This is what I told them....
Close your eyes and imagine yourself locked in a room that follows you everywhere. Inside that room, there is a tornado constantly blowing against you. It knocks you all over the room and lifts you up then slams you on the floor. Even when your exhausted its there continuing to torture you. You can't turn it off and those around are lucky enough to be able to leave the room. Your stuck there. They offer to open the window ( Medication/Therapy) but it only lets a light blast out the Tornado is still moving you around at all hours day or night. The more you struggle against it the more tiring it is. The more you beg for relief the harder it digs into you, as the pain continues to grow and swell till you frustratingly take it out on anyone who tries to help you. Pushing them away though you want to hold them close and make the Tornado stop. It never does.
johnlove posted on Jun 02, 2008
| views: 111
Comments
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Lucytorial said on Jun 02, 2008....
Hugs JL, it doesn't sound very nice at all. -
johnlove said on Jun 02, 2008....
It has taken a great deal of my life away and I have the loss of love, work and friends to prove it. -
Lucytorial said on Jun 02, 2008....
When my husband had depression it was tiring to try and figure out what was going on in his head, when I asked him to show me what it was like (he's an artist) he cut his arms, bled all over the table and covered himself in it, he said he was bleeding inside, some fucker was cutting him up making him feel like a piece of shit, thats how he felt. Awful, simply awful!
Its sounds sublimely selfish JL but I'm so very greatfull that I have never suffered from any mental anguish on that level, I don't know how I'd cope, but I guess you do to a degree, I simply can't fathom how though.
hugs again hon.
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johnlove said on Jun 02, 2008....
Somedays it isn't honestly that easy. I went through the stage of attempts on my life, the self inflicted pain but these days I sit and stare at an item that sits in my room and then I look over at the picture of me sitting with my kids. Swear at myself and go on.
I have however, come to the conclusion that having survived nearly drowning as a 5 yr old boy, being constantly picked on by family, friends and just about anyone who felt like it, then surviving dysplasia of the colon I am just waiting for the day when according to my doctors if I don't take care of myself I will just go to sleep. Guess that's why they keep calling me Lucky. I have survived many things that most would have long since died from.
Damn drill sergeants should never have taught me to not quit... Even when I can barely walk from my arthritis I am unable to quit. Somedays I wish I wasn't so stubborn or lucky.
Please do not contact the authorities as others have done in the past I live with relatives and I am alive with no plans of harming myself but I will not be forced into suffering the stress of doctor bills I am unable to pay for till I get caught up on my child support. Even then I may not start following the advice of those who charge me money to tell me what to do. I served in the Army for the right to chose to live in peace and I want to go in a more peaceful state. Someday it will happen. Till then I will drive on. -
Lucytorial said on Jun 02, 2008....
As life interweaves is immeasurable tasks to us I hope to cross paths some day!
There is obviously a reason for it all if only at the end you get exactly what you want!
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gingersoul said on Jun 02, 2008....
{{{hugs}}}
Comment on "What its like inside my mind..."
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