I want to say something in my defense dammit! I make fun of my husband, yes it's true but I have good reason!
Since we have been married, he has been the cause of many, I am reluctant to use the term, accidents that has befallen me and poor little woodland creatures.
For one, he broke my front tooth, yes he did. He elbowed me in the mouth when I was trying to get away. He says he didn't mean to but I think he did it cause he could.
two- he almost broke my nose, he shoved me and my head hit the stove hood, I still remember hearing the crunch. He called the hospital, giggling while telling the hospital staff, he thinks he broke his wife's nose. I laid on the couch looking like Rocky Marciano. Again he says it was an ACCIDENT!
third- he pees with the door open and then refuses to flush the toilet! Well he doesn't say that is an accident, nope he does it on purpose.
fourth- I have had the lining replaced inside my nose 3 times by 3 different proctologists all because his gas is corosive.
fifth- he wears my spandex, well I don't wear them anymore, I don't have the body for it. But he used to wear them when I had some and ruined them.
sixth- I have had to sit by and watch him try to nurse our children, I think he wanted me out of the picture. Good thing they weren't fooled.
seventh- he told me he was sterile
eighth- he told me those open sores oozing on his woofer was acne
ninth- he has told me that if I get behind the car, he can see better backing out.
tenth- He tells me I am lovely and then asks for his glasses.
eleventh- He is responsible for the death of my little parakeet, petey. I trained that little bird to hop, hop, hop out of its cage and sit on my finger. I loved that little bird, he would climb on my shoulder and climb through my hair, usually taking a crap somewhere along the way. It seemed to be ok as long as i combed it through. And Really, bird crap doesn't smell, but it has a distinct taste to it, yuck.
Well he took little Petey out of his cage and was holding him. The birdies were chirping outside and the sun was shining. Our cat that I have always hated who is dead now, came wandering by and my husband thought, "Oh look they can be friends." He let that stupid cat closer and the cat pounced on Petey. Well duh! Then later when he told me, he said he didn't think the cat would lunge for the bird. I said, "Hello! This is not Tom and Jerry, stupid."
Petey didn't die then but he was traumitized from then on out. He would stay in his cage and shake. If I tried to take him out he just shook and would bite me. When we moved, I guess it was too much for Petey. I found him hanging upside down on his perch in a satanic manner, dead. Just like someone had flipped that bird. Goodbye Petey, you will always be a sacred memory.
twelvth- If he thinks there are rodents outside he will take his .44 magnum and shoot them, even if there are babies. He has taught my son to do this too. It breaks my heart, it reminds me of Gary Gilmore and his sons.
thirteenth- We had a baby opposum down in our basement and he beat it up with a broom. The poor thing was scared, and if that wasn't bad enough he threw it outside and our dogs got it.
fourteenth- sometmes we get raccoons, one night he came home, there was a huge one on our porch and he punched it. It rolled down our stairs hissed as if to say, "I'll get you sucka!"
fifteenth- I am so tired of hearing, "Sorry honey, I was aiming for the other hole!"
Please if you see this man at the zoo, take your children and RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So if I want to have a little fun, to balance out my dismal life, then dammit I am going to do it! And yes at his expense cause I like my kids.
