If I promised to give Master up for good, could B become my 'Loving Dominant'?. . .

B wanted to unload the car and get things put away. He was quite shattered after the long drive and didn't want to have to do this later. I put the kettle on and helped him in uncomfortable silence. Seated with our cups of tea and biscuits I expect we looked like any normal married couple having afternoon tea on a rainy November day. The quiet of the room certainly didn't reflect the pounding of my heart or the voice that was screaming in my head. B asked if I had reached a decision whilst he'd been away. I nodded and took a much needed deep breath and began. I asked him if he understood that my submissiveness was not something that was 'for a bit of fun' and that it was who I truly was. He said that although he couldn't imagine what it felt like for me, he realised I had changed forever. I told him that I had never understood the power behind someone loving me so hard and all consumingly like he had admitted to in the letter. I always knew he loved me but to see it written so clearly in black and white, with such raw emotion, had a huge impact on me. I couldn't explain why, but it made me realise that the last thing I wanted was to lose or leave him. The reason being? I was still in love with this dear, patient man. He asked me what I thought the answer was. All the time B had been away, though I'd run the conversation through my head a million and one times, it all seemed so final now! The next few minutes were going decide the rest of my life and I was petrified. “If I give Master up completely, could you be my Dominant?”. There – I'd said it! I'd never been so frightened waiting for an answer. How long was it before he answered? One minute, 30 seconds? It felt like a week. “Are you sure it's me that you want, or am I just second choice because you can't have the other and stay living here?”. God, I deserved that. Poor B, he loathes pity more than anything but right then, all i could think of was how insecure he must feel after everything I'd put him through. How could I convince him that I wanted him as my Dom more than anything in the world?! Words can be easily said but to prove it was going to take everything I had and more. I told B that he was far from second choice. In theory, I could serve Master when B was away and never tell him. B had to go away sometimes for his own sanity as I was at work all day 5 days a week. I said as much to him. If I really wanted Master more, I could have Master and stay living here, and he'd never know. As hard as that sounds it seemed to sink in. I think it was the beginning of B believing he was my first choice and always would be. Then I heard the answer I had prayed so hard for. From everything I had explained to him about the Dom/sub lifestyle, the honesty, respect, trust and commitment, B said he would be willing to learn how to take on the role as my Dominant. I couldn't hug him hard enough! I cried (he'd never admit it but I know I heard him sniff a little too hard!) and I laughed and thanked him for being such a good, good man. He said he couldn't promise anything other than he would try from the heart. I told him that was all I asked.

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I'd discovered a rather weird thing had begun happening to me since I'd woken my submissive nature. It was so much easier to speak open and honestly about things than before. I thought our closeness, brought about with 15 years of knowledge of each other, made us as open as could be, but I was mistaken. Now, I found I could tell B exactly what was in my head, what I wanted in the bedroom, in our life as Dom and sub. The comfort and freedom I felt now was quite liberating. B let me read information to him from BDSM sites I'd found on-line. I also spoke of the different things that collared_whore posted about what she was doing for her Master, and blogslut and sweetrose. It wasn't long before 'sub frenzy' set in. Now, at this time, I had no idea what this was and certainly didn't see it happening. If I had had the sense to blog like other subs were, I probably would have been advised by sweetrose (as that's the sort of wonderful person she is!) what the Hell I was doing. She have said whoa girl – slow down there! I was barraging B – information overload! Pressurising him to be the best Dom in the bloody world over night. I had known about my submissiveness for 3 months. I'd read so much and knew exactly what I wanted – AND I WANTED IT NOW!! Wanted it yesterday! Why do I always spoil things? There were more heated arguments. In my short sightedness I didn't see (yet again) what I was doing to B. He began to question his own ability to be my Dom. When he voiced these concerns, instead of listening and rationalising with him, my own fear just made me go off the deep-end. I couldn't even think about B not being able to do this – couldn't bare it – more arguing. B went to his mum's for a few days so things could cool down. He wasn't angry as such. He's actually one of the most observant men I know. He understood that frustration was getting the better of me. Submission is like a drug – if you can't get your fix of submitting. . .

I've never been so glad for someone being ill. B rang me on the Saturday from Nottingham. Feeling unwell after one of his asthma attacks he was coming home. I was going out with friends for the first time in months (my own depression had forced me to cancel on so many occasions) but would wait for him to come home first. I needed to see he was okay. HE said he's be fine and I had my mobile with me. Good night out, nice meal, few drinks with friends then on to a club. Never made the club! Tripped and broke my bloody ankle big style. Ripped most of the ligaments and tendons around both ankles of the left foot and tore the Achilles tendon. 6 weeks and four changes of cast, agony and complete reliance upon B. Christ, I couldn't even pee without help! Couldn't bathe, get dressed, make a cuppa. Painkillers by the clock. B was fantastic. He cared for me 24/7 for more than 9 weeks in total, but it meant he was tied to the house. Couldn't pop to his mum's, or go to scrap yard (as only men can enjoy doing!) with his pal. Couldn't go and do odd jobs that he was able to do before. When his caring for me came to an end, he came off autopilot as I refer to it. He no longer had me to worry about or spend every hour caring for. His own depression kicked in with a vengeance more venomous than the wroth of a woman done wrong! Boy, did it take us both by surprise. Of course Doms get poorly too but, what set us apart from most was the fact that we had hardly begun! We hadn't set down any ground rules for our lifestyle. No limits to what I could do, no safe words, no discussion on protocols i.e. when to be formal with D/s protocols and when not. I had no idea what B as my Dom expected of me on a day to day basis. If we had at least got that far, I could have been a good submissive to B, taking care of all of his needs. It's hard to explain unless you are a submissive. You can't just decide to do it all yourself anyway – there is no pride in that. The pride and pleasure comes from pleasing your Dom, be it a simple task you have achieved well or a limit you have had pushed by your Dom and overcome it. That's just the way we are. I tried, oh really I did. I thought I'd be the best little sub anyone could ever want ready for when B felt better. I bought a butt plug for anal training. I could do that on my own surely? I printed out the '8 slave positions', I could learn them couldn't I? I'd do my abs exercises each night to get rid of that 'extra padding' too. Best laid plans of mice and men, best laid plans. . . If only it had been that simple. Ever wish you had a crystal ball?. . .