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My meeting with my therapist

I'mNotHungry posted on Jun 06, 2008 | views: 1127 | Tags: comfort me, hold me, Insecurity, selflessness, 1st step, comfort me reason, masochism, guilt, self-loathing

 

I sit in her office, overcome with emotion, tears are streaming down my face, and I am unable to look at her.

“What do you need right now?”, she asks me.

I desperately want her to hold me as though I am a child, stroke my hair and tell me everything will be okay. That someday I will be ok.

I can't say it.  Instead, I sit, silently crying, listening to the voice inside of me that is begging me to ask for a hug, and I can't do it.  My mouth won't form the words, my voice is lost.....

“Look at me.” She tells me, “When I see you hurting like this, I want to sit next to you, put my arm around you, and hold you and comfort you.”

The little girl screams inside of me, “That’s what I want too!  Say it!  Tell her!” But I can’t say it.  I say nothing.  And I know it's because it will hurt, and I'm scared that one day I will need her and she won't be there, and I sometimes feel undeserving.   I’m scared. And so I sit, unable to talk, unable to ask for anything that I need, suffering in silence, because it's safer. 

“You can’t say it because of the fear you hold inside.  You can’t let yourself be comforted by me because you are scared that you will “need” me.  You can’t say it because you are scared to let go of the control, to lean into someone else and let someone else be here for you. I understand that. And I'll wait.  And when you're ready, I'll be here.  And I'll be here for you when I can be and when you need me.” She whispers to me.

I hear her, and I know she is right, and yet still I can’t say it.  And later, when I pull myself together 15 minutes after my allotted time has ended, I leave her office, and the regret sets in.

And thhat's when I listen to the internal voice as she tells me that I'm a stupid baby - and that I deserve nothing and that's why I can't say it.  That I'll always be lonely, and alone, and undeserving. 

That's why I sit here crying, alone, unable to cry in front of anyone, except her.

That's why I sit here fighting the urge to shove my fingers down my throat, or grab a razor, or a pair of scissors. 

That's why I can write my feelings when I am staring at a computer screen, but am unable to find my voice or look at her when I’m with her.

That's why I want to stop breathing.

That's why I want to disappear.

That's why I want to be invisible.

That's why I only *hear* the little scared girl inside of me, but I can't be her voice.

That's why I'm a failure.

That's why I'm not worthy.

That's why I hate myself.

I want so much for her to hold me, to comfort the little girl inside of me who never had that experience, and I don’t say it, I suffer in silence, knowing that she cares, knowing that she will comfort me, if only I ask her too, and yet I can’t.



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Comments

  • wombat said on Jun 06, 2008....
    Hey--you are not a stupid baby....you have "touched" your therapist, and she wants to help you, and she will probably do her best.  But, (as one who has been there and done that) it is not the therapist who is the answer---but the therapist who can give you the answers.   I had a male therapist, and I leaned on him as if he was the one who was going to solve all my problems.  He didn't--but he made me solve my own.  I hate to be blunt about it, and scared to death that I will hurt your feelings, but the answers lie in yourself.  Please work toward that day when you can just say to hell with what others have done to you--you are strong and you can bypass the misery they have created for you without cause.  You are someone special---and you will one day find that you are special because you found a way to live with the pain and know they can't hurt you any longer--because you are better than that.
     
    Love and hugs
    wombat
  • pickersplock said on Jun 06, 2008....
    Hey, I think you should make a copy of this, and take it with you next time.
    Or you could mail it to her before?
    What do you think?
  • quietone said on Jun 06, 2008....
    oh, pickers what a good idea!  how bout that hungry, can you give a note to your therapist?  Your mouth can't find the words, but your pen has.....
  • I'mNotHungry said on Jun 06, 2008....

    Pickers, This happened yesterday - I emailed this to her last night - almost word for word.

    Wombat, Nothing you could ever say to me could hurt me nearly as bad as I've hurt myself.  So don't worry about that.  I KNOW the answers are in me, and I KNOW I'm the only one can heal me, with her help, of course.  And I try, and I try.  And I often take one step up and 2 steps back.  But I'm still breathing -  What's really hard, is when you hear something for 20 years, it becomes ingrained in your mind, and it's difficult to overcome that.  Ya know?

  • quietone said on Jun 06, 2008....
    hungry, I was commenting the same time as you.. yes, I also know about those tapes in your head that play over and over.. but, as well, we are the only one that can change them.
  • wombat said on Jun 06, 2008....
    You are still breathing.  That's one major step, believe me.  I almost checked out a few times.  One of the biggest lessons in life is that if you stick around, things might change.  And even if you don't believe it now-----------somehow they do.  I am living proof.
  • I'mNotHungry said on Jun 06, 2008....

    quiet, I know....
    I am trying every day to heal.  Every day I remove the bandage to see if the wound is infected or if it looks a little better.  And I do have good days, and then I have shitty days - --- just like everyone else.

    And that's why I like it here.  I have found some souls like mine, and some who used to be like mine but are now better - and I find comfort here - which I hope will lead to healing.

     

  • quietone said on Jun 06, 2008....
    hungry... look back and just see how far you have come already!  You are doing pretty good ya know?  You didn't get like this in  a day and it is going  to take a while to undo it too.  be patient and kind to yourself.. I also know that is hard to do too.
  • hotaka said on Jun 07, 2008....
    Maybe the scared adult you needs to take the little girl inside by the hand and lead her to the therapist. This is not suicide. You are not jumping off a cliff. You are stretching for the arms of a human being who obviously knows what you need and is asking you to let her give it to you. Do you know why she isn't coming to you? Because if she comes to you she will be finding that little girl and the adult you will not get stronger. But if the adult you leads the way it's a step in the right direction. If you reach out it will make you stronger. That's what she is asking for you to do. Take that step. Say what needs to be said! God helps those who help themselves. In this case you can substitute the word God for your therapist.
  • Actorguy said on Jun 07, 2008....

    When you first started writng here, Hungry, you sounded like a woman who wanted to die.  Now you sound like a woman who wants to live.  That's a gigantic step you have already made.  The little backward steps hardly count.

    "suffering in silence, because it's safer" is another delusion, but I think you already know that and so does she.  I think your e-mail will only confirm what she already knows.  She wants you to say it out loud and I think you need to.  That's another giant step, I know, but don't listen to the "I'm not strong enough", because you are.  I know that you are.

  • hotaka said on Jun 07, 2008....
    Well put, actorguy.
  • tekeriada said on Jun 07, 2008....
    Hi!

    It is not clear for me why you do not want to hug her.
    Maybe you have a good reason for that. If you could share that reason with yourself or with us, maybe it could help you somewhat.

    Is it possible that you are fighting with yourself? One side of you wants to hug and another does not?
  • Mamie said on Jun 07, 2008....

    hey H: each of these meetings brings you closer to healing all these broken little parts. Each shedding of mega-tears releases toxins that have settled into your heart from the past, so letting them out is perfect.

    Perfect too, how your therapist knows without you saying what the deal is...and that she knows you are strong enough and it is important enough for you to say it for yourself. I am glad she added that she is going to wait. Me too! I am waiting for something really special....these breakdowns and breakthroughs are progress.... they are all steps forward, even if they feel like an ebb and flow.

    YOU are doing great and YOU are so special! Keep living, keep fighting the urges to hurt your true self and one day, just wait, one day, you will find that the need to hurt yourslef has gone and you have LIVED, TRULY LIVED. Then, I will fly over and we will have a glass of wine....and we will LAUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    thats a promise. xo, M

  • vacantmind said on Jun 07, 2008....

    You emailing this to her says you are want this so badly but, you waited until you were removed from the situation. It just feels safer that way doesn't it? I sat in silence for a long time in my therapists office. It took everything I had to quite that child from screaming out. I was physically ill from being hunched over, my stomach just churned the entire time.

    I am going to give you some advice. Write her a letter about how you feel when you are in there and the regret you feel you when you leave. Write it once...no editing. Your next appt. read it to her. Don't look up from the paper until you are done and ask her not to stop you until you look up. If you can't do that then write it and drop it off with her. Then you can discuss it the next appt.

    This isn't a failure but a step in recognizing you deserve to have love and comfort from others.

  • dyingman said on Jun 07, 2008....
    Could you get a hug or whatever at the BEGINNING of the next session?
    BEFORE you need it?  Before you're feeling crummy/sad/tortured?

    "Hi doc.  Can I have that hug you offered last time?  Just for the hell of it?"

    As for maili9ng a copy of this off to her, I thought of the same thing but figured you'd have the same problem dropping it in the mail slot.
    Maybe put it in with your bills or somewhere else where someone else might accidentally mail it?  Take the trigger out of your own hands and give it to fate.

    Sorry to hear about the undeserving stuff.
    I tend to think folks who feel unworthy have properly repented for anything they might have done to feel that way.

    Is everyone else that's getting held and comforted more worthy than you?
    ALL of them?  That just can't be.
    Some of them are getting that comfort and quite frankly should be feeling rotten about themselves.

    Perhaps you can find a bit of entitlement in your mere humanity.  Perhaps in accepting this comfort you may become a strong enough person to provide similar aid to others.  Mother Theresa insisted her helpers eat when those being helped were starving explaining a helper falling down from weakness cannot be of use to others.

    Are you starving?  You're too badly needed by the world to deprive yourself of this nourishment.  You won't be taking it just for your own sake.  Those around you need what you have to offer if you can only accept the healing that will make you powerful.


    *DM
  • Fallyn said on Jun 07, 2008....
    HUNGRY!!!!!!!! *BIGGEST HUGS EVER* do you KNOW how much hope i hear in you now???

    do you know how FAR i have seen you come!
    do you know how often i think of you and smile? .....and i know how much your hurting right now....but i see you growing! and stretching....and bit by bit.....i see you walking the path.....and you're DOING it!! your doing it.

    i'm sorry, i know i get over excited sometimes. *chagrined* but really, i see you....and you are....and i KNOW it hurts...and it's scary even to grow. it's soooo frightening to take the turns in the bend and not know what's coming....only the hope that NOTHING can be as bad as what you've come from.
    and it's true. nothing can.
    you've made it this far.
    you've made it this far....and you will keep going....and you will heal and grow strong.....and turn around and help someone else climb out.
    keep the faith. you are strong. and healing....and it WILL get easier, even if it is two steps back and one forward sometimes...just keep taking the steps and it will get easier.....i've been in the depths. and it's hard, and every day you want to die.......and then one day there is a tiny speck of light....that just MAYBE might be some hope.......that's the day it starts.....and the light keeps getting brighter, and warmer.....and you grow into the light......and pretty soon you are strong....and actually walking in it...and leaving the demons and the despair further and further behind.
    don't get me wrong.....some days still suck, some days i think all hope is lost. some days i still am in tears all day. but the days between stretch longer and further........

    i know i'm rambling. but i have so much faith in you. i see how far you've already come.
    *so excited hugs*
    i know i know.....i need to work on curbing my enthusiasm. *biggest grin*
    but i can't help it.
    i'm so proud of you.


  • killingme4u said on Jun 08, 2008....

     

  • lionesss said on Jun 08, 2008....
    INH...(((((((hugs))))))))))) well you've done the hardest bit and took the 1st step to the therapist, even though you didnt get to say anything,
    it will be a hard time for you , but i think you have come this far so you have the strength to see it to the end, but you have to help yourself along the way,, you can do this xxxx

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