It hit me like a ton of bricks while I was steaming the wrinkles out of her white gown...my baby is grown and will be gone in 78 days. Oh, it's not a bad thing, so don't worry about it. The thing is, she is my only child. She is 18 now. She is graduating tomorrow and much like other things I have had to let go of, this just isn't easy!
It got me to thinking last night...LETTING GO....is actually one of life's big challenges, isn't it? I am ,seriously, not good at it. I am a holder-on-er. Is that wrong?
I might actually have bragged to you that I have deep, lasting relationships inside and outside my family circle.. And I do, but in truth, they are not all 'lasting'. They are meaningful. They are satisfying and yes, they take my energy and bring me joy...but they are not lasting. Hmmmm. I guess that was an illusion.
Note to self: letting go is not for sissies.
Note to self: letting go is not for sissies.
With my family and friends, I have always given the benefit of the doubt. Meaning that when one or another has moved on from my version of the relationship, I give a good account of how it is all for the best and how I am grateful for what was. The truth is, I hold grudges. I hold on to my version of the love in the relationship long after it has died. It is a relief when I finally get it. The illusion becomes too much for me to carry on my own and when I do finally let go, my life runs smoothly once more. Duh, me.
With my daughter, I am overcome with the emotion that this little joy and light of my life, is transitioning to (has in many ways already hit the road) an independent, whirlwind in her own right....I am at once proud, excited, derailed and sobbing. WTF? I was innocently steaming out the wrinkles one minute and the next I was trying so hard to stop the tears.
We did it. We raised our girl. Thank you, Lord.
She is divine. She is smart, funny, pretty, compassionate. She is a great friend to her people and so polite to mine. She laughs easily and she takes stock of where she is in her life....makes decisions and sticks by herself with confidence. She was mine though, ya know? Or was that another of my illusions? Maybe, just maybe she was always of this world, cast into this universe as a source of love and joy for me and for others. Maybe, I only thought she was mine. Letting go is so damn hard.
How about you? What do you have to let go of? Do you find that sometimes, it was all an illusion? ....a story you told yourself to get by for a while?...Or is this a life skill that I forgot to recognize as a necessary thing in my journey? How do you manage the hard part...of letting go?
thanks so much and love, love, love,
Mamie
