I sincerely apologise for deleting these last week.  Unfortunately, although I had them saved in Word, all the wonderful comments you all gave are lost. 

B is a very private man and I respect that, hence the reason this part of the story was being omitted – blogslut has opened my eyes though, now I realise that readers need this piece of the story to truly understand where B and I are at emotionally at the moment . . .

As I was ending the relationship completely with Master, B agreed that I could see Master and say a proper goodbye. B didn't really like the idea but seemed to understand the importance of this for my sake. Master was amazing too. He was truly pleased that B and I had worked out our relationship with a positive conclusion as he knew I was not ready to give up on B or my marriage. Master said that i was 'a special person'. He would not be looking for another sub for quite some time as I would take some beating! Wow – he said that about me. I was touched and honoured. We had become such good friends too you see as ourselves, not just the D/s personas. He said if I was happy, then he was happy. A truly humble, wonderful Dom.

*****

I was almost spoiled! Did I really get to eat my cake and still have some left for a while? I was serving Master via txt and phone conversation a few nights per week until our final meeting that was arranged for 23rd November last year, and beginning to have the most amazing time sexually with B. I loved bondage – that feeling of complete helplessness, and B discovered that he liked that feeling of power over me too. I couldn't believe how much I had underestimated what B had taken on board about D/s and scenes! He really enjoyed learning this part of his role and finding out about my pain threshold. B had always had a high sex drive and sex in our marriage was extremely important to him. He explained to me that, whilst he was learning how to be my Dom psychologically, the bedroom (or any room he chose for that matter!) would be where he would begin his Dominance of me. Fine by me (giggle). The actual act of sexual intercourse was not the most important aspect of submission to me though. I craved the psychological side of it. I would be happily watching TV or blogging away when B would 'instruct' me to shower immediately. I would be told to use the toilet so there would be no interruptions later and to ensure I washed my pussy thoroughly. I would be instructed to fetch a bowl of hot water, towels, a razor and shaving gel into the bedroom. B instructed me to double up the large towel and lay it across the bed. I was to lie back on the towel and spread my legs. I was to be shaved. (I have shaved my own pussy for some years now, purely for comfort due to sensitive skin). It was an amazing, liberating experience and one of pure trust on my part too. B would know exactly which little outfit he wanted me to wear, stockings or bare legs, heels or no heels and which collar I was to get out ready. He understood the importance of me 'presenting' myself before him to inspect. B seemed to know the impact of the blindfold too. I loved hearing the chains rattle as he attached them to the four-poster but not knowing in what way. The feeling of him asking for each wrist then ankle in turn to be cuffed sent shivers down my spine!. I would hear him light the candles (boy did that surprise me as i had no idea he knew anything about hot waxing!!) but then he would place ice cubes across my breasts first (wonderful bastard ha ha!) then followed with wax, then ice again. He knew to make me wait in anticipation, wondering what pleasure and pain was next. I was amazed at how in control he was. For the harder flogging he used insulation tape instead of my ball-gag – that was hot! I did have to remind him though that if I was gagged i needed 'safe signals' that he'd recognise. I have always performed oral on B for his pleasure but it's not really something that turned me on, though it was nice mentally knowing I was pleasing him, but now, still blindfolded but gag removed, under his order to “kneel and suck my cock”, it made me so horny. I never let anyone, not even B come in my mouth as once tried, i hated it. Something was different – I wanted him to pump into my mouth more than anything. The thought was making me so wet. The thought of doing something i would not, could not do for anyone before was exhilarating. For the first time I relished it and B was so proud of me. I was proud of me too.

2 weeks into his new role, B was slowly digesting some of the printouts I had done for him whilst I was at work. Due to ill health, B's self-employment had virtually come to a stop (he was 60 at this point but had never appeared his true age – beautiful fit, slim figure, auburn hair, jeans and T-shirt kind of man). Most of the printouts were from professional Doms and their subs. Although he seemed to be reading about it, it was becoming clear that the psychological aspect of the relationship would be a long time coming, due to B's state of mind. I asked him if he had any thoughts on what he wanted from me. If he had any idea what type of tasks or training he would like me to do. He said that he'd had a rather bad day and asked if we could discuss this tomorrow. It was a bit of a blow but I understood as well as anyone how depression can give you the most shittiest of days. The next day I decided to broach the subject again but from his perspective. I explained to B that I did understand how he felt sometimes. If he wanted things to move slower, at his pace, then that was fine with me. I made it clear to him again that i would wait for as long as it took as he was the man I wanted to travel on this journey with and I believed he was a man well worth waiting for. I gave him a firm, sincere hug and some little kisses and a little more reassurance.

Saturday, November 17th was a night I'd been looking forward to for a while. I was going out with my friend, J, whom I'd cancelled with on many occasion due to my own depression. It was finally happening. A nice meal then on for a few drinks. I'll never forget that night, that's for sure. B had returned from his mum's after having a bad asthma attack (he'd left his nebulizer at home). I returned home much later that night in a taxi with the broken ankle mentioned in the previous chapter. It was bad. The consultant said I'd done just about as much damage as one possibly could. I had 4 different non-weight baring casts on over 6 weeks. I was in constant pain for 3 of those weeks. Just as the pain was subsiding, the final cast came off for good and the pain really began with my slow recovery. Tendons that had healed with new tissue were now being forced to move for the first time. We never envisaged the impact this incident would have on our relationship.

All the pain i was in didn't dull the pain in my heart. The 23rd November was a week away – i should have been travelling to London to see Master!! (he travelled to me last time) I was able to txt Master constantly and he was such a support but I was devastated. I knew I was ending our D/s relationship but to not see him was hurting me so bad. I tried to hide this from B as he did not need reminding of Master. B still found it sickening that I had laid naked with another man and did seem to take for too many opportunities to remind me (although Master did not fuck me nor did we make love). The double whammy was that I may never, ever get to see Master now as he had finally decided to take up a post an old friend of his had offered him in Glasgow. It may not seem such a huge distance to my American Soulcast cousins, but 600 miles was like the end of the universe to me! Master did not drive so even a halfway meeting was almost out of the question, especially as B had found it so hard to agree to it in the first place, meaning new arrangements in the New Year was not something B was going to agree to again. Master would have a new job to learn with huge responsibilities, would be looking for a new home, there would be no time for me for many months. After all, Master had thought he would be leaving me happily with my husband by the time he left on 29th November. It didn't really help when B would pass comments in the car on the way to my hospital visits like, “Well – I've always believed that things happen for a reason”. I wanted to scream at him!! I was a submissive not being able to submit and serve, I hadn't been able to 'serve' Master for nearly 2 weeks or have any sexual relations with B due to the pain, and I was going stir crazy not being able to move from the sofa all day and night (I couldn't sleep with B in case he caught my foot). I did not need to hear that crap from anyone, least of all B! I'd been hiding my disappointment at not seeing Master from B to protect him but B had no sympathy for my predicament. It was as if B had decided this was my punishment. I'd made my bed, now I should lie in it. The slightest thing that reminded him of Master would trigger a rage I had never seen in B before. One example is that Master was helping me to grow my life-long bitten nails. I would have to tell him each day if I'd bitten any of them. Punishment would occur if I had. Knowing I was growing them for Master made it so much easier than ever before. This was the psychological side of D/s that B hadn't quite got his head round. B saw me nibbling at the skin around my fingers, which most nail biters do anyway, but it also helped me not bite the nails. B just exploded that night! He wanted to know how come I never listened to him when he used to tell me to stop biting them. I explained that if he'd instructed me as my Dom of course I would grow them for him, but under my own steam, I have no willpower at all. That's how submission works. It's just the way it is. I also explained that the way he used to 'nag' me to do things, saying how nasty my nails looked, or how much weight I'd put on and needed to diet and exercise more, was not the way to get a sub to do anything. That just made us feel ugly and insecure, not make us want to please! B was blinkered though. To him I would bend to Master's will but never do anything he asked of me. As usual, we both went off at a tangent, harping back to things that happened weeks before that I believed we had already left behind us. It was like the past month hadn't happened. Obviously, i was more emotional than usual being in so much pain all the time, being away from work and missing Master. I could feel my depression closing in, filling me with dread. I had only been back back at work 2 months after a long-term spell of sick leave due to depression. I had been going to the hospital in Nottingham every fortnight, 80 miles away, to take my sister to chemo for breast cancer. I would have to stay over night, spend 6 hours at the hospital with her, watch her go through so much pain and nausea, not to mention her emotional state, then travel back home, and be back at work the next day. We were also both waiting to hear if we had the 'rogue' cancer causing gene, as our mum had died of breast cancer when she was just 48. When she got the all clear, it all just hit me at once and down I went. Now this!

******

B did seem to relax a little once he knew Master had moved to Glasgow. He found me crying when I thought he'd gone into the shower. I had to tell him why i was upset. He actually said that he was sorry I had not been able to say goodbye to Master. He said he couldn't bare to see me unhappy. He said maybe I could arrange to see him in the New Year. I was surprised and touched as I know what courage that took. B spoke of still being serious about being my Dom and wanting us to be in this lifestyle, but I needed to recuperate first. My txts with Master had been very few as the building he was sharing/living in was a blind spot for mobiles. Even a signal amplifier didn't help. He txt on his way to work, at lunch and on his way home but just simple chit-chat really. I had now not served properly for nearly 4 weeks (a long time for a sub to be redundant), no sex with B and no socialising of any kind. I was very low. B was incredible! I was not only in a cast, but had to keep my foot elevated to avoid further swelling. He looked after me round the clock. Helping me to use the commode (gross – i know ha ha!), making meals, washing and dressing me, making drinks, going shopping, housework, everything. This was day in, day out for 6 weeks. Christmas was pretty crappy as you can imagine. We managed to visit relatives in Nottingham but they all had stairs so one day was all we could manage. B was unable to go and do odd jobs, unable to go out with his pal in Nottingham as he couldn't stay at his mum's whilst I needed him. Life was quite shitty for him too. By January I was finally mobile. Not doing the London Marathon or anything but mobile at least. This is where B must have come off 'auto-pilot'. His depression and insomnia struck tenfold to anything we'd experienced before. His medication had to be changed and blood pressure tablets doubled (his blood pressure went off the scale). His reaction to the new medication was worse than the original depression! Back to the GP again. His meds changed again, his blood pressure did return to something near normal but what happened next took B completely by surprise. His lost his sex drive. Not a little – I'm talking about it going on vacation. He'd always managed to feel close to me in the bedroom before no matter what else was happening. A scene using bondage, ice, wax etc still culminated in sexual intercourse. This physical side of our relationship had also now been taken away from him. I think only someone who has experienced this can understand what effect this has on someone. I've only ever seen B cry once before in all our 15 years together but i was going to see this happen twice more during the next few weeks. I was watching my husband go under this destructive cloud and felt helpless. Could he ever come out of it? Was his belief that he may never get his libido back true? As normal, vanilla D, I am a caring, selfless person but submissive me, desperate for my own mental health was worried that I would fail this test. So long as we'd been able to do short scenes in the bedroom, i at least felt part way to being his sub, but now. . . What if I fell after too many hurdles? I was well aware there were plenty of Doms out there looking for subs. Would my own drug-like craving push me towards serving someone no matter who or what the cost? I could not honestly answer this question to myself so God help me if B ever questioned me.

Soulcast is my lifeline at the moment. My emotions can run across these pages anonymously and i feel some relief from the fear and frustration. The fear is hard to describe. I know that I can never live a vanilla life and be truly happy even it were with the man I know I love and am in love with, so where would that put us if B can never be my Dom?? i want to dive for cover rather than even think about it. I receive wonderful support from complete strangers here at SC – thank you! At the same time the net is also an enemy I live with. I read so many D/s stories and know that is where we should be. I read about the local BDSM clubs and wish we were there. I have to be very careful how much I actually mention to B as he feels 'under pressure'. I try to reassure him but, the thoughts that I have about needing to serve someone? B is far from stupid and these thoughts must go through his mind too. There is no one that I know in the flesh that I can talk to about how I feel that would understand. My best friend in Nottingham knows the whole story (apart from this chapter – sorry babes, i know this bit will be a surprise to you!) but even she admits she can never know how I actually feel. Even doing my own training using the butt plug, or practising the 8 slave positions would be impossible without it being in B's face in our tiny little one bedroom cottage. I'm hanging in here on delicate threads and have no idea of their strength or weakness.

Coming to the end of my story seems like an anticlimax right now. I wish i could have given you all a 'Happy ever After'. I feel like I've cheated you somehow. I'm almost sad I've reached the present day here as it's been so cathartic writing it (just like Ima said it would be). We will go through each day as it comes. Arguments, tears and tantrums will be inevitable. The GP said his libido would be effected for 4 to 6 weeks with the medication. We go back to the GP next week (week 7!!) to see where we go from here with B's medication. Thank you again Casters for sharing my story.

Pusscat x