So I got up again this morning, and walked my dogs. This is really hard for me, because my Grandmother and I always used to have a cup of tea and give the dogs a little tea as well, and chat about this and that. When I got home this morning, I felt the pain crashing over me like a tsunami, and I've been crying ever since.

I think that while I know she's dead and forever gone from this world, a part of me just cannot accept it. I think that's my biggest problem - acceptance. She was always so well, and strong, and every doctor who ever saw her (and that was rare) used to say 'Oh my God - she's amazing - she'll live to 110. When I took her to the doctor in February because she was feeling really tired, and they did the tests, I wasn't expecting anything serious. I can still remember her laughing and smiling in the doctor's office.

When the doctor called me aside the following day, I wasn't expecting anything really bad. I thought, maybe thyroid playing up, or blood pressure - something small. When he started saying 'myeloma - bone marrow cancer' I saw the room spin. I nearly passed out. And from there everything went downhill very quickly. And all of a sudden this person who was always so healthy, and expected to live at least another couple of years was just gone.

And right now, I just  can't bear it. I know, I know. This is a road we all walk. It's not a case of 'why me?', it's a case of 'why not me?'. I've battled depression all my life, and in the last couple of years it just vanished. I suddenly found myself waking up and wanting to live. My grandmother - her persistence, and unconditional love was the reason. And now the reason has gone, and I'm supposed to learn to be happy alone. I don't know how. I just don't know how.