I have been thinking a lot about my desires to be dominated. I wonder how much my Catholic schooling has to do with it. I went to the same school with the same core group of twenty to twenty five kids from kindergarten through eighth grade, and then with about four to eight of that group through ninth grade. I was not a popular child, but not shunned either. When I think back on it I consider myself to have been a loner for the most part, with two or three "close" friends. By close I mean who knew about my father's denial of being my father, my mother's verbal and physical abuse, and my stepfather's alcoholism.
We all made our First Penance, First Communion and Confirmation together. Not because we consciously wanted to make these sacraments, but because we were told it was time to do so. We were taught to do as we were told, and when we attempted to think for ourselves that was quickly crushed. A few of us read in the Bible that Jesus refered to specific individuals as his brothers and sisters. We were told this was not the case, Mary was a virgin and Christ her only son. We learned to say "Yes Sister So -and So."
I remember real fear before going to Confession at least twice yearly. At that time the Church was experimenting with face to face, same room and such. I longed for the anonimity of the Confessionalbooth, but at the same time I knew Father Fred and Monsignor W. knew my voice, they knew it was me and now they knew the horrible things I'd done. For days beforehand I'd worry about what sins I would confess to, oh yeah and that I'd mess up the ritual by saying the wrong prayer at the wrong time. I'd worry over what my penance would be. If it was more than my classmates I must be very naughty, if it was less I was a goodie goodie, or worse, I'd lied/or omitted sins.
As an adult I've broken my mother's heart, (yes she still has such power over me) I stopped my children's religious education after they had all made their Communion. I feel that I was way too young to be Confirmed when I was, so I gave them a base to build on when they get older if they choose to join the church. I actually feel guilty about this.
