• Lucytorial said on Jun 13, 2008....

  Well thank fucking god someone screamed at you! she's right, don't talk to him, if he wants to talk to the girls hand the phone over.  Unless you need to talk to him don't!
  
  Now for the party! yay!!!! congrats, now maybe you can move forward honey and start living your life properly and not out fear! you're doing okay so keep doing.
  

• Fallyn said on Jun 13, 2008....

  i'm doing good. and i'm improving. but there's still a long way to go in my own learning and healing.
  
  i realize that...and i was prepared that she was going to yell at me......so it didn't come as a shock or anything....i know i haven't been perfect.
  

• Lucytorial said on Jun 13, 2008....

  no one is, lifes a constant lesson, in trying to be the best person we can people see that and it gets more kudos than someone picking a fight from no where for the sake of it.

• Fallyn said on Jun 13, 2008....

  the judge basically told him he was an idiot and making life more difficult for me and the kids for his own gain

• Lucytorial said on Jun 13, 2008....

  Why are men so stupid! its like this little switch inside them that when they get divorced it turns on and they become total assholes, not all of them mind you just a few.... thank god some people can see past it! glad the judge gave him a serve, it wouldn't have helped the kids at all being uprooted again just to satisfy his ego.

• phoeby said on Jun 13, 2008....

  i don't get why you can't speak civilly to your ex. especially when there are kids involved. how dare she yell at you for trying to keep things reasonable and positive. ask the solicitor, would the kids rather you and him get along ok? or scream and yell at each other? that is, what is better from a child's perspective (and your own peace of mind)... peace or hostility? 
  
  
  that just irks me beyond belief. how people can 'encourage' other people to fight and to hate and to make things hard and difficult.
  
  
  why can't you have a civil and positive relationship with your ex? it's possible. i know it is bec i have one.
  
  
  we are even good friends. and i know other people who have great relationships with their ex. 
  
  
  anyway, fallyn.... i'm glad all this legal thing turned out in your favour. it's such a shame that things go down this track, but when they do, it's all you can do just to stay centred and ok.
  
  
  ((hugs))
  
  
  love Phoeby

• secretlife said on Jun 13, 2008....

  thank goodness the judge could see thru his ploy for what it really was.
   
  i think it was good that the judge gave you clear instructions on what was serious and what you have to do better with.  now it's up to you to keep on improving and working on those weaknesses that you know you have.  you join the ranks of the rest of us parents --- who get no instruction guides with our children, and often have to fumble along.  it's the hardest job fallyn- being a mother. 
   
  congratulations.

• Wish_Upon_A_Star said on Jun 13, 2008....

  Congratulations on winning. Good luck on healing and recognizing that some people just suck...
  
  
  

• Lucytorial said on Jun 13, 2008....

  Phoeby ~ Fallyn's ex doesn't talk civilly to her, you cannot talk civilly to someone who behaves like an idiot, its impossible.  My sister struggles with this with her ex husband as well, sometimes its best to not say a thing than to even try with someone like that.

• vacantmind said on Jun 13, 2008....

  Yay for Fallyn and her girls!

  Well, this is behind you again. Hope that gives you a little bit of room to breathe. When you are on the phone with your ex, realize he has one goal...to take his girls. Now, from your prospective this is horrible but, for the girls this shows them that daddy loves them and will fight for them. Just understand that it is his purpose and he feels justified in doing it.

  Write down what the judge said and make a plan of action to correct those issues. Some you might be able to change right away and others it might be easier to take little steps. Just don't let them slip by you.

  Congratulations on your win!

• Fallyn said on Jun 13, 2008....

  phoeby....i'm not supposed to talk to him at ALL......he's scary manipulative......and i know he does it when i'm looking for it...but i let my guard down and then something like this happens.
  
  secret....he told me he wasn't expecting perfection.....just that there were areas that there should be a lot of improvement on.
  
  wish...thankyou *HUGS*
  
  lucy.....oh it's not even that he's not civil....he can have a golden tongue when he wants to.....that's the problem. i end up telling him stuff i shouldn't.
  my lawyer is worried that i'm going to end up back with him.
  NOT gonna happen in a million years....but i don't have a great track record before this......i went back to him 4 times before i got the point.
  
  vacant...the stuff to change is going to have to wait till school starts again for the most part.
  

• hotaka said on Jun 13, 2008....

  
  

• hotaka said on Jun 13, 2008....

  Hey, I was typing the tag. I wasn't ready to have my comment posted yet. It wasn't even typed!
  
  Well, fallyn, it's good you won and I can understand that the judge may have had a few stern words for you. Your lawyer should have been a little more professional I think. As for talking civilly to "him" when he calls I can understand that too. I would do the same. But your lawyer is probably right that you should be careful what you say. I know you don't want to become a bitch when he calls. That's not good for the girls to see or hear either. And you shouldn't get to the point where receiving his calls makes you feel anxious and wondering how to respond and then just getting angry. But probably keep your part of the conversation short.
  

• botoni said on Jun 13, 2008....

  Fallyn, I know the sort of person your ex seems to be. He'll cajole you into innocently giving him information that he can use against you. It's my opinion that you would be better off just to speak in a civil manner but volunteer no information AT ALL. Just be polite and avoid conversation with him.

• Fallyn said on Jun 13, 2008....

  hotaka....i'm supposed to just hand the phone over to the girls and not say anything more than hello...but that's difficult. except for the relationship stuff we got along pretty well right up until he took the girls.
  
  botoni....exactly.
  that's the hard part....and i end up saying stuff to him trying to impress him that we're doing well...and he turns it around on us.
  i just really need to take peoples advice and not say anything...but it's hard to have to talk to him on the phone every day practically when he calls and not say anything.
  

• RollingC said on Jun 14, 2008....

  If he's that kind of a jerk then you have to learn to say nice things but stay on a superficial level that's all.  Make sure you say those nice things in front of witnesses so if he tries to turn that around on you it'll blow up in his face.
   
  I'm glad that things turned out good for you and don't let anything dampen your will or spirit for a bright future with your daughters.    
  :^)
  Rc

• polarheart said on Jun 14, 2008....

  Fallyn, I am very happy for you.  Dont feel bad about yourself, you can do this!  I understand what you mean about easily being "trusting", I am that way too.  I have constantly keep myself reigned in so that I can keep control, because I'm far too accepting sometimes.  You have a good heart and your nature is one of peace.  It doesn't mean you have to be nasty, but just watch your Ps and Qs with him.
   
  Now come here and let me give you a (((((((((((BIG HUG)))))))))
   
  Lots of love
  Polar

• lfbno7 said on Jun 14, 2008....

  I think your lawyer thinks you are very thick and just don't get it. That would explain the yelling. Trying to get through that thick head of yours. Trying to get through it with volume and intensity, like a sledgehammer banging against an impenetrable barrier, your head. Do you think that is the way the lawyer sees it?
  
  It's like your lawyer sees you falling into traps that you shouldn't be falling into, regarding conversations with your ex. The lawyer knows how to handle your ex. By just having nothing to do with him. Not giving him any fuel to ignite. Do you think this is the best way to handle your ex?
  
  The lawyer seems frustrated that you don't get it. Thus, the yelling. Crash through your thick head somehow and teach you to stop falling into traps.
  
  I'm excellent at freezing people out. I can hold a freezing cold grudge for decades. You just don't exist. You're not in my universe. You are scum. That is what I can project to people for their whole lives. Your ex wouldn't get to first base trying to get at me. I can easily handle pricks like that. They have no way in, nothing on me, nothing they can do to me, nothing they can threaten me with, they are helpless to get at me. But you can't, so your lawyer is trying to fix that. At least that is the impression I get from the way you expressed yourself in your post.
  
  It's a toughness issue, a strength issue, a vulnerability issue. Maybe you need to make yourself less vulnerable. Toughen that skin. Use hatred. Hatred is good sometimes. It can give you independence and invulnerability. I'm great at hatred. You don't have to yell. You just have to be strong from within and hate the person. It's easy. Then you don't fuck up. Just freeze their ass out, don't converse. No fuel, no fire. When they open a conversation, just put someone else on, that's all. It's easy.
  
  I can also see why Rolling C's comment appears so many times. Soulcast is extremely slow now, and Rolling C thought that nothing was happening, and so kept trying.

• mom said on Jun 14, 2008....

  Ok, I don't know the whole story, I don't have to.  He sounds like an ex that I have and that is good enough for me.  Congrats on your victory!

• RollingC said on Jun 14, 2008....

  For some reason my P/C has been having these weird hiccups lately.  I'm thinking of shooting it and putting it out of it's misery.

  Please feel free to delete any excess comments.

  Thank you

  Rc

• travelr712 said on Jun 14, 2008....

  well congratulations hon, i'm glad you won your case. i know you'll get this figured out.

• uniquely-ironic said on Jun 14, 2008....

  yay!!!  I had a gut feeling the judge might see this for what it was. 

   

  As for talking civilly to your ex.  This is a lesson I learned after having my ass handed to me a couple of times early on.  I think the thing to keep in mind when talking to your ex is "is anything I'm saying going to come back to bite me?".

  In my case I've learned that the less I say, the less I have to worry.  Talk to your friends and family.  They love you and will not use your words against you.

• I'mNotHungry said on Jun 14, 2008....

  Fallyn,

  I've been away this week and I'm just reading your post.  I'm so happy for you and your girls.  You are a good mother and you are *mothering* your girls the best way you can, with love and security.

  Being a parent is so hard - and I'm sure having a manipulative ass for an ex isn't making things any easier (that's something I can't relate too)

  Keep on keepin' on girl! (that just sounded better than the 20 other cheesy metaphors going through my head) :-)

  Take care - H.

• Fallyn said on Jun 14, 2008....

  rolling c....well....i'm taking my lawyers advice and not talking to him at all. i can't afford to lose her.
  
  thankyou so much polar~! *HUGS*
  
  iffy...i'm extremely bad at holding grudges......to hold a grudge i have to hold the memories.....and i hate the memories so i try to erase them. ....and that leads to forgetting all the crap he did that made him so horrible
  and yes......i'm sure that's exactly my lawyers point. that i'm not getting it....and i can see it.....even though i don't feel it. i have to bring up all those memories to hate him....and that's too painful.
  
  mom! thankyou!!!!!!!! it was a long hard battle the first time...and this was just a little aftershock.
  
  trav thankyou ! *HUGS*
  
  UI...exactly....i guess i'm learning that i don't need his approval...not sure why it still feels like i do. *frown* part of getting better i guess.
  
  hungry....*grin* that's the thing with sayings........it's hard to find a good one. ....but that one works. and is the plan. thankyou hun
  

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