I remember being about 6 years old tied to a tea service cart on my neighbors patio. I had followed my brother and his friend because i wanted someone to play with. They found a way to ditch me. Another day they decide they'd play with me and chased me back to my room. They were trying to remove my panties. I remember knowing that with pants on you can spread your legs making it almost impossible to remove the pants but, i was wearing a dress. [i still have trouble wearing desses] My brother held my arms. His friend pulled my panties off my wildly flinging legs. My brother held my arms as his friend slid his finger inside my little pussy. He laughed and said "hey look its wet" as he held his finger high in front of my crying eyes for my brother to see.
I remember being afraid to shut my door at night. I remember that under the bed was not where the boogie man lived. I remember that the bathroom needed to be locked but a bobby pin would let anyone in.
I remember sitting on the steps of Johnnie's house around the corner and asking the older girl "what exactly is sex." My girlfriends and I were about 11 and she was 13. She told us that was when the man's penis got hard and went inside the hole where we went to the bathroom. i said "Oh that's what my dad and brother do to me." My friends and she all turned scowling and said "No dads and brothers don't do that to you!!" "Oh OK" i said.
I walked home wondering why i said that. After all, "Dads and brothers don't do that"
I remember my friend and i going to my house to play and my dad came home drunk. He grabbed me and started to kiss on my face. I pulled away embarrassed and ashamed to have him behave that way in front of my friend. He became angry and forced me to kiss him. He grabbed my breast and told me never to pull away from him again. I wriggled and ducked and ran to the kitchen grabbing the biggest knife i could find. I tried to stab my father. I wanted to show my friend that this wasn't my fault. I wanted her to see that this wasn't accepted in my house. She ran. She told her mother everything and wasn't allowed to visit me anymore.
I had just turned 14 and went to my best friend’s 15th birthday party. It was a slumber party and all the girls were talking about smoking, smoking pot, snorting coke, kissing boys, making out, going to first or second base. I remember feeling so left out. I didn’t have any experience. I was always the young one in my class and painfully shy. I didn’t have good social skills but knew how to hang with the popular crowd. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to smoke pot. The next day three of us went to the beach as usual. We were lucky and we arranged mom rides and didn’t have to ride our bikes. I was still feeling pretty left out while my friends were chatting away about setting one or the other up with some guy. I was bummed no one ever talked about setting me up with someone. I like the guy too after all. So there I am watching this surfer as he’s coming up from the water. He’s really cute; long, blond hair, abalone shell pendent on a hemp rope around his neck, broad freckled chest, deeply tanned, deep muscled tummy, little string of hair leading into his fallen board shorts. As he gets closer, I can see his white teeth as he smiles at me. I can’t stop staring into to his blue eyes. I finally realize that he’s staring back at me. He’s coming toward me. He’s not paying attention to the other girls. So, if I look at him he will come to me, I discovered. I didn’t stop looking. He sat at the edge of the towel and said hello. He made some small talk. He told me he had an apartment nearby and asked if my friends and I would like to come over and smoke some weed. I was so excited and jumped to ask my friends. They nonchalantly said no. Oh come on this was my chance to be cool, to smoke pot, to catch up with everyone and they were going to say no. I could have cried. But, the guy said hey you can still come over without your friends. Well this girl jumped up and announced to her pals that she was going to go smoke some pot and she’d see them later. On the way to his apartment, he asked how old I was. When I told him I was 14, he said “oh I was hoping to get some” with the worst sound of disappointment in his voice. So, I said “you still could, couldn’t you?” His smile returned and he said “You better not tell your mother or I could get in a whole lot of trouble.” “So could I” I said.
And with that I went to his apartment up the stairs. There were other guys there. The guy I came with had me sit on his lap as they talked. He held the joint to my lips and I puffed on it as I had with my first cigarette the night before. He instructed me to hold it in and kissed me on the lips to ensure that I did. A short time later, the house was empty except for us. He kissed me again and when I kissed back, I made a silly smacking noise. He told me that he need to show me how to kiss and that I should come to his room.
He lay me on a Indian madras bedspread and began kissing my neck he removed my top and kissed my young developed breasts. He complemented my bathing suit and seemed impressed that I had made it myself; especially that it buttoned on the sides and was so easy for him to remove. He kissed my stomach and I stroked his smooth blond hair as his head buried between my thighs
Then he was above me and I wondered what had happened. He looked odd. His face was red. He was out of breath. He rolled off me and I figured that he was done. I must have passed out. I asked him if I was any good. He told me it is usually better when the girl moves some. I got dressed. I felt a bit messy and asked to use his bathroom.
I was walking back to my friends when I ran into them on the sidewalk. They were frantic and said that the designated mom was waiting at the market and getting pissed and I’d better hurry up. They never asked what happened and I never told.
So, i know for sure that by this age i've definitely lost my virginity, i just don't remember it. But, like i said in the pm, i've been through this story over and over and i'm over and over it.
The mind is a wonderful instrument and while i sure wish i had its full capacity, i trust its judgement to spare me of the painful sorrows of the past. I live life for today. I deal with my brother and my father as they treat me today. I am not a victim anymore.
I'm a happy owned slut ; )
