I am 37 years old and have never been skinny dipping. While most would consider this a rite of passage, I grew up thinking it was at the top of the taboo list. My mother's diagnosis was Paranoia, which meant that everyone was out to get her and everything was bad. More than likely, she had also been molested. I suppose we will never know for sure, but anything that had to do with normal human sexuality was placed in a dim light of doubt and uncertainty. The thought of tossing my clothes on the ground and diving in with nothing on but a smile would have been completely unheard of. I grew up, and although my mind would tell me that she was misguided and ill, there was always a nagging at my conscience that prevented me from opening up. As a result, I have spent most of my life as a rule follower, a do-gooder, prudish. Always thinking of the consequence before the action and never taking a risk of embarassment or chastisment.
My husband is an assistant superintendant for a construction company that builds apartment complexes. He is moved from town to town as the jobs start and finish, coming home only on weekends to crash and refuel. This weekend however, he had to stay on sight and called to say he would not be coming home. I've missed him and asked if it would be alright for me to come visit him. I left the kids home with family and drove 3 hours to his "home away from home", a half finished 11 building complex with a finished club house and pool. Saturday night the moon was red and large. I looked at the pool, lit up enough to see small ripples running thru it's length. It quietly waited, shifting and humming. My husband had joked about jumping in butt naked on many occasions. We passed by the gate and and overwhelming calm came over me. "Do you think anyone would see if we went skinny dipping?" I asked. "I've never been" We walked to the edge of the pool and my husband turned to put something down. There was a look of surprise on his face when he turned around and saw me already stripped down and dipping my toe in. "nope, you gotta jump in." he said. "that's the best part". My courage started to fade. To slide into the water was one thing but to jump right in, carefree, that was another. "I'll do it with you" he said. "One, two, three!"
The instant my body hit the water, I felt something I'd never experienced before. I floated on my back, looking at the stars. I felt peace. I know it sounds funny, but all my life, I lived on edge, waiting for the other shoe to fall, wondering what calamatous event would befall me next. They used to give personality test to us in high school. Mine always came back labeled "You are a worrier. Even when there is nothing to worry about, you worry why that is." I'm not the greatest swimmer but I glided thru the pool with little effort. What surprised me the most is that the act was not sexual like I thought it would be. It was liberating. It was about being okay for the first time. I was okay with my life, with my mind, with my body. I wasn't looking at myself and seeing flaws and faults. I felt freedom.
As we walked back to our room, my husband looked at me. "I've never seen you look more alive." He's not the poetic, sentimental type so his comment had meaning. "I'm so glad you had a good time." I smiled. Maybe it was the moon, or the fact that I'm beginning to feel my age, or thinking about time lost, but that night, I lost my inhibitions. I broke the rules........And it was heaven.
