• phoeby said on Jun 13, 2008....

  hey sweetie, after reading you're other post about meeting you're parents, i completely understand why you would be experiencing these conflicting feelings and the fears about showing your love to someone. it's completely understandable  you'd be terrified of that. and i can feel you're distress and loneliness.
  
  
  you can get through this.. you know? you also sound like you have a very sensitive side to you. inside. but it's not safe yet for you to let it show, maybe.
  
  
  keep writing, you never know how much it might help you with those feelings. those really really raw and sensitive feelings.
  
  
  love phoeby  

• botoni said on Jun 13, 2008....

  Boi, you are experience a huge dose of fear.  As Phoeby says, you have revealed some of your history here, and it's very clear why you would be afraid to love and allow yourself to be loved.  Loving is never safe.  It will always lead to pain.  BUT the rewards when you learn to let it happen far out weigh the pain by a 1000%.  Somewhere out there there is a loving soul who will see past your walls of self protection and your fear.  That person will love you in a manner you think is impossible.  Trust and try.  It will happen.

  Grandpa Gay.

• lionesss said on Jun 13, 2008....

  when you start to love someone you are never going to know just what is around the corner ,give it a try you never know xx

• Me-Myself&I said on Jun 13, 2008....

  no you don't....want to die. no you're not....that guy!

• naturalboi said on Jun 13, 2008....

  Hey, I posted this drivel right after I got home from a night of serious drinking.  I don't drink all that often and I can't remember when was the last time I was actually drunk.  Being drunk is so freakin' not cool.  I can't even remember why I went out last night, it was totally unplanned  So, there  was a lot of 'that's just the booze talking' involved in the writing of this post.  When I woke up this morning I was  going to delete it thinking that no one would have feakin' read it anyway, but there were already comments so I left it.

  phoeby,  Hey, thanks for your comments.  Yeah I might just be afraid, but I think it goes deeper than that.  I really have some freakin' serious self image issues.  Most people won't see that though because I can freakin' play the game, put on a show.

  botoni, So here is where it is for me at the moment.  I want to be able to love you without letting you love me.  I want to give you all that there is without letting you give me anything at all. Because you see, if I let you give me something, anything, I have to let you in at least a little.  Not gonna happen!  Giving is  a piece of cake, I can do that all day long.  Freakin recieving is tough, real tough.

  lioness,  Oh, I can love you, just don't you dare try to freakin' love me.

  Me-Myself&I,  You're right, that was the booze talking.  I don't want to die.  That will come along naturally enough; soon enough.  But yes, I am that guy.   I'm already busy building walls in here to protect myself from a bunch of people I'll never meet.  Yeah, I'm that guy.  For real!

  love nature and stay cool

• botoni said on Jun 13, 2008....

  Boi......You goofed!  Some of us here already love you.  I know that's dirty talk to you but it's the reality of it.  An occasional drunk isnt gonna hurt ya and if you got a decent hangover it'll just help you think seriously about it next time you want to guzzle a little to much.

• hotaka said on Jun 14, 2008....

  This is the first post of yours I have read. I am just trying to see what is up. It sounded like you were writing this for someone else. Well, unless you know how to let loose your feelings and open up you are going to sit behind your wall. As for getting hurt, having a broken heart, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. We are all a little messed up on the inside. But most of us hobble along with bandaged hearts and try again. It beats sitting behind a wall, crying out for love that you'll deny yourself.

• phoeby said on Jun 14, 2008....

  re: you're comments to me up above..just be you, ok. i bet you're a really cool person. you know something else? horrid childhoods (eventually) can sometimes be the hugest gifts in their own weird ways. you sound to me like someone who has a lot of character and strength too.
  
  
  love phoeby 

• Me-Myself&I said on Jun 14, 2008....

  i know all about buiding walls! been there....doing that too! have a good day. take care ~see ya

• lionesss said on Jun 14, 2008....

  hello,,, sometimes we hide behinde a big wall and try to not to get hurt, and unfortunatly we have along the way throughout childhood, so what maybe by coming from behinde the wall bit by bit you will find what your looking for.but until you take that step you wont know.when you write your soooo funny and make me laff and who ever you find they will see the fun side in you ...

• pusscat said on Jun 15, 2008....

  Hey there boi - how're doing today friend.
   
  I been thinking about this post a couple a days now cos I like you and it troubled me.  In fact I actually found that it jurt to see that this was how you felt and how you lived your life.  Then it hit me.  that's exactly it.  By giving all you have to someone - heart, soul, gifts, words but then not letting them give anything back to you, you are gonna tear them apart honey.  You will love someone and you will see them crumble before you bit by bit.  Because if they love you boi you can't actually stop that from behind your wall.  Do you see?  If someone really falls in love with you, yoou can't stop them having those feelings but, to watch them love you and you give and give and give and not let them give back, you are gonna do to them what you are afraid of happening to you friend.
   
  I can only imagine what your life has dealt you to make you want that wall as your crutch.  I've seen some shit and boy, have been in the middle of it - covered from head to toe in soul destroying, self esteem destroying, self confidence destroying shit.  The shit that makes you go out in your car with packets of painkillers, not worrying about the petrol guage cos there's not supposed to be a return trip.  But I had to let someone in at some point or my own loneliness would have imploded boi.  AM I GLAD I DID.  The joy DOES outway the fear boi.  The laughter will outway the tears.  Fear is one of the strongest emotions we have.  It's good - it keeps us safe it gives us our instincts.  But you know what's coming now don't you?  Love is one mighty powerful one too.  strong enough to hold off many fears.  I hope one day you can come from behind your wall.  Like lioness said, you don't have to do in one go - just take a couple bricks out every now and then, take a peak and see how you feel.   You can always save th bricks in case you wanna put some back eh.......
   
  Trying to be cool but always loving nature
   
  pusscat

• bodyandsoul said on Jun 25, 2008....

  Oh, you should never think like that.

• anonymous said on Jun 28, 2008....

  shoot yourself queerbait

• pusscat said on Jun 28, 2008....

  Aaww - will ya jes lewk at thaaht y'all.

  I was just saying the other day to some dear friends of mine, I almost miss seeing comments from Fucktards - and well, my patience has been rewarded :-)  Here's one right now.

  Hi anon - I know it must be real hard work being a Fucktard all the time but I am really pleased you came along and rewarded my (in very short supply) patience.

  Hi naturalboi - when ya gonna make me smile my friend with another one of your brill posts?  I do find it strange that, when I decide to call someone a fucktard, twat, little piss-ant, dickhead, I don't think I've ever done it without ensuring the name pusscat is right there where anyone can see it. Anon?  Nah, that's for chickenshits

   

  xx

• anonymous said on Jun 28, 2008....

  pusscat  who are you     your still anonymous    killyourself

• pusscat said on Jun 29, 2008....

  hello anonymous - My name is Deana and I live in Lincolnshire, England - is that any good for you?

  I could never kill myself honey cos I'm having far too much fun with life.  I love life and it loves me.  I have a wonderful group of friends, near and far and one the finest families you could ask for.  Not much money but, hey, that's not everything in life.  But life sounds like something you're not having much luck with are you?  Someone who loves life and who is having fun and laughter does not go round advising people to kill themselves.  You obviously don't value the wonder that is life and I really feel for you. 

  I am not going to tell you to go and kill yourself cos is sounds like you're already dead inside my friend.  My heart goes out to.

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