I really feel like I am losing it. Hubby wants me to plan more. We are having a hard time being in sync the past few weekends. Part of it has to do with all the extra stressors we have added to our lives lately. We decided we needed to be in shape so we joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. For him to get in a session we have to do it on Saturday, which left him really sore...too sore to do anything else. Then there is IVF which is all about planning.
I am rebelling against the planning of my everyday life. I like that I can just up and go when I feel the need. It just feels like everything else in my life is being planned and out of my control to some degree.
I went to the IVF clinic on Friday and she gave me a possible plan for my IVF cycle. Not the actual plan but the plan to plan the cycle. Seriously! That is if we want to go forward in July/August. The retrieval and transfer would be done in mid-August.
Hubby is telling me how I would feel better and the house would run smoother if I planned better. I have four teenagers! Making plans for myself is a bit of a joke. Forcing the issue with the kids usually results in threats to move or the police being called. Though the first one really isn't a threat to me anymore because I am kind of sick of hearing it. I tell them to go ahead, call your father! I could use a break from their drama.
There is too much planning go on right now. Too much baby talk. I haven't even started taking my meds yet! I can't allow myself to get wrapped up in baby world. There is the possibility this won't work. I will plan away when I have a positive pregnancy test.
Right now, I just want to look at today. I want to move forward in this moment. Looking at the possibilities beyone this moment...it scares me. I have seen his desire to have children grow from nothing to a must in a matter of a few weeks. What if I can't give that to him? After ten years of marriage...could this destroy us? Is it even fair of me to keep him from that?
I know there is other alternatives. He wants his biological child. IVF is expensive and it won't be long before we have drained the savings for this. What is left when the money has ran dry except to find someone who can fulfill your dreams?
I want to live in this moment. This moment...everything is clear. I know what it holds and what is expected of me. I know that I can't be asked to do more than what is possible right now. When that moment comes...I will deal with it then. I don't want to mull it over in my head a thousand times and still come up empty.
Sorry for the ramble.
