I've started countless blogs. I've written in tons of notebooks. I never follow through. It doesn't satisfy me. But I believe there is a reason i keep coming back to it. When broken down into a psychological point of view, the reasoning behind writing about yourself and posting it for others to see, using instant messaging programs, webcams, MMO's - It is all for the satisfying of the social craving every human has. I believe we just want to find someone to be a part of, to socialize with, to form a bond with. It doesn't matter if it is online, on the street, at a social gathering. The way you go about it are just tools to fill the basic human need for social interaction. To keep the void of loneliness and social disconnection full, because when that hole becomes empty, your world can turn upside down. We are the true social animals of the earth.
My name is Lostboy. No it is not my real name obviously, and I generally use an online handle which differs from this one. But too many people in my past and online know my usual handle. So I choose lostboy because....that is how i can best describe myself at this time in my life. I want to give this online blog idea one last try, but I don't want to write for others. Truly I want to write for myself, but underlined in that idea I do know that my real reasoning behind doing this is to find a social connection, to anyone really.
My ranting may not make too much sense, it may change frequently, it might not fit together. I believe in the form of writing known as Gonzo writing. It's truly the only way to put someones mental patterns and personality onto paper. So this might be why what I write does not connect smoothly or make sense, as my thoughts seem to not make sense sometimes. even to me.

I feel that I am suffering from loneliness. Social anxiety. Depression. General unenthusiastic tendencies towards my life. I wasn't like this a few years ago, but my current situation now and the events that have occured in my life in the past years up to now have had these negative effects on my pyschological state and my personality.

I feel I may have pushed myself into a very viscious cycle of unhappiness without realizing it. And I think it may have all been caused because of one simple reason - loneliness. I used to have a lover for years, I was involved in a social scene for a long time, I had decent jobs, a lot of friends, and generally content with what i knew as my world. from then till the present now, about 2 and a half years time, I've lost all these things. I now live in a city across the country from were I was living, my lover abandoned me in a cruel manner, I fell out of the social scene i once participated largely in, all of the people i felt close to live thousands of miles from me now. I now stay with a friend on his couch. He and his girlfriend are here everyday. They are very much in love, and unfortunately choose to spend their time in the one place i have to go to. I don't know if you've ever experienced a 3rd wheel situation, but it's extremely uncomftorable. On top of which a constant reminder of what you used to have with someone can start to become unbearable.
They are the only two people I have as friends in this new city. I am dilligently trying to find a new job here. I now have about 3 weeks left to land myself some financial security before I am forced to move back to my hometown. I don't want to do that, because it is the root of were my depression spawned, and it is a constant reminder of my failed independence if i return there.
So I ask myself - how did my life end in this situation? Why can I not seem to get out of it and bring some joy to my life? I know my loneliness is a major causing factor. I know myself very well. I am an introverted person by nature. I observe and think more than anyone really should. but i cant help it. So i think about who I am a lot, and what makes me...me.
I believe my personality has a need to have a relationship. I want to love someone and I want that feeling in return. Having a support, someone to let you know that they give a shit about you, and actually recognize that you exist and what you are doing in your life is of some importance. It's important to me. I don't have that right now. Therefore I feel that I am having an extremely difficult time caring about things I should, or feeling content with myself.
I don't meet people normally as some others might. I can go to bars, clubs, whatever and talk to someone - it's not that difficult to me. What I do have a problem with is my drive to actually try and get close to someone now. With my life in so much turmoil, and not having  any real progressiveness or positivity in my life it can be hard to want to talk to someone new. I feel I have nothing to offer, so I stay hidden. I don't mean to...it just seems to happen, and then i consequently hate myself for doing this afterwards.

So, I am very lonely, I feel very separated from all social circles because my life is in a bad place and i feel very unconfident. I need to get my life to a happier more meaningful state so i can connect to people better and feel confident, but I can't seem to be able to turn things around because of the effects of being alone are having on me. A vicious cycle.

I feel that I am a good person when someone actually takes the time to get to know who I am. My appearance is such a small part of me, yet so many judge me by this alone, everyday. Appearance (style, clothing) is not nearly as important to me as it seems to be to others. It is a superficial and shallow thing to judge someone by just that, yet so many do so. This makes things complicated when trying to meet new people.

I don't really know what to do, and I know I need to do something and quickly. I can't let my mind sit in this state too much longer, it is really taking a toll on me. I mean look at me, I'm reaching out to total strangers on the internet confessing about how incredibly lonely and unhappy I am. That in itself makes me look at myself in a shameful way. To just find a way to not feel so solitary, and to maybe find someone who just wants the same as I do would be a lifesaver to me.

There are several more things that cause me to be the way I am i think, I am just writing what comes to mind at the moment. I didnt mean to get so off topic. I want to express more of my thoughts later on, if i can muster myself up to write here again.

I don't know if anyone will actually read this, I somehow doubt anyone will. But i want you to. I want a plethora of people to read this. I want to know I'm not alone.

I want to enjoy life with someone else. I want to have someone to care about and fight for. I want someone to just want to be with me. Are these things really so difficult to attain or have I really become a dysfunctional person? I guess only time will tell.