my best friend massively screwed up.
he treated a woman like shit.
the premise that "he didn't want to hurt her"
in reality....he was a coward.
it's a long story...and i won't go into the gory details.....
but he betrayed me also.
he found another girl shortly after we broke up....but were still sleeping together ...(this ended a couple months ago cause i developed more respect for myself)
and didn't tell me.
he promised he would tell me. (yes you did, it was part of the "plan" remember?)
the girl was his girlfriend. at least in her eyes.
she told me he made promises that he would be faithful....i call that a girlfriend.
he was too chickenshit to tell her he didn't feel that way about her and strung her along since february! FEBRUARY!!!. it's JUNE!!!
anyway......all this time and i knew nothing about it.....according to her she spent the night at his house a couple times a week
over these months i didn't have a clue.
and believed, trusted he would tell me if he had a girlfriend.
i mean...I'M still attached to the guy.
*frown*
but i know him really well.....and i know he's not actually a jerk inside.....
he's just a REALLY BIG FUCKING COWARD.
*frown*
but what he did was REALLLLLY selfish.
and abusive.
i've never had a guy beg my forgiveness before.
i'd already forgiven him......letting him know i didn't think i could trust him any time soon.
forgiveness and trust are two different things.
but now...it's been a few days....and the reality of it is setting in.
i had in my head that life was being led one certain way....and in reality....there was a whole different life going on than the one i believed in.
i don't care that he was trying to not hurt her....and not hurt me..... i believe that those were his motives....i've seen him stress over not hurting people before......often.
but just cause the motives were sound doesn't mean you did the right thing!!!
and i'm angry.
but i already "forgave" him.
can you undo an "i forgive you"?
Fallyn posted on Jun 02, 2008
| views: 225
Comments
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diabolicdame said on Jun 02, 2008....
You're a good person to have forgiven him.. I don't know if I could have.. what he did was downright cowardly.. you're right.. he kept both of you in the dark! It was something like having his cake and eating it too.. I don't think you should be trusting him anytime soon. or anytime ever. -
Fallyn said on Jun 02, 2008....
i think i could trust him again in the future......but not for a long time......and doubtfully for anything remotely resembling a relationship ever.
it makes me really sad.
i told him if he values her or me at ALL.......that he'd just leave it with her that he's just a jerk and a player....and not try to "explain" things.
it's a blow to his pride...cause he doesn't see himself that way....but it seems to me she'd recover from that way easier than if he tries to explain that he didn't want to hurt her.....and then be left with the feelings of why wasn't i good enough for him.
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uniquely-ironic said on Jun 02, 2008....
What he did was more than cowardly. He dressed up his deceit in the geise of being afraid to tell the truth. In reality the only thing he was really afraid of was being found out for what he had done.Your forgiving him was more for you than him. I think it's perfectly reasonable to still be very angry with him, and certainly he will have to live without your trust for a long time or forever. The forgiveness is already done, don't pull it back or it will do more damage to you than him. He needs to earn any level of respect from you the hard way. -
Fallyn said on Jun 02, 2008....
i agree UI.....i had a lot of respect for him.....and that shattered all of it.
i'm still more angry that he treated her that way then what he did to me.
what he did to me was small by comparison.
i just had a lot more faith in him. and he shattered it.
it's hard when you know someone that well, and can see that they know they screwed up...
this isn't the first elaborate scheme that's blown up in his face....but it's the first that has affected me.
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uniquely-ironic said on Jun 02, 2008....
If this isn't his first big blow up, you might consider setting some pretty spacious boundries with him. People who do things like this tend to keep doing them despite themselves. -
Fallyn said on Jun 02, 2008....
*nod* that's what i'm thinking UI. i guess that's part of the reason i've forgiven him...is because he knows he has a problem. i've been witness to these schemes before....i just never really thought i'd be included in one. i know he's got a biiiig problem with trust issues and that's where these schemes stem from. he has a hard time reveiling himself to more than one person at a time.
and i've been like this in the past too......but i've grown past it for the most part....learned my lesson.
if i'd never been that way i'd have a much harder time ever forgiving him.
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uniquely-ironic said on Jun 02, 2008....
One of the good things that comes from experiencing life is that if we're wise we can recognize our own faults, and recognize them in others. If we are careful, we can avoid some of the drama we once were part of. We can adress these problems more compassionately than non-productive blame.Recognizing he has a problem is one thing. You need to see that he's working on correcting a behavior that's self destructive before you can rebuild trust. I can recognize my own faults all day long, but unless I'm in the process of doing something to correct them I don't think other's should "let me off the hook". Otherwise I keep doing them.This is such a complicated concept. -
Fallyn said on Jun 02, 2008....
exactly....i can't trust him at ALL until i can see he has some actual desire to not be that way anymore and even if he can't fix the problem right away..... i understand that too...i've been there. it's HARD to change.
but i want to see some work happening.
i totally can see what you mean.....i guess it's all the growth i've had in the past couple of years. cause i soooo used to be this way.
i understand him i guess is the reason i forgave him.
i haven't seen a real concentrated effort for change....yet..... is the reason i won't trust him.
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Hexie said on Jun 02, 2008....
Hi Fallyn,
I feel for you, but I have to agree with UI on this one. Forgiveness is not really meant to absolve him from responsibility for his actions. That forgiveness you've tendered is for you. It's always harder to have seen the idol's clay feet lobbed at you rather than just observing them passively... If that makes sense.
It strikes me that if he has been pulling the same stunt on various occassions, and then repenting afterwards it is a sort of abuse of your friendship as such(regardless of its previous guise that is). People that abuse their spouses often do their dastardly deed and then apologise profusely to get sympathy and therefore forgiveness. It occurs to me at least that although this may not be a physical assault on trust it certainly is in terms of the emotional - i.e. friendships etc - life.
Anyway, just my two cents, take care of yourself. Forgive if you feel the need. Also, feel free to be angry about what he has done. People don't change if they don't realise that people will eventually call them on their behaviour. Speak to him about it. If it makes you feel any better it's like harsh medicine, the reality of his unintentional impact on those he supposedly cares about should force him to take stock, and react possitively to change. Who knows.
I've known those that refuse to make the change, they've been cauterized from my life, we all need to keep ourselves healthy - upstairs - or get healthy.
I've just realised I prattle rather alot. Anyway good luck.
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Fallyn said on Jun 02, 2008....
no...he's never repented afterwards.....i've seen him do it other times....not really understanding that it was affecting people.
then suddenly he does it and it really affects someone he cares about.....i think it's scared him. He's had a hard life....so i can understand where the behaviour comes from....but that only gives you reasons for a limited amount of screw ups....you're still responsible for fixing the problem.
yeah...he needs to be held responsible.
i hold myself a TINY bit responsible for not calling him on it before when it didn't affect me.
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skald said on Jun 02, 2008....
You are really having a lot to deal with. It shows that you are a great person, being able to forgive him and I say just like you did, you should not trust him. He is probaly like you said a coward, but he is also selfish and abusive as you said and he will hurt him self in the end too. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Sorry he hurt you.
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Fallyn said on Jun 02, 2008....
i'm okay skald. i'm just glad i was separating myself from him before this happened. it would have hurt a LOT more a couple months ago. -
secretlife said on Jun 02, 2008....
i agree he's a chicken shit.maybe deep down inside he's not a jerk.but i always say actions speak alot louder than words.his actions say he's a chicken shit.sometimes saying goodbye and meaning goodbye is the best thing-i don't think he's worth being attached to. -
Fallyn said on Jun 02, 2008....
secret...you might be right....i'm keeping that open as an option right now.
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without said on Jun 02, 2008....
i wouldn't forgive him. hi, i just signed up and i stopped and read this because i am just going down the line commenting. and subscribing. -
Fallyn said on Jun 02, 2008....
well, i'd agree with you completely if we were dating and not very very close friends. -
theduke said on Jun 03, 2008....
I don't know what you should do. -
Fallyn said on Jun 03, 2008....
*laughing* *grin* thanks for your honesty. *grin*