your cake and eat it too, living at home to pay your loan off? or make that into a long term debt by moving out?

  Do you really see yourself and Phill being able to continue a valuable relationship without being married? or even engaged?

   

  I think you already know the answers to this anyway.  :-}

• Wish_Upon_A_Star said on Jun 28, 2008....

  I honestly believe that you do not know a person until have been living with them. There is often the misconception that intimacy equals sex, when in reality is being intimate with someone is being a part of every day life. While dating and living in separate households it's a lot easier to put your best foot forward. Where as when you are living with someone and you get the flu the other person is there to see you in all your germy glory, Marriage is mostly just a piece of paper in the legal sense and in another it is seen as the ultimate commitment that you are going to be with that person. Most vows say till death do you part, or us part or whatever. Divorce is easy, staying married is hard.
  Getting to know if you can handle living with the quirks, absurdities, and  neuroses of another before deciding you are going to marry someone in my mind at least gives the marriage a stronger chance of surviving.
  but that's just my two cents.
  
  ... ps i've lived with my boyfriend for a little over a year now, and marriage is something we talk about but don't find necessary. Since we want to be more financially stable and and emotionally stable before we take the plunge we enjoy living together where by all intents and purposes we live as man and wife. And neither of us takes the thought of walking away lightly just because there isn't a certificate attached to our relationship-heartbreak feels the same either way.
  

• anonymous said on Jun 28, 2008....

  damn. are you a slut?

   

   

   

  cockSUCKER slut

• anonymous said on Jun 28, 2008....

  damn. are you a slut?

   

   

   

  cockSUCKER slut

• anonymous said on Jun 28, 2008....

  damn. are you a slut?

   

   

   

  cockSUCKER slut

• anonymous said on Jun 28, 2008....

  damn. are you a slut?

   

   

   

  cockSUCKER slut

• anonymous said on Jun 28, 2008....

  damn. are you a slut?

   

   

   

  cockSUCKER slut

• travelr712 said on Jun 28, 2008....

  i don't want to take that romantic dream away from you star. what i'm talking about is a paradeigm shift for most people in most countries in the world, because the tradition of marriage being the 'right thing to do' has been so engraned into all cultures. but what does a ceremony and piece of paper from the gov't have to do with the things you're talking about? the romance, the commitment, those are emotions. you can have those emotions regardless of the legal state that exists between the two of you. you just don't know how to think of it that way yet.
   
  personally, i think a couple should be required to live together for at least a year before they can have children or have that legally binding agreement. the reason i say a year is because a person's overall demeanor changes somewhat with the different seasons, i.e. many people get more depressed during the winter months, things like that. so if you live with someone for a year, you've got a really good insight into what it is to live with their 'biorhythms'. that's when you really find out if you're compatible or not.
   
  compatibility is not in the ability to have deep meaningful conversations or really good sex. you can have deep meaningful conversations with hundreds of people, and really good sex with at least that many if you were to actually try.
   
  compatibility comes with the question of what you can put up with from the other person. what drives you crazy or makes you feel trapped. you won't find these things out until you've lived with them for at least a year.
   
  plus, i agree with sean. he and his gf have been in the same type of relationship that any married couple are in, and have been for longer than other men in his unit, but because of the legal piece of paper, those other men are afforded an advantage that he is not. and all because of the importance our society has placed on one little word, 'marriage'. i think it is injust, and a way of the government and society punishing people who do not want to live by certain traditions.
   
  just my opinion :-)

• seanGAYrenaud said on Jun 29, 2008....

  I thought I would go straight for you! MERRY ME! We can do boys together

• starchini said on Jun 30, 2008....

  Sean, so why dont u just marry her?  I mean...The way i see it...if ur willing to be bound legally by her, forever, why not?  To me being married says "I have so much faith in our relationship and am so positive we are gonna be together forever that i want to declare it to the world and make it legally binding by marrying you"...I think marriage is just another way of saying i love you...The fact that ur willing to tie the person to ur life "forever" truly says something about ur commitment...People dont get married with intentions of divorce...Thats why it is so meaningful...If u want to be treated like a married couple, get married...i mean, why not?  Cheaper taxes atleast. 

• anonymous said on Jun 30, 2008....

  Medena,GEM111..Who are these two?

• anonymous said on Jun 30, 2008....

  i thought you would end up marrying me.i gave you a ring. call me later.

• starchini said on Jun 30, 2008....

  Oh Lucy,  well...I can have my cake and eat it too...moving in with Phil shouldnt have any effect on my finances, essential the situation would be the same.  The real reason why he wants me to move in so badly.....Im not all that sure really...See, i already stay the night every night with him...I stop at my "home" to get an overnight bag everynight...I live out of a suitcase and i supose he just thinks it would make more sense for me to live there bc i practically am anyways....

  And through this discussion u all have helped me realize my position...I still think its best to be married, in general...people should get married i think.  Call me old fashioned...However i do not think it matters wether people live together or not before marriage.  Some people think its smartest and other people think its not.  But my bigger question is, can i wait until marriage to live with phil?  no...i cannot.  I want to be around him all the time and i want to share everything with him, i want to know everything about him, i want him to know everything about me and i dont want to do it with a suitcase.  I dont think im capable of NOT living with him until marriage.  Im not patient enough...So that is my answer...I am gonna move in with phil...Maybe not now or even the next fewl months but one of these days, yes i am gonna live with him without being married...

  Wish...im not sure what to say to that...I believe its entirly possible to get to know someone without living with them...Just by spending quality time together u can know someone.  Just by them wanting u to know them u know them bc they share it all with you.  If u spend every evening until sleepy time with them everynight but arnt technically living with them there isnt much that is not seen...I stay the night every evening with phil but do not technically live with him...its just 7 days a week sleep overs....so in a getting to know eachother sense, we do live together...I dont feel like im missing out on anything that he does...I dont know, moving in is a good idea i agree but it just depends on the persons view  of marriage...I agree married or not, heartbreak is heartbreak

• starchini said on Jun 30, 2008....

  Trav i know u can have those emotions without being married...Ive felt those emtions with no piece of paper my self...I just think getting married is the icing on the cake so to speak.  It goes from seeing eachother to dating to serious relationship to death do us part.  I just think its important and not because its been beat into me by society.  I consider marriage to be like anyother gift of love that ur significant other might give you.  A necklace to signify ur love and commitment, a pair of earrings or a piece of legal paper commiting u together forever...Its the same sort of thing to me...So my outlook towards marriage is different from urs, i think its a gift, u think its a pending divorce...  : P 

• SeanRenaud said on Jun 30, 2008....

  I think both your experience your ex and my experience with mind stand as great reasons why marriage is bad.  Can you imagine if you'd had to keep seeing David to sort out the legal bullshit of it?  Mine found somebody "better" (who oddly makes her less happy and isolates her from her friends) and guess what she didn't get to take half my company with her. 

• starchini said on Jun 30, 2008....

  Yes sean, weve both been great examples of why marriage is aweful...but i still believe that if u find the right person, the one u know ur gonna be with forever, marriage is a wonderful gift.  I thank God every day i didnt marry David.  And the fact that ive known Phil 1/5th of the time ive known David and already know that Phil is ten billion times the man David ever was.  It kinda revamps my faith in love and marriage.  I thought all relationships were horrible and i swore off men completly...But Phil has changed my mind.  : >  Im such a hopeless romantic it makes me sick.  : P 

• SeanRenaud said on Jun 30, 2008....

  Good luck.  I'm no less of an idiot romantic, I just happen to be against legally bonding my relationships.  Not to mention I hate ceremonies of all sorts and don't believe in God which just tears the rest of that to shreds.  Most marriages don't work and that's spoiled me on it, seeing the after math hurts too.  Girls who have a creep who still gets to call them and they have to put up with his shit because they can't move on until he's signed some paper work or guys who are broke because their ex gets alimony that he really can't afford.  Then you have marriages that last not through love but through convience.  It's the other end of your why buy the cow if the milk is free (though I would argue that if you're living in his house and he's supporting you he's not getting the milk for free)  that I think a lot of marriages last because who cares if the milk is sour, you already own the cow.

• starchini said on Jul 02, 2008....

  I agree with everything u just said and yet somehow i still would like to get married in my lifetime.  Except for the God part, i do believe in God.  He wouldnt support me so my milk is free.  : P  I think that was actually one of my stronger "selling" points to him.  He was very impressed that i made my own money.  Can u believe almost all of his ex's he had to support himself?  Jeez, some women, ya know? 

   

• SeanRenaud said on Jul 02, 2008....

  Damn.  He must have been really good in bed.

• starchini said on Jul 02, 2008....

  lol no no sean, he IS really good in bed : P  and other crap too : P 

• Wish_Upon_A_Star said on Jul 07, 2008....

  I agree but when you make the step to live with someone where you give up the back up of 'home' and stop living out a suitcase it brings about a ton of different emotions, fears, and hope i guess. I just think i would rather know what they are like for the majority of the time when they 'can't' get rid of me.
  
  but to each his/her own right?
  

• starchini said on Jul 07, 2008....

  I agree wish...in terms of getting to completly know one another i think that moving in is great.  In terms of tradition, romance, marriage, i think one should wait.  Thats why im torn.  Part of me wants to do things the traditional way...and the other part wants me to do things the "right" way : P ....  i know...i dont make any sense.  Phil doesnt get what i mean either hehe...everytime i try and explain hes like "ok, well, u can move in whenever u want...." what he really means is "i have no idea what is rattling around in that head of urs, and u dont either, but u should live with me"  lol...

   

• SeanRenaud said on Jul 07, 2008....

  The sooner you realize that tradition was the old way and people are getting away from that path because, well it's stupid the better off you'll be.

• starchini said on Jul 07, 2008....

  yes, sean, ur right...i realize it, but i fight it...I like tradition...even though it no longer makes sense...

• SeanRenaud said on Jul 07, 2008....

  But why do you like tradition? 

• starchini said on Jul 07, 2008....

  I dont know for sure, my guess is that:  I like to do things "correctly"  i like to know that there wasnt a better way and that im right...However in this day and age, there is no way to know for sure if what u are doing is right or wrong.  U just have to leap.  Im not a good leaper.  I need to know that what im doing is right, i dont like to follow my gut.  Following ur gut leaves room for error.  Tradition however is widely accepted as a correct way to do things.  Maybe technically its not but it is something u can always fall back on when u are in doubt....does that make any sense?  Tradition, comforts me in decision making...

• SeanRenaud said on Jul 07, 2008....

  So the short answer is. 
   
  Baaaaaaa.   Baaaaaa.

• starchini said on Jul 07, 2008....

  lmao, yea, sure...basically : > 

Comment on "How Do You Feel About Living With A Partner Before Marriage?"

Currently tagged	relationships living opinion relationship love stefanoSAYS living choices fuckstar tramp SLUTstuff OPENtheHOLE CUMbelly girlGEORGE choices lovesAjoke debate (Click to add tags below)
Tag this post	(Separate tags using commas, for example: New York, dating, vegetarian)
Your comment
	Comment Anonymously