Sitting alone out in the open – no one can see me. Screaming at the top of my lungs – on the inside – no one can hear me. Sheltered by a box of ice that no one can see – so cold on the inside. Fighting the demons inside my head, that, much like me, no one can see. These demons listen to the words they want to hear, while what I’m saying disappears. They yell and they scream that they don’t understand – they direct their anger at me. Raging for someone to hear, for someone to care, for someone to feel my tormented pain. Appointment after appoint – I am too needy and never on the mend. Ignoring the torture I live under, constantly reminded that I am a failure. Slipping into complete solitude, into the world within my head – total emotional and physical torture.
I’m alone and no one cares. This thought echoes through my mind repeatedly as I stand in the shower. I am shivering - the water is freezing, but I’ve made it so. The colder, the better – I deserve this. Shivering, I drop to my knees and stare at the drain. The drain that swallows my hopes, dreams and emotions – the drain that sucks away every bit of life I have in me – every ounce of fight.
I deserve this. Without pausing to think I stick my fingers down my throat and throw up everything I’ve eaten today. The freezing water is suddenly a blessing. It cools my face and washes away every trace of what I’ve done. I watch the remnants of my guilt slide out of sight and the guilt is now replaced by a sensation of self-loathing so intense I’ve surprised I don’t burst into flames. I can feel my face growing warm once again and my head feels as though it might explode. I shut the water off only when my teeth begin to chatter and the water threatens to turn into ice.
It makes no sense – but I throw up to punish and cleanse myself of the pain and humiliation I feel. In the dark corner of my mind, I understand it perfectly. It’s what keeps me coming back time and time again – even though I feel myself growing weary and tired of this.
