What do you do with the words? I have never been clever or whitty, poised in conversation or escentric. I say the words in my head but they never pass though my lips with out doubt.

 

I try not to think about my relationship with her as hard as I used to. I try to step over and ignore the cracks, old and patched, new and sharp. Analyizing never got me anywhere fast and now is a mute point. I will never fully understand why she does the things that she does. I appreciate and love her to the best of my ability.

 

I think about the hurt when I think about us at all. I think about the cheating and the disappointment. I think about how I have done everything with her that I said I would never do. To an objective point of view it just sounds like a bad situation.

 

I think that I am to much for her. I beleive that it is hard for her to even try to keep up with me. I think she gave up a long time ago. I can give you a list of things that get under my skin. Things that probably used to be cute, back when I had the energy to give my heart to her.

 

Now, standing alone I just want to be away. I am still in love with her no doubt. In just need to be away from the insanity. I need to calm the rage I feel begin to boil from the years of supression when she has friends over. It is the most unnerving feeling that I cannot mask or shield. I have never felt so out of control. This deamon come out from the underbelly of my soul and shrieks its menacing call.

 

I (in her words) cannot deal with the semi-constant substance abuse. The alcohol and the weed. I don't understand it. I have been saying that from the begining. Before meeting her, I had no idea that there were people who got high every day and weren't out on the street dying. I had no idea people smoked weed to self medicate in that fashion. I guess I was sheltered. I don't care that she drinks. What I do care about is that a parent from the bus stop asked me why she was drinking before 8 AM.

 

I hate that her substance abuse effects our relationship. I hate that she can't remember things. Even small things. Like just the other day she went down to the pool with me. She didn't want to swim, so she went back to the apartment. I asked her to please bring me down a book to read. She forgot. But when I went back updtairs, you better believe that she was playing a video game,

 

We do not spend as much time together as we used to. Even if we are home. Maybe we just don'e have anything to say. Although, I am perfectly content with laying in bed and watching TV....

 

To be continued.....