Who am I? I know I'm not *this*, so why can't I dig under my feelings and my problems and find a person under it. I want an identity, and I'm terrified that I just might get one. I feel sick. Still!!! – last night I went to bed before 9 and didn’t wake up until 7. I didn’t want to get up at 7 so I emailed my staff that I was working from home today and I didn’t even get dressed. I’m still tired – exhausted.
Tonight while I write I feel an innocent sadness welling up inside me. It is the little girl inside of me who stayed silent for a long time. It's me at five, me at eight, it's me shut up inside a closet hiding from the monster at home. It's the feelings that I shoved into the cold silence of shame and self hatred. No feelings - no hurt. No life.- Nothing.
I still look at my body as some separate, out of control entity that I am fighting. I don't look at it as a part of myself. So when it comes down to it, it makes it easier to starve, abuse, hurt, cut and kill my body - instead of myself.
Tonight I have this tired, sick feeling to just keep walking. Keep moving. Keep going. You can do it. What am I even walking forward for? I don't know yet. I just keep hearing exist, exist, exist, be, be, be. Live. And I feel like I'm walking around, faint and blind and tired. Very tired. I want to go to bed and not get up until I am rested.
