Relationship Advice - Conquering Boredom
Has your relationship fallen into a rut? What do you do to revive the relationship before it stagnates and falls apart?You've been together for several years now. Sex has become routine and your relationship is in a rut. Those early days of euphoria that you felt when he/she looked your way are long gone. What do you do to revive the relationship before it stagnates and falls apart?
The Symptoms - Every relationship faces it. Boredom. Everyday is pretty much the same. You and your partner take each other for granted. Sex has become routine. You no longer catch yourself having warm fuzzy feelings about your partner and dreaming up ways to make them happy. Instead your priorities have shifted to work, the kids, money, or what you'll get mom for Christmas. When and where it started, you're not sure. One day you wake up and it occurs to you that your sex life is boring. You may even blame your partner. The cute coworker may have caught your eye and now your wondering why your partner can't give you that kind of attention. Ok, you recognize the symptoms but how do you fix it?
The Cure - The thing that separates your relationship with your partner from every other relationship is sex. It therefore stands to reason that the way to revive your relationship is through sex. Consider it as playtime between you and your partner. Not only should it be satisfying, it should also be fun. Here are the steps that will help bring some fun back into your sex life.
- Make it a priority. First of all you need to make time for intimacy. The three main obstacles to intimacy are time, energy, and privacy. By making sex a priority, it is easier to find opportunities when both of you have the time and energy. Privacy can always be arranged.
- Feel Sexy. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel sexy. Sex is more satisfying for both of you if you are not self-conscious. Work out or dress up. Women are often more self-conscious than men. Ladies your body does not have to be perfect. If your partner loves you and you feel sexy, he will see you as sexy. Lingerie may be a way of making yourself feel attractive.
- Communicate. Let your partner know that you want to break the routine. Never be accusing or negative when telling your partner that you want to change things or you will probably get a negative reaction. You may find out that your partner feels like you do and wants to get out of the rut you've fallen into.
- Do something different Break the routine. Remember, it's all about fun so be creative. You might plan a day where you try to tempt each other to see who will give in first. Perhaps you could read a book and learn a new technique. You might try a romantic atmosphere with candles and music or a roaring fire. You could be adventurous and try role playing. For example, dress up and pretend you are strangers. Another idea is for each of you to write down a fantasy during the week and on Saturday you do his and on Sunday, hers. If you are uncomfortable coming up with ideas on your own, you might try a sex game and let the game lead you. Once your sex life is back on track, you will find that you feel closer to your partner.
Why bother - Never reach the point where you are not touching each other. Touch, whether erotic or not, is crucial to keeping your relationship on track. Again, this is not a relationship that you want to be like others in your life. One or both of you will end up cheating. Cheating often stems from boredom with the relationship. Do not give into this urge as you will be giving up more than you are gaining. If you get caught and break up, you will have all the time in the world to fool around with whoever, whenever you want. In the end you will still feel empty. What you are looking for cannot be found with a stranger. Working on your relationship, nourishing it with your attention and love, will give a much more fulfilling result. We are all looking for that special someone to fill that emptiness inside us. Who will love us through the good and bad, give our life meaning, our rock when we feel weak and our pillow when we fall. Starting over with someone new every few years makes this very difficult to accomplish.
In conclusion, think back to when you met your partner. Think about your time together and the good things you have shared. Is anything else in your life worth more effort than building on that love? It's like a precious flower. Feed it, water it, nurture it and it will grow. Tend to it only when it crosses your mind and it will wither and die. Communicate, appreciate, and have fun. These are the key ingredients to adding zest to a relationship rut.
©2005 Patricia Fason
Patricia Fason is a writer and poet whose main focus is relationships. To read more of her work, visit Sites O Web Romances You (sitesoweb.com). Sites O Web Romances You is a love, romance, and relationship resource focusing on building stronger relationships and also provides links to hundreds of products and romantic gifts to make shopping for your partner easier.
http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/10-24-2005-79675.asp
Ten Characteristics of Successful Relationships
Marriage and Family Therapist draws from extensive experience with couples to identify her top ten characteristics of successful relationships
As a couple’s therapist, I’ve seen a
myriad of relationships styles. People who come in for counseling are
clearly looking to change something they see problematic in their
partnership. The problems range from the relatively benign tweaks in
communication to serious pain and trust violations due to infidelity
and all sorts of issues in between. Filtering through all of this, I’ve
identified ten characteristics of successful relationships. These
qualities are integral parts of a healthy relationship foundation and I
believe increase the chances of weathering the storms that life
inevitably dishes out.
The ten characteristics are as follows and are in no particular order:
1) Friendship: Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their "best friend."
2) Humor: Partners who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflicts when they do arise. It’s the great mood lightener. I’ve noticed the use of funny nicknames can be an indicator of great fondness for one another. The names often stem from a "you had to be there" moment from the beginning of their relationship.
3) Communication: As obvious as this may seem, many couples are not very good at it. Those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deal with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.
4) Chore Sharing: Those who divvy up the household or parenting responsibilities - in a way that is mutually agreed upon way are less likely to hold resentments about what they perceive as "unfair." Each participates (albeit maybe begrudgingly) and both contribute to the relationship in this way.
5) Sexual Intimacy: Couples who have their sexual needs met or at least have negotiated a reasonable compromise if their levels of need aren’t compatible, feel taken care of by the other. Some are highly active, engaging in lovemaking multiple times a week and others are content with far less. There is no "right" or "wrong" amount. However, often times a negotiation is needed to make sure no one feels neglected by the other.
6) Affection: Partners who stay in physical contact in some way throughout the day have appeared to be the happiest ones. These moments don’t need to necessarily lead to sexual intimacy but are rather easy ways to say, "I love you," without the words. These moments can be invaluable, especially these days when everyone seems to be racing around to get "somewhere." Whether it’s a hug, kiss, swat on the rear, tussle of the hair or a sit on the lap, these acts of affection keep couples connected when life gets crazy.
7) No "Horsemen of the Apocalypse:" This is a term coined by a famous couples researcher named John Gottman (www.gottman.com) who claims to be able to predict divorce with incredible accuracy. His "four horsemen of the apocalypse" are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. His research has shown that couples who demonstrate a high level of these in their relationships are in big trouble.
8) Mutual and Separate Friends: Partners who socialize with other couples and also maintain separate friendships have greater balance in regards to honoring themselves as individuals, within the relationship. This leads to more self satisfaction which translates to relationship satisfaction.
9) Reliability: Most of us want follow-through with our friendships and our partners. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of comfort in knowing their words mean something to the other.
10) Relationship Vision: It’s interesting the number of couples I’ve seen who don’t seem to have the big picture of their relationship in mind. Where do they see themselves in ten year? What are their relationship goals? Couples who have created a relationship vision for themselves know where they’re going as they’ve planned it together. They get joy out of reaching for their goals as a team and are less likely to be derailed by surprises down the line.
The ten characteristics are as follows and are in no particular order:
1) Friendship: Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their "best friend."
2) Humor: Partners who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflicts when they do arise. It’s the great mood lightener. I’ve noticed the use of funny nicknames can be an indicator of great fondness for one another. The names often stem from a "you had to be there" moment from the beginning of their relationship.
3) Communication: As obvious as this may seem, many couples are not very good at it. Those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deal with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.
4) Chore Sharing: Those who divvy up the household or parenting responsibilities - in a way that is mutually agreed upon way are less likely to hold resentments about what they perceive as "unfair." Each participates (albeit maybe begrudgingly) and both contribute to the relationship in this way.
5) Sexual Intimacy: Couples who have their sexual needs met or at least have negotiated a reasonable compromise if their levels of need aren’t compatible, feel taken care of by the other. Some are highly active, engaging in lovemaking multiple times a week and others are content with far less. There is no "right" or "wrong" amount. However, often times a negotiation is needed to make sure no one feels neglected by the other.
6) Affection: Partners who stay in physical contact in some way throughout the day have appeared to be the happiest ones. These moments don’t need to necessarily lead to sexual intimacy but are rather easy ways to say, "I love you," without the words. These moments can be invaluable, especially these days when everyone seems to be racing around to get "somewhere." Whether it’s a hug, kiss, swat on the rear, tussle of the hair or a sit on the lap, these acts of affection keep couples connected when life gets crazy.
7) No "Horsemen of the Apocalypse:" This is a term coined by a famous couples researcher named John Gottman (www.gottman.com) who claims to be able to predict divorce with incredible accuracy. His "four horsemen of the apocalypse" are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. His research has shown that couples who demonstrate a high level of these in their relationships are in big trouble.
8) Mutual and Separate Friends: Partners who socialize with other couples and also maintain separate friendships have greater balance in regards to honoring themselves as individuals, within the relationship. This leads to more self satisfaction which translates to relationship satisfaction.
9) Reliability: Most of us want follow-through with our friendships and our partners. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of comfort in knowing their words mean something to the other.
10) Relationship Vision: It’s interesting the number of couples I’ve seen who don’t seem to have the big picture of their relationship in mind. Where do they see themselves in ten year? What are their relationship goals? Couples who have created a relationship vision for themselves know where they’re going as they’ve planned it together. They get joy out of reaching for their goals as a team and are less likely to be derailed by surprises down the line.
Published: 12/27/2007
[Certified 'JUICY'™] - "Duante Amorculo rates this article a 10"
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/ten-characteristics-of-successful-relationships.html
Relationship Counseling
If you want to know about Relationship Counseling and the reason people need it, read this article."Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." -Emily Kimbrough
Relationships are an integral part of our lives and it is enough to give us a reassurance that we have somebody in our lives who can at least listen to our problems and sympathize with us. Relationship Counseling seems a simple word with a simple meaning and scope but it is not that simple. We tend to underestimate it since all of us do a bit of relationship counseling for our near and dear ones once in a while, don’t we? But here we would discuss about some serious aspects of relationship counseling.
When is relationship counseling needed?
Relationships can be of any kind that can be of any kind, it can be the relation between patent and children, husband and wife or siblings. There can be blood relationships and non-blood relationships. In short a relationship is established or relationship counseling is required only when a person comes close to another person but fails to coexist or they are together under compulsion and want to get rid of each other. It happens so most of the times that we fall in love with a person and when we come close to him or her we start finding faults with the same person, which may or may not exist and these may lead to differences. At times the differences are such that people even stop communicating which drives the relation to a point of no return and in times like this people need interaction and help from a third person who can view the relationship without being biased.
This is where relationship counseling come into the picture, which tries to open the routes of communication between two people, even if they allege each other and quarrel, that is counted as a means of communication and way towards the betterment of the relationship. It is infusing life in a dead part, which might pain for a while but will definitely improve.
Methods taken in Relationship Counseling
Most of the time the key to solving a problem is discussion and that is exactly what is done in case of relationship counseling as well. Counselors discuss it with the concerned people and try to take their grudges out which would otherwise have been repressed and really bitter. A counselor teaches both the parties to take responsibility of whatever has or is going wrong in the relationship. This is the first step of bridging the gap between two parties because once they start taking responsibilities; they would stop blaming each other for the faults. So once they stop blaming each other both would be more open to criticism and would not act defensive at the first opportunity. Though one session does not work for most of the couples since they tend to get back to their previous attitudes very soon. Yet it does make a difference in how they view their partner’s attitude as they tend top become much more understanding and less judgmental.
It is seen most of the times that people who break their marriages and go through the whole procedure of divorce in the end feel that they should have gone through a bit of introspection than blaming the other person because most of the tomes the problem lies in us and so lies the solution. So before you decide to call it quits it is important for you to talk and talk probably with the help of a relationship counselor who would know the reason being your attitude and can find a solution to it.
Published: 2/27/2008
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/relationship-counseling.html
Relationship Advice for Women on Understanding Men
Venus, Mars – who the hell cares where we are from? As far as I’m concerned, we are all on Earth right now and it would be really nice if we could all understand and connect with each other. If you’ve ever been mystified, by them men then you’ve come to right place. From sex advice to dating advice, and all things in between, this article will give you some very valuable relationship advice on what it takes to understand men.So, if you are confused by your man’s behavior, I can help you get your Y-chromosome facts straight. This article is about to take you inside the male mind – and is going to help you make sense of it (hopefully).
Over the years, women (and even some men) have made many attempts in trying to understand men better. In our quest to understand men, we discovered that most men tend to have a vague outline of an idea on what they really want or need from their women. They always seem to say on thing, but end up doing something else. These mixed messages that they always ended up sending us, left us feeling bewildered and confused.
Perhaps if we all had to start thinking like men, then it would probably take the male-female relationship to a whole new level. So, the next time your guy does something that’s really annoying, put yourself in his shoes.
Most women have the tendency to lament and crib about their problems, just because they want these problems to be acknowledged, while men on the other hand, tend to crib about problems because they are looking for solutions to these problems. Obviously, there are going to be many differences between a man and a woman’s point of view and how they will react when put under pressure.
Rarely do men actually think about writing us women those sweet little love letters, and rarely do they even think of sending us cards and flowers. So, when you end up getting frustrated with your guy because of his lack of romanticism, it would be good to remember that men don’t always think on these lines. They might worry about their sex lives and why it’s not all the great, but when it comes to romance, men seem to lack the basic gene. The reason however, for their lack of interest and lack of romanticism is because their idea of being ‘romantic’ is very different from that of ours.
So, if you feel that this is troubling you, then share with your man that you would love to have flowers sent to your office. Do not worry if he doesn’t respond immediately, he probably has a lot on his mind already. So, does this lack of interest in romance mean that men have less character than us women? Absolutely not!
Does your guy seem really disinterested when you are talking about something that is very important to you? Do you at times feel that you are having problems with your relationship and you really want to talk about it? Does your guy seem less excited, even annoyed, when you insist on talking about this issue immediately? More often than not, men prefer to keep their problems to themselves and prefer to think about them instead of discuss them. This however does not mean that your man is incapable of talking or communicating with you, it just means that he would rather understand the situation, analyze it and then maybe talk about it. Most of the times, a man would probably need to come up with something fixed and concrete before he can say anything or try to come up with a solution to the problem, instead of beating around the bush and discussing a number of different options.
Women tend to think about their problems aloud and prefer to talk or discuss every aspect of the issue, but this does not mean that men have to be the same. When it comes to communication, it would do you good to give your man more space. When he is ready to talk to you, then allow him to approach you. Keep telling yourself that the two of you are completely different creatures, and when it comes to communicating, men and women will always have different styles.
Don’t be upset when you don’t get the exact same response that you would desire or expect. Men are tough creatures to figure out. So, the next time you are upset with your man, try to think about the issue in the way that he probably would. Simply to acknowledge the fact that men do think in different ways from us would definitely lift a heavy burden off your shoulders. So, the next time he acts in a weird manner, don’t sweat. This does not mean that he doesn’t care about you. He probably just thinks differently than the way that you do.
More Relationship Advice on Understanding Men
Right from childhood, men are taught to be extremely disconnected from their innermost feelings. Women are brought up to expect their men to be strong, dominating and in control. According to surveys, most people think that infidelity is only the third cause for most divorces, after incompatibility and communications problems. Men however, very rarely find the comfort that they are looking for through affairs. So, it would be cruel to say that about them.
Those men who have tried out relationship counseling say that extramarital affairs only helps to compound their feelings of despair, guilt and isolation, which leads to depression. Those men who are starved of affection and intimacy at home will occasionally develop sex addictions. Like a bulimic, a cheater is just trying to fill an empty emotional void.
Women however are more fortunate as they can easily satisfy their emotional feelings by connecting with their friends, their children. But, in our man-is-the-pillar society, sex is probably the only way in which men can go about achieving emotional closeness. Therefore, even if a man doesn’t really take his pants off, most women would consider emotional cheating as being just as bad, or even worse than physical cheating.
When a man is being unfaithful, he might not think of the consequences that will follow or how his partner may feel – because he is caught in the heat of the moment. Yes, it is the level of respect and the commitment levels that you have and that your partner has that will determine whether or not your relationship will work. Through respect, open communication and caring, you will be able to understand your man better and the chances of you relationship working out will be stronger.
This of course, is the relationship advice that I would give to all women like myself. Now its up to you - whether you want to follow the advice, or whether you choose to ignore it. Remember, the next step that you take could make or break your relationship.
By Natasha Bantwal
Published: 1/20/2008
Relationship Advice - How to Improve Intimacy
http://www.buzzle.com/showImage.asp?image=4325http://www.buzzle.com/img/articleImages/18161-17med.jpg
A relationship requires intimacy. I don't think anyone would argue with that. However, what intimacy means to women and what it means to men can be two different things. The ironic thing is, both sexes need intimacy in both of it's forms to have a solid relationship.
When a woman thinks of intimacy, she generally wants to begin with emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy depends primarily on trust and frequently involves individuals discussing their feelings and emotions with each other in order to gain understanding and offer mutual support. It is necessary for human beings to have this form of intimacy on a regular basis for them to develop and maintain good mental health. When a woman says, 'Let's talk first,' she is not being coy or playing hard to get. A woman needs to feel an emotional bond before sex begins. Ok, I hear you saying, 'Women have sex with strangers, what about that?' Sure, a woman can have sex without the emotional bond, however, for a lasting relationship, this emotional bond must be present. Feeling emotionally attached to your partner takes the physical intimacy to a level that simple sex cannot achieve.
For a man, intimacy generally means physical intimacy. That is how they feel close to their partner. That does not mean they do not have an emotional connection, because for a lasting relationship, this is required. However, aside from sex as simply sex, men also need the physical intimacy to feel loved Sex alone is not enough. The emotional connection must be there for it to be meaningful. Performing without feeling will not meet a man's needs on this level.
Physical intimacy, on the other hand, does not always mean sex. Women generally like to start with hugging, kissing, and other forms of physical intimacy before sex begins. Men also enjoy these things, however, to feel connected to their partner men usually need sex too. Men and women are really looking for the same thing. It is their approach that differs. We all want to feel connected. Women place more importance on the emotional connection and men on the physical, but both are required by everyone. Here are a few suggestions that can make your connection with your partner stronger and build intimacy on every level.
Men, take the time to talk, hold hands, hug, kiss, connect to your women. When she says, 'I'm not in the mood,' it is because you haven't taken the time to do these things. This doesn't mean walk up, say hi, give her a hug and kiss, and start groping. Instead, try this approach, ask her about her day, care about her feelings and discuss them. Hold her hand or put your arm around her as you talk. Give her a hug and kiss here and there without expecting more. When she is talked out, she will usually be as ready for physical intimacy as you are. Discussing your feelings with her will build trust between you and create a strong emotional bond.
Women, if you are in a committed, long-term relationship, understand that men need sex to continue to feel connected to you. Refusing a man is the same thing as a slap in the face. This doesn't mean you have to perform every time he demands it. Far from it. Explain to him what you need to be in the mood for sex. Men do not always understand a women's needs because they have never been told. Often times, once a man understands, he will try to give you what you need. Remember, too long without sex erodes a man's belief that you love him.
Intimacy is one of the most important things in a relationship. Understanding how to meet your partner's needs is the first step in building a strong, long-lasting relationship that both of you will be happy with.
©2005 Patricia Fason
[Certified 'JUICY'™] - "Duante Amorculo rates this article a 10"
http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/8-30-2005-75804.asp
Repairing Your Relationships
Here are some ideas and tips for repairing your relationships. The key to relationship repair is communication and the most important thing is to listen fully to the other person.
Communication is key to repairing
relationships. Listening fully to the other person is the most
important part of communication -- really listening, without the
internal dialogue or ideas of what you’ll say next in your head. In
therapy with families and couples, I often ask one person to sit back
and listen like a good friend while I interview the other. I ask the
listening person to be curious –- not assume they know what the other
will say -- and assure them that they’ll have their time to reflect and
be interviewed also.
In a therapy session with a mother and her daughter, the daughter was upset, feeling that her mother did not believe her. A rich conversation emerged about the daughter’s new intentions and behavior that the mother knew nothing of. The daughter had decided, for many reasons she named and stood behind, that she no longer wanted to lie and actually had stopped awhile back. The mother knew nothing of these changes or her daughter’s desire for a relationship of trust and telling the truth. Listening without judgment is key to this new mother-daughter communication.
More Ideas:
• Create an atmosphere of care and support by validating the other person’s reality or point of view (really listening to the other supports this)
• Let go of your bag of old grievances. If you have a long history, with a heavy load of pain, consider using a ritual to help release them.
• Avoid labeling, dumping, mind-reading and generalizing – it might make you feel better temporarily, but it takes a toll on your relationships.
• Avoid generalizing about the other (i.e."you always....").
• Re-invigorate your communication by being crystal clear, specific and detailed in your requests for change. Focus on actions, words, facial expressions, gestures, voice tones and volumes like a DVD
• Stay in the present or recent history and focus on actions, not personal traits.
• Avoid stories. Re-invigorate your communication by making your action request clear and specific
• Negotiate, compromise or, if necessary, shelve a disagreement for a specified time
• Catch the other (your partner, child, etc) doing something right – let them know quickly and specifically what you are noticing and appreciating!
• Write a letter to the other person, telling them about a time you felt close to them or loved. Include specific descriptions of what he or she did!
• Change one of your long-established relational patterns……..and see what happens
• Do something different! There are times, when it is time to stop talking and start acting.
REMEMBER: There are no lists or standard requirements of what makes a good wife, husband, partner, child or friend—you and the other person get to invent your own list and teach each other what works!
For more information on relationship repair go to www.nancyruben.com
In a therapy session with a mother and her daughter, the daughter was upset, feeling that her mother did not believe her. A rich conversation emerged about the daughter’s new intentions and behavior that the mother knew nothing of. The daughter had decided, for many reasons she named and stood behind, that she no longer wanted to lie and actually had stopped awhile back. The mother knew nothing of these changes or her daughter’s desire for a relationship of trust and telling the truth. Listening without judgment is key to this new mother-daughter communication.
More Ideas:
• Create an atmosphere of care and support by validating the other person’s reality or point of view (really listening to the other supports this)
• Let go of your bag of old grievances. If you have a long history, with a heavy load of pain, consider using a ritual to help release them.
• Avoid labeling, dumping, mind-reading and generalizing – it might make you feel better temporarily, but it takes a toll on your relationships.
• Avoid generalizing about the other (i.e."you always....").
• Re-invigorate your communication by being crystal clear, specific and detailed in your requests for change. Focus on actions, words, facial expressions, gestures, voice tones and volumes like a DVD
• Stay in the present or recent history and focus on actions, not personal traits.
• Avoid stories. Re-invigorate your communication by making your action request clear and specific
• Negotiate, compromise or, if necessary, shelve a disagreement for a specified time
• Catch the other (your partner, child, etc) doing something right – let them know quickly and specifically what you are noticing and appreciating!
• Write a letter to the other person, telling them about a time you felt close to them or loved. Include specific descriptions of what he or she did!
• Change one of your long-established relational patterns……..and see what happens
• Do something different! There are times, when it is time to stop talking and start acting.
REMEMBER: There are no lists or standard requirements of what makes a good wife, husband, partner, child or friend—you and the other person get to invent your own list and teach each other what works!
For more information on relationship repair go to www.nancyruben.com
Published: 4/5/2008
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/repairing-your-relationships.html
Want Great Relationships ?
In this article we explain how you can learn the art of love and respect. Learn techniques that will help you to achieve happy and healthy relationships with the people around you. Changing this uncomfortable pattern is possible when you learn alternative ways to create mutually satisfying relationships.,
Does it seem as if people want more
than you can give? Do you feel pressured to keep them all happy? If so,
you're not alone. Change this uncomfortable pattern now by learning new
ways of creating more love and respect, as well as little-known methods
that will help you to create happy and healthy relationships in all
areas of your life. Don't wait to feel happier; you can begin today!
Most of us care deeply for the people close to us. We want to see them
happy and we want their love, respect and acceptance. Unfortunately, in
trying to achieve these things, many of us find that we become
resentful of what we see as their demanding behavior.
In our workshops, we hear frequently people describe their significant other as 'controlling,' their father as 'self-centered,' or their boss as 'demanding.' They tell us that they spend so much time trying to make the other people happy that there's no time left for themselves. The good news is that this isn't the only option. By taking the advice below, you can transform these feelings of resentment into a much more enjoyable experience.
How do I deal with demanding people or cope with their controlling habits?
Stop labeling them!
When you box people into a label of what they 'are' (demanding, selfish, uncaring), all that happens is that you give the other person control over the situation. Step outside the label box and reclaim your power. Keep your attention focused on yourself. What do you want in the situation? What's missing for you? By labeling the people in your life, you give them total responsibility for making things better. If you think that your unhappiness is because they 'are' controlling or demanding, then your situation cannot improve unless they change. This is what we call the "blame game" and it keeps you from letting go of your hurt feelings and can ultimately result in severe relationship conflict.
There is an Easier Way
Take back responsibility for your own happiness. Give up the belief that other people are the cause of your hurt feelings. Understanding that your thinking is actually a cause of your feelings is the very first step that you need to take in order for things to change for the better. Once you do, you can then start to focus on what you 'do want' in each situation. Ask yourself what is needed to create an outcome which is satisfying to everyone involved. When you know what you want you can begin looking at these situations as an opportunity to explore ways of meeting everyone's needs and re-establishing or creating a healthy relationship.
Focus On What You Want and You Will Get More of It
When you focus your attention on what the other person "is" you are less likely to notice other, more creative solutions for your problems. Anytime you are attempting to deal with one of your relationship issues, begin by looking inward and pinpoint what you "want" in the situation.
How to Create Those Magical Relationships ?
1. Stop playing the "blame game.' Drop any old feelings of judgment or anger.
2. Identify what's most important to you when you are interacting with other people. Visit our website and download our complementary values exercise. We encourage you to use it to determine the qualities that are most important to you in your relationships--the ones that bring joy and satisfaction into your life.
Let's say you did the values worksheet and you noticed that consideration was very important to you. Meanwhile, you've been labeling your roommate as 'selfish' or your romantic partner as 'controlling.' If you could have more consideration in your relationship that would absolutely bring more happiness into your life. Take responsibility for having more consideration in your life by coming up with a specific way you could experience more consideration in that relationship.
3. Request support. Ask the other person in the relationship if they would do their best to take part in whatever ideas you came up with which would help you have more of a sense of consideration in your relationship with them.
By changing where you focus your attention, from what people 'are' to what you 'want,' you can take back control of your own happiness. When you know that your happiness does not depend on others, you free yourself from the bonds of resentment and begin to feel better right away. Start looking for ways to have what you want, to experience what brings you more joy and, at the end of the day, to create the kind of relationships you truly want.
In our workshops, we hear frequently people describe their significant other as 'controlling,' their father as 'self-centered,' or their boss as 'demanding.' They tell us that they spend so much time trying to make the other people happy that there's no time left for themselves. The good news is that this isn't the only option. By taking the advice below, you can transform these feelings of resentment into a much more enjoyable experience.
How do I deal with demanding people or cope with their controlling habits?
Stop labeling them!
When you box people into a label of what they 'are' (demanding, selfish, uncaring), all that happens is that you give the other person control over the situation. Step outside the label box and reclaim your power. Keep your attention focused on yourself. What do you want in the situation? What's missing for you? By labeling the people in your life, you give them total responsibility for making things better. If you think that your unhappiness is because they 'are' controlling or demanding, then your situation cannot improve unless they change. This is what we call the "blame game" and it keeps you from letting go of your hurt feelings and can ultimately result in severe relationship conflict.
There is an Easier Way
Take back responsibility for your own happiness. Give up the belief that other people are the cause of your hurt feelings. Understanding that your thinking is actually a cause of your feelings is the very first step that you need to take in order for things to change for the better. Once you do, you can then start to focus on what you 'do want' in each situation. Ask yourself what is needed to create an outcome which is satisfying to everyone involved. When you know what you want you can begin looking at these situations as an opportunity to explore ways of meeting everyone's needs and re-establishing or creating a healthy relationship.
Focus On What You Want and You Will Get More of It
When you focus your attention on what the other person "is" you are less likely to notice other, more creative solutions for your problems. Anytime you are attempting to deal with one of your relationship issues, begin by looking inward and pinpoint what you "want" in the situation.
How to Create Those Magical Relationships ?
1. Stop playing the "blame game.' Drop any old feelings of judgment or anger.
2. Identify what's most important to you when you are interacting with other people. Visit our website and download our complementary values exercise. We encourage you to use it to determine the qualities that are most important to you in your relationships--the ones that bring joy and satisfaction into your life.
Let's say you did the values worksheet and you noticed that consideration was very important to you. Meanwhile, you've been labeling your roommate as 'selfish' or your romantic partner as 'controlling.' If you could have more consideration in your relationship that would absolutely bring more happiness into your life. Take responsibility for having more consideration in your life by coming up with a specific way you could experience more consideration in that relationship.
3. Request support. Ask the other person in the relationship if they would do their best to take part in whatever ideas you came up with which would help you have more of a sense of consideration in your relationship with them.
By changing where you focus your attention, from what people 'are' to what you 'want,' you can take back control of your own happiness. When you know that your happiness does not depend on others, you free yourself from the bonds of resentment and begin to feel better right away. Start looking for ways to have what you want, to experience what brings you more joy and, at the end of the day, to create the kind of relationships you truly want.
By Beth Banning and Neill Gibson
Published: 3/20/2008
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/want-great-relationships.html
5 Top Tips To Invigorate Your Relationship
Are you like millions of other people who've endured the frustration of
relationship breakdown? Perhaps you're disillusioned with love because
relationship after relationship never lasts. Here are 5 reasons as to
why many relationships breakdown to help you form lasting, happier
unions.
Effective communication between lovers is a cornerstone of every successful relationship. Communicating wants and needs clearly to each other reduces misunderstandings and confusion and brings clarity. But many people have a somewhat silly notion that their partners "should automatically know what I want" and get frustrated and angry when their partner doesn't deliver. OK, as much as you wish, people are not telepathic mind readers and expecting them to be is unrealistic. So let each other know your wants and needs clearly and in a non-demanding way and watch your relationship grow stronger.
Respect for each other is absolutely fundamental. This means accepting and loving your partner for the wonderful, unique human being they are. However, many people actually believe they "own" their partner, and expect them to conform in ways they deem appropriate. This is more like slavery than love! Your partner isn't your private property, they certainly aren't your slave and it isn't conducive to a happy relationship to restrict their freedoms by treating them this way. Your partner may want to grow in ways you may not like or even feel comfortable with but preventing their growth not only stifles them but you as well. Because your partner will treat you in the same way. Instead of restricting each other's freedoms, it is far better encourage your partner to grow and become the person they want to be. Indeed, this is the only way true love can flourish.
The blame game is another effective way to drive a wedge between you and your partner. The blame game is played by people who seize upon the slightest of mistakes and lay into their partner over it. We live in a blame culture these days but in relationships it has no place. Another way the blame game is played is when you do something wrong and then find a way to blame your partner. "That wouldn't have happened if it hadn't have been for you talking to me" is a prime example. No one wants to be told they are continually at fault and love can't blossom between two people who play the blame game with each other. Far better is to work together and accept joint responsibility and try to solve problems and issues for the benefit of the relationship instead of scoring points over each other.
Without doubt, the single worst way to spoil your relationship is to be argumentative because you need to be right. This is DEADLY. Argumentative people will argue to the nth degree until they "win" about everything and anything. They will not listen and consider their partner's viewpoints and will rarely if ever compromise. Any criticism, even if fair and justified will be met with defensive and sometimes angry responses as the need to be right overrides the need to compromise and improve the relationship. Try not to get into silly, futile arguments and remember that winning arguments isn't the objective, but what is best for your relationship - if you want it to last.
Keeping the spark alive in a relationship is something many couples fail to do. Contentment sets in, you start to take your partner for granted and gradually, the spark fades and dies. It's so easy to fall into the contentment trap and the result is you stop making an effort for your partner. Your appearance changes, you don't go out as much, and lots of other activities you used to do have been ditched. The mystery has gone, the challenge has gone, the spark just isn't there! Keep it alive by making the effort to do new things, to enjoy new adventures and remember to do things separate from each other as well as with each other and you'll reap the rewards.
Put this knowledge to work for your relationship and both you and your partner will enjoy greater happiness.
To discover more articles and tips to help you improve your relationship, check out the resources we've put together for you over on our website at: http://www.transformyourlovelife.com
Effective communication between lovers is a cornerstone of every successful relationship. Communicating wants and needs clearly to each other reduces misunderstandings and confusion and brings clarity. But many people have a somewhat silly notion that their partners "should automatically know what I want" and get frustrated and angry when their partner doesn't deliver. OK, as much as you wish, people are not telepathic mind readers and expecting them to be is unrealistic. So let each other know your wants and needs clearly and in a non-demanding way and watch your relationship grow stronger.
Respect for each other is absolutely fundamental. This means accepting and loving your partner for the wonderful, unique human being they are. However, many people actually believe they "own" their partner, and expect them to conform in ways they deem appropriate. This is more like slavery than love! Your partner isn't your private property, they certainly aren't your slave and it isn't conducive to a happy relationship to restrict their freedoms by treating them this way. Your partner may want to grow in ways you may not like or even feel comfortable with but preventing their growth not only stifles them but you as well. Because your partner will treat you in the same way. Instead of restricting each other's freedoms, it is far better encourage your partner to grow and become the person they want to be. Indeed, this is the only way true love can flourish.
The blame game is another effective way to drive a wedge between you and your partner. The blame game is played by people who seize upon the slightest of mistakes and lay into their partner over it. We live in a blame culture these days but in relationships it has no place. Another way the blame game is played is when you do something wrong and then find a way to blame your partner. "That wouldn't have happened if it hadn't have been for you talking to me" is a prime example. No one wants to be told they are continually at fault and love can't blossom between two people who play the blame game with each other. Far better is to work together and accept joint responsibility and try to solve problems and issues for the benefit of the relationship instead of scoring points over each other.
Without doubt, the single worst way to spoil your relationship is to be argumentative because you need to be right. This is DEADLY. Argumentative people will argue to the nth degree until they "win" about everything and anything. They will not listen and consider their partner's viewpoints and will rarely if ever compromise. Any criticism, even if fair and justified will be met with defensive and sometimes angry responses as the need to be right overrides the need to compromise and improve the relationship. Try not to get into silly, futile arguments and remember that winning arguments isn't the objective, but what is best for your relationship - if you want it to last.
Keeping the spark alive in a relationship is something many couples fail to do. Contentment sets in, you start to take your partner for granted and gradually, the spark fades and dies. It's so easy to fall into the contentment trap and the result is you stop making an effort for your partner. Your appearance changes, you don't go out as much, and lots of other activities you used to do have been ditched. The mystery has gone, the challenge has gone, the spark just isn't there! Keep it alive by making the effort to do new things, to enjoy new adventures and remember to do things separate from each other as well as with each other and you'll reap the rewards.
Put this knowledge to work for your relationship and both you and your partner will enjoy greater happiness.
To discover more articles and tips to help you improve your relationship, check out the resources we've put together for you over on our website at: http://www.transformyourlovelife.com
By Chris Green
Published: 6/9/2007
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/5-top-tips-invigorate-relationship.html
5 Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them
Don’t let your relationship fail. Learn about 5 relationship killers and begin to heal the underlying fears that cause these relationship killers.As a relationship counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.
Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.
Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.
RESISTANCE
Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.
When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.
NEEDINESS
Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.
SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS
Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.
EYES ON PARTNER'S PLATE
Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.
RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS
All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.
The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.
A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Published: 7/26/2006
http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/7-26-2006-103560.asp
Why Love Relationships Fail
Love relationships fail because at
no time in our training by society are we given a factual model of what
a love relationship is, or how to make one succeed. There are
fundamentally three levels on which intimate relationships operate, and
our social training only prepares us to deal with one of them – the
most superficial one – and even that one ineptly. This superficial
level is called the expectations level. It is usually the only level we
address consciously.
The expectations level consists of all our self-images and self-importance. When we primp ourselves in front of a mirror, what we are primping is our expectations of other people. It’s the level of our daydreams and fantasies, whereon everyone is as impressed with us as we are with ourselves.
On the expectations level what interests us the most about a prospective partner is his or her physical attractiveness, manner of dress and bearing, social and educational background, future prospects, how "cool" he or she is, how he or she reflects back on us, what others will think of us for having chosen this partner.
On the expectations level a 'love relationship' is actually an approval agreement, a contract, To Wit: "The party of the first part hereby agrees to pretend to honor, love, cherish and obey the party of the second part; in return for which considerations the party of the second part agrees not to hurt, betray, nor expose to public embarrassment the party of the first part (see appended schedule of specific acts which shall be deemed to constitute ‘hurt’, ‘betrayal’, and ‘public embarrassment’). Any violation of this agreement by either party shall be considered valid grounds for spitefulness, vengeance, and all manner of carrying on like a big baby."
On the expectations level we submit ourselves to another person not for love, but for approval. Love and approval have nothing to do with one another. Love is a light, joyous, happy feeling; receiving approval is a tight, clinging, possessive feeling, which does, however, have an ego rush behind it. That ego rush is not joy – it’s glory, self-importance, which our society trains us to seek instead of love.
The expectations level must eventually wear out because its basic premise is getting something for nothing. On this level everything we’re putting out ('giving') is phony – it’s just to impress other people, or to get something more in return. We’re putting out phoniness in the hope of getting something real (happiness) back. And that’s not how the universe is set up. There are no free lunches or free rides out there.
What fools us is that most of the messages we receive – from our parents and peers, our teachers and preachers, our leaders and the media – are that the expectations level works; and if it doesn’t, that’s our fault and we should be ashamed of ourselves.
For whom is it working? Look around. How many truly happy marriages are you aware of (of more than ten years’ duration, since it can take that long or longer for the expectations level to wear thin). Sure, there are some, but not many; and usually the people involved in truly happy marriages are very, very special people in their own right.
Isn’t this true? But there are also lots of relationships which appear to be happy on the surface, but are actually miserable underneath: both partners have learned to repress their true feelings and resign themselves to unhappiness without showing it. These people never get beyond the expectations level.
The reason why the expectations level inevitably crashes – although it can and often does mellow into true love after the crash – is because it is wholly narcissistic: it doesn’t include the other person. It does not permit the other person to be a person, but only a reflection of our own fondest self-images. It doesn’t allow the other person space to be real – to have feelings of his or her own.
For example, is our partner permitted to have sex with whomever he / she wishes? Is our partner even permitted to be sexually turned on by anyone but us? Is our partner permitted to tell us that we are not a satisfying lover? The list could go on and on. Only sexual expectations are mentioned here because those are practically universal, but we have all sorts of other fences we try to erect around our partners to keep them pristine and unsullied for us – expectations that they will agree with us about money, child raising, career, religion, etc.; expectations that they will forego making their own decisions in order to support us.
The expectations level must eventually crash under its own weight by sheer exhaustion. When people are involved with one another in an approval agreement, or any agenda that is not love, then everyone has to work overtime in order to convince the other or to convince oneself; and this is painful to bear.
The expectations level would be problematical and contradictory enough if it were the only level on which we relate with other people. Unfortunately, there are two deeper levels which actually govern the course of our relationships, and these deeper levels contradict the expectations level.
The level which underlies and controls the expectations level, which assures that the expectations level will eventually crash, or be maintained in great suffering, is the conditioning level. It’s the level of our basic conditioning by society, which is to hate ourselves. Beneath the glitter and glory of our expectations, our self-images, is the grim truth that we are actually ashamed of ourselves. We are taught to be dissatisfied with ourselves by our parents and society.
Whereas the expectations level is set up so that people will be "nice" to each other (make the agreement: "I won’t expose you as a liar and phony if you won’t expose me as a liar and phony"), the conditioning level is set up to divide people, to make them fear and distrust each other. We are not trained to relate intimately with one another, but rather to wage war upon one another – to feel hurt, jealous, competitive, critical; to pick at each other and bend each other out of shape – rather than to be happy and accepting. The parent / child relationship is the basic war setup; the man / woman war is grafted on top.
While on an expectations level we tell ourselves that what we want is to live happily ever after, we are conditioned by our society to hate ourselves and to deny ourselves the very love which we consciously tell ourselves that we are seeking. We are trained by our parents to hate ourselves in precisely the same fashion in which our parents hated themselves.
The conditioning level is the level which psychotherapy addresses (unfortunately, after the damage is already done). We are so overwhelmed by our parents when we are little – so awed by their divinity – that we are afraid to express, or allow ourselves to feel openly, anger at them, or any other feeling of which they would not approve – which contradicts their expectations. Thus our parents’ expectations level becomes our conditioning level.
Society calls infatuation with our own self-images "love"; and so on an expectations level we tell ourselves that we are going into relationships to get "love"; whereas on a conditioning level we are going into relationships to deny ourselves love – to pinpoint, through the mirroring of another person, precisely how we ourselves are incapable of giving and receiving love.
One might well wonder why people would want to reenact the situations out of their childhood which brought them the most pain and trauma. The reason is that those wounds never healed properly. They are still raw and suppurating, and extremely tender to the touch. Only by tearing those wounds back open again and cleaning out all the dreck, the self-hatred, can a true healing occur. And only by staging a situation similar to the one which produced those wounds originally can the wounds be reopened (actually this isn’t the only way of doing it; there are far more skillful ways of doing it, such as Active Imagination. However, this is the most popular way of doing it).
Just as on the expectations level our goal is the validation of our images, on the conditioning level our goal is to recreate all the emotional turmoil our parents inflicted on us, but this time around to grab the brass ring of love which our parents denied us.
Up until recently society has had the fifth Commandment and a raft of social sanctions in place against examining the conditioning level too closely. Freud was one of the first to take a good, hard look at this level of human interaction. And at the present time there are lots of good popular books available on the subject of toxic parents, how we all marry our father or mother, and seek in marriage the precise same hurt and nonfulfillment which our principle caregivers made us feel in infancy. The problem is that we don’t bother reading these books until our relationships are already in deep trouble. These books should be required reading for all high school students.
"Don’t blame your parents! Just wait until you’re a parent yourself!" they (our parents) tell us. Well, that’s wrong; we should blame our parents, because only by consciously blaming them are we in a position to consciously forgive them. Only when we can see that it was their own self-hatred which their parents laid on them that impelled them to do what they did to us; only when we can see them as people in as much or more pain as we, who really did try to do the best for us they knew how; only then can we forgive our parents. And only then can we forgive ourselves, and let go of our own self-hatred, no longer needing to reenact it or to blame ourselves over and over because we loved our parents, and all they cared about was being right.
The third (and deepest) level of relationship is the karma level – the level of the lessons we are trying to learn from certain people, based upon our experiences with them in other lifetimes and realities. Anything which is wrong or out-of-kilter in a relationship originates on the karma level. Our gut-level, first impressions of people are often good indicators of the kind of karma we have going with them; but our conscious minds often bury such information directly as it is perceived.
For example, it could happen that the reason we are sexually turned on by a certain person is that in a previous life we raped and tortured that person; for some aeons, perhaps, that individual has been itching for a lifetime in which to right matters. That might be the karma we have set up with someone; but all our conscious mind knows, on its level of expectation, is that we are sexually turned on by that person and want the person to validate it by having sex with us. And so we put our head in that person’s noose, and wonder later on why things aren’t working out as we’d imagined.
The karma and conditioning levels work in tandem to control the actual circumstances and course of a relationship. For example, if on the conditioning level we decide to reenact a parent’s abandonment of us and we choose a partner who will abandon us, we might select for that role someone whom in a previous lifetime we abandoned. This can be considered a penance; but we can also look at it as a kind of "you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours" – like saying, "I made you suffer in that lifetime, and now I want to know how you felt – to feel the feelings I made you feel." On the karma level, as on the conditioning level, we try to restage events which will produce a resonance with some unresolved emotional issue in the totality of our being.
The agendas we have set up with other people on the karma level are often revealed in the very first impressions we have of them and which we immediately repress. It’s hard to describe this, and it’s different for everyone, but often upon meeting someone with whom we have a heavy karmic agenda going, we get a FLASH, a conscious feeling or thought, of something we desire or feel threatened by about that person. And then we immediately "forget" what we just felt, because if we have bad karma going with the person, then that flash was of a side of ourselves which we don’t want to consciously face or acknowledge – a side we are calling upon that person to enact openly for us, to ram down our throat for us, until we’re forced to acknowledge it. Thus we "forget" this first impression, and later on pretend we don’t understand why the person we loved and trusted so much could have changed so.
Of course, we can run past-life regressions to check what sort of karma we have going with someone before getting seriously involved with them – sort of like running a credit or AIDS check on a prospective spouse. In India astrology has been historically relied upon for this sort of information. But we can also avoid difficulties just by being alert to our own gut feelings and intuitive impressions of other people, rather than ignoring this most essential information in a relationship.
Thus the basic intensity or emotional theme of a relationship is set up on the karma level; the particular script, the sequence of events which will unfold in a relationship, is set up on the conditioning level; and the costuming, the superficial appearances or show put on for the benefit of the neighbors, is set up on the expectations level.
The glare of the expectations level blinds us to what is happening on the two deeper levels; and the expectations level is a lie. What is actually going on in a relationship on the conditioning and karma levels is always quite visible; but we pretend we don’t see it, we pretend we don’t understand it, in order to uphold our expectations as long as possible.
By "lie" is meant something that we feel, but which we suppress or conceal. For example, if our sex partner is doing something that doesn’t feel good and turns us off, and we lay there and take it because we’re too embarrassed to speak up and possibly hurt our partner’s feelings, then that’s a lie. Any time we do not communicate something we are feeling because we are embarrassed to do so, or because we don’t want to hurt or provoke the other person or become a target for his or her disapproval, we are lying. Lying leads to sneaking around behind the other person’s back. Lies lead to more lies.
We can tell if lying is taking place in a relationship this way: if there is an area in which we don’t trust the other person; where we withhold from the other person; where we are afraid of the other person (his / her disapproval or rejection); where we feel something other than GOOD about the person; then that is a place where we are lying. We are trained to lie to other people, and then to feel betrayed when our lies are exposed.
All a lie is, is a contradiction. Lies must always exist in pairs, whereas the truth – love – just is. For example, on the level of our expectations we might set up the pair: "I want you to be honest with me" and "I don’t want to hear how turned on you are by someone else." On the level of our conditioning we might set up the pair: "I truly love you, mommy!" and "I’ll never question your love for me!" On the level of karma lies don’t exist per se (it’s repressing this level that makes a lie out of it); but one could say that the basic lie or duality of the karma level is: "You and I are two" and "You and I are one."
All the lies in a relationship are laid down right at the beginning. By 'laid down' is meant: conscious. Conscious for a moment, and then – just as consciously – repressed, ignored, 'forgotten.' The basic lies of the karma level may be laid down in the first few seconds of a relationship. The lies of the conditioning level (the game plan of who’s going to hurt whom, and how) are usually laid down at the time the relationship is formalized – when the mutual decision is made to commit, to 'get serious' as it were. And the expectations level is a complete lie from the first pop: love is not s
The expectations level consists of all our self-images and self-importance. When we primp ourselves in front of a mirror, what we are primping is our expectations of other people. It’s the level of our daydreams and fantasies, whereon everyone is as impressed with us as we are with ourselves.
On the expectations level what interests us the most about a prospective partner is his or her physical attractiveness, manner of dress and bearing, social and educational background, future prospects, how "cool" he or she is, how he or she reflects back on us, what others will think of us for having chosen this partner.
On the expectations level a 'love relationship' is actually an approval agreement, a contract, To Wit: "The party of the first part hereby agrees to pretend to honor, love, cherish and obey the party of the second part; in return for which considerations the party of the second part agrees not to hurt, betray, nor expose to public embarrassment the party of the first part (see appended schedule of specific acts which shall be deemed to constitute ‘hurt’, ‘betrayal’, and ‘public embarrassment’). Any violation of this agreement by either party shall be considered valid grounds for spitefulness, vengeance, and all manner of carrying on like a big baby."
On the expectations level we submit ourselves to another person not for love, but for approval. Love and approval have nothing to do with one another. Love is a light, joyous, happy feeling; receiving approval is a tight, clinging, possessive feeling, which does, however, have an ego rush behind it. That ego rush is not joy – it’s glory, self-importance, which our society trains us to seek instead of love.
The expectations level must eventually wear out because its basic premise is getting something for nothing. On this level everything we’re putting out ('giving') is phony – it’s just to impress other people, or to get something more in return. We’re putting out phoniness in the hope of getting something real (happiness) back. And that’s not how the universe is set up. There are no free lunches or free rides out there.
What fools us is that most of the messages we receive – from our parents and peers, our teachers and preachers, our leaders and the media – are that the expectations level works; and if it doesn’t, that’s our fault and we should be ashamed of ourselves.
For whom is it working? Look around. How many truly happy marriages are you aware of (of more than ten years’ duration, since it can take that long or longer for the expectations level to wear thin). Sure, there are some, but not many; and usually the people involved in truly happy marriages are very, very special people in their own right.
Isn’t this true? But there are also lots of relationships which appear to be happy on the surface, but are actually miserable underneath: both partners have learned to repress their true feelings and resign themselves to unhappiness without showing it. These people never get beyond the expectations level.
The reason why the expectations level inevitably crashes – although it can and often does mellow into true love after the crash – is because it is wholly narcissistic: it doesn’t include the other person. It does not permit the other person to be a person, but only a reflection of our own fondest self-images. It doesn’t allow the other person space to be real – to have feelings of his or her own.
For example, is our partner permitted to have sex with whomever he / she wishes? Is our partner even permitted to be sexually turned on by anyone but us? Is our partner permitted to tell us that we are not a satisfying lover? The list could go on and on. Only sexual expectations are mentioned here because those are practically universal, but we have all sorts of other fences we try to erect around our partners to keep them pristine and unsullied for us – expectations that they will agree with us about money, child raising, career, religion, etc.; expectations that they will forego making their own decisions in order to support us.
The expectations level must eventually crash under its own weight by sheer exhaustion. When people are involved with one another in an approval agreement, or any agenda that is not love, then everyone has to work overtime in order to convince the other or to convince oneself; and this is painful to bear.
The expectations level would be problematical and contradictory enough if it were the only level on which we relate with other people. Unfortunately, there are two deeper levels which actually govern the course of our relationships, and these deeper levels contradict the expectations level.
The level which underlies and controls the expectations level, which assures that the expectations level will eventually crash, or be maintained in great suffering, is the conditioning level. It’s the level of our basic conditioning by society, which is to hate ourselves. Beneath the glitter and glory of our expectations, our self-images, is the grim truth that we are actually ashamed of ourselves. We are taught to be dissatisfied with ourselves by our parents and society.
Whereas the expectations level is set up so that people will be "nice" to each other (make the agreement: "I won’t expose you as a liar and phony if you won’t expose me as a liar and phony"), the conditioning level is set up to divide people, to make them fear and distrust each other. We are not trained to relate intimately with one another, but rather to wage war upon one another – to feel hurt, jealous, competitive, critical; to pick at each other and bend each other out of shape – rather than to be happy and accepting. The parent / child relationship is the basic war setup; the man / woman war is grafted on top.
While on an expectations level we tell ourselves that what we want is to live happily ever after, we are conditioned by our society to hate ourselves and to deny ourselves the very love which we consciously tell ourselves that we are seeking. We are trained by our parents to hate ourselves in precisely the same fashion in which our parents hated themselves.
The conditioning level is the level which psychotherapy addresses (unfortunately, after the damage is already done). We are so overwhelmed by our parents when we are little – so awed by their divinity – that we are afraid to express, or allow ourselves to feel openly, anger at them, or any other feeling of which they would not approve – which contradicts their expectations. Thus our parents’ expectations level becomes our conditioning level.
Society calls infatuation with our own self-images "love"; and so on an expectations level we tell ourselves that we are going into relationships to get "love"; whereas on a conditioning level we are going into relationships to deny ourselves love – to pinpoint, through the mirroring of another person, precisely how we ourselves are incapable of giving and receiving love.
One might well wonder why people would want to reenact the situations out of their childhood which brought them the most pain and trauma. The reason is that those wounds never healed properly. They are still raw and suppurating, and extremely tender to the touch. Only by tearing those wounds back open again and cleaning out all the dreck, the self-hatred, can a true healing occur. And only by staging a situation similar to the one which produced those wounds originally can the wounds be reopened (actually this isn’t the only way of doing it; there are far more skillful ways of doing it, such as Active Imagination. However, this is the most popular way of doing it).
Just as on the expectations level our goal is the validation of our images, on the conditioning level our goal is to recreate all the emotional turmoil our parents inflicted on us, but this time around to grab the brass ring of love which our parents denied us.
Up until recently society has had the fifth Commandment and a raft of social sanctions in place against examining the conditioning level too closely. Freud was one of the first to take a good, hard look at this level of human interaction. And at the present time there are lots of good popular books available on the subject of toxic parents, how we all marry our father or mother, and seek in marriage the precise same hurt and nonfulfillment which our principle caregivers made us feel in infancy. The problem is that we don’t bother reading these books until our relationships are already in deep trouble. These books should be required reading for all high school students.
"Don’t blame your parents! Just wait until you’re a parent yourself!" they (our parents) tell us. Well, that’s wrong; we should blame our parents, because only by consciously blaming them are we in a position to consciously forgive them. Only when we can see that it was their own self-hatred which their parents laid on them that impelled them to do what they did to us; only when we can see them as people in as much or more pain as we, who really did try to do the best for us they knew how; only then can we forgive our parents. And only then can we forgive ourselves, and let go of our own self-hatred, no longer needing to reenact it or to blame ourselves over and over because we loved our parents, and all they cared about was being right.
The third (and deepest) level of relationship is the karma level – the level of the lessons we are trying to learn from certain people, based upon our experiences with them in other lifetimes and realities. Anything which is wrong or out-of-kilter in a relationship originates on the karma level. Our gut-level, first impressions of people are often good indicators of the kind of karma we have going with them; but our conscious minds often bury such information directly as it is perceived.
For example, it could happen that the reason we are sexually turned on by a certain person is that in a previous life we raped and tortured that person; for some aeons, perhaps, that individual has been itching for a lifetime in which to right matters. That might be the karma we have set up with someone; but all our conscious mind knows, on its level of expectation, is that we are sexually turned on by that person and want the person to validate it by having sex with us. And so we put our head in that person’s noose, and wonder later on why things aren’t working out as we’d imagined.
The karma and conditioning levels work in tandem to control the actual circumstances and course of a relationship. For example, if on the conditioning level we decide to reenact a parent’s abandonment of us and we choose a partner who will abandon us, we might select for that role someone whom in a previous lifetime we abandoned. This can be considered a penance; but we can also look at it as a kind of "you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours" – like saying, "I made you suffer in that lifetime, and now I want to know how you felt – to feel the feelings I made you feel." On the karma level, as on the conditioning level, we try to restage events which will produce a resonance with some unresolved emotional issue in the totality of our being.
The agendas we have set up with other people on the karma level are often revealed in the very first impressions we have of them and which we immediately repress. It’s hard to describe this, and it’s different for everyone, but often upon meeting someone with whom we have a heavy karmic agenda going, we get a FLASH, a conscious feeling or thought, of something we desire or feel threatened by about that person. And then we immediately "forget" what we just felt, because if we have bad karma going with the person, then that flash was of a side of ourselves which we don’t want to consciously face or acknowledge – a side we are calling upon that person to enact openly for us, to ram down our throat for us, until we’re forced to acknowledge it. Thus we "forget" this first impression, and later on pretend we don’t understand why the person we loved and trusted so much could have changed so.
Of course, we can run past-life regressions to check what sort of karma we have going with someone before getting seriously involved with them – sort of like running a credit or AIDS check on a prospective spouse. In India astrology has been historically relied upon for this sort of information. But we can also avoid difficulties just by being alert to our own gut feelings and intuitive impressions of other people, rather than ignoring this most essential information in a relationship.
Thus the basic intensity or emotional theme of a relationship is set up on the karma level; the particular script, the sequence of events which will unfold in a relationship, is set up on the conditioning level; and the costuming, the superficial appearances or show put on for the benefit of the neighbors, is set up on the expectations level.
The glare of the expectations level blinds us to what is happening on the two deeper levels; and the expectations level is a lie. What is actually going on in a relationship on the conditioning and karma levels is always quite visible; but we pretend we don’t see it, we pretend we don’t understand it, in order to uphold our expectations as long as possible.
By "lie" is meant something that we feel, but which we suppress or conceal. For example, if our sex partner is doing something that doesn’t feel good and turns us off, and we lay there and take it because we’re too embarrassed to speak up and possibly hurt our partner’s feelings, then that’s a lie. Any time we do not communicate something we are feeling because we are embarrassed to do so, or because we don’t want to hurt or provoke the other person or become a target for his or her disapproval, we are lying. Lying leads to sneaking around behind the other person’s back. Lies lead to more lies.
We can tell if lying is taking place in a relationship this way: if there is an area in which we don’t trust the other person; where we withhold from the other person; where we are afraid of the other person (his / her disapproval or rejection); where we feel something other than GOOD about the person; then that is a place where we are lying. We are trained to lie to other people, and then to feel betrayed when our lies are exposed.
All a lie is, is a contradiction. Lies must always exist in pairs, whereas the truth – love – just is. For example, on the level of our expectations we might set up the pair: "I want you to be honest with me" and "I don’t want to hear how turned on you are by someone else." On the level of our conditioning we might set up the pair: "I truly love you, mommy!" and "I’ll never question your love for me!" On the level of karma lies don’t exist per se (it’s repressing this level that makes a lie out of it); but one could say that the basic lie or duality of the karma level is: "You and I are two" and "You and I are one."
All the lies in a relationship are laid down right at the beginning. By 'laid down' is meant: conscious. Conscious for a moment, and then – just as consciously – repressed, ignored, 'forgotten.' The basic lies of the karma level may be laid down in the first few seconds of a relationship. The lies of the conditioning level (the game plan of who’s going to hurt whom, and how) are usually laid down at the time the relationship is formalized – when the mutual decision is made to commit, to 'get serious' as it were. And the expectations level is a complete lie from the first pop: love is not s
