That night I slept on the sofa as I had on so many occasions since my first 'confession'. . .

My frustration at not being able to serve Master made my mood even darker. The awful cow I'd been before returned, once again alienating the man that had tried so hard to understand. Frustration mixed with guilt fed the dark, heavy cloud that was growing over me. As a life-long sufferer of Bi-polar, it didn't take long for depression to creep back into my life as it had so often since my teens. I began to withdraw into myself and even Master struggled to keep my spirits up. He tried to support me as best he could but the distance and lack of face to face contact made it harder and harder for him to 'reach' me. I was eventually signed off from work by my GP and medication was amended. I would pick an argument with B at the drop of a hat to vent my stifled emotions and, the normally placid man i had known for 15 years began to retaliate. Boy did he retaliate big time! Saturday 26th October 2007 – a date I'll never forget is etched into my brain. I still see it so vividly now but always in slow motion?? I was sitting to the left of the sofa in our living room watching nothing in particular on the TV. It was late morning and I was still in my PJs. No incentive to move or get dressed, my mobile phone at my side plugged into the charger. My 'bag of tricks' was at the side of the sofa, out of sight as I had promised B, so as not to 'wind him up'. The living-room door swung open and B strode towards me with a commercial size bottle of bleach minus it's cap! He reached across me and made a grab for the bag which, had by now acquired some fairly expensive outfits, at the same time starting to tilt the bottle. I instinctively pushed him away and pulled the bag onto my lap hugging it to me like my life and soul depended upon it's safe keeping. They weren't just 'play' things to me, they were me, who i am, what I am. My stomach was rolling and my mouth was dry. I sprung up from the sofa, still clutching the bag and begged B not to do this. I pleaded and cried and he eventually just stood still, staring at me with an anger (I now know was hurt) I'd never seen in his eyes before, and slowly lowered his arm with the bottle of bleach down to his side. As I slowly went to walk by him, heading for the bedroom, as quick as lightening he grabbed my mobile, tearing it from it's charger cable and ran into the kitchen. I was stunned for a moment and it seemed to take an age for my feet to respond to what my head was screaming! My mobile, all my pictures of Master, all those beautiful txts he had sent and I had so lovingly stored. Oh God I couldn't bare that! It was probably only seconds that passed but when I got to the kitchen B was running the mobile under the cold water tap. I tried to reach it but he blocked my way with his body. I tried again but he was too strong and pushed me away. I made one final attempt, and I know more than anyone that he didn't mean to hurt me, but he semi turned and punched me on the side of the head. It didn't particularly hurt. I was stunned that he seemed to have lost control. It stunned B just long enough for me to grab my dripping wet mobile. I scooped up the bag I had dropped in the hallway, grabbed my neighbour's house key (she worked crazy shifts and we had access for the dog and any emergency that may occur) and ran out the front door, still in my nightwear and straight into the adjoining cottage, locking the door behind me.

My eyes hurt from crying. I was shaking but not through fear. It was the adrenaline that was coursing through me from such an outrageous, physical scene. I needed to talk with Master. Needed to hear his calm, supportive voice. I opened my mobile. The picture faded in and out as water dripped from it's innards. The signal and battery was showing rapid depletion. I tried to call Master. Nothing – no dialling or ring tone. The front screen turned a fuzzy grey. I quickly opened My Pictures. The phone finally died. I couldn't even look at my darling Master's face anymore. You know, that actually hurt more than anything right then. I looked around for my neighbour's phone. . . Phone. Where was my neighbour's phone?! All the time I'd known her and had never noticed she didn't have a landline! I was in her house in my PJs clutching a bag of BDSM toys and outfits, not knowing what time she was due back, and shivering because i couldn't figure out how to put her bloody heating system on! If it was a sketch-show scene it would have been either hilarious or just plain unbelievable! Not like I could even recall it as a party-piece story – yeah – i can just see the expression on my vanilla friend's faces when I recall that one! I eventually plucked up some courage and ran back home, (not before ensuring the bag was hidden) not daring to look to see if anyone was watching. I ran into the house to fetch our cordless landline phone and my purse that had Master's number hidden in, and ran straight back next door before B realised I'd been in. Master's voicemail kicked in. At least I got to hear his voice. I left a very basic message as I didn't want to panic him. I tried my dear, best friend 'J'. Permanently engaged for the 40 minutes i kept trying it for – damn her son and that bloody computer! Her mobile, permanently switched off or without a signal. I really did feel totally alone, and yes, I felt absolutely sorry for myself too!

After a few hours I knew I had to return home. I also knew that I was in no danger. B had lashed out in frustration but, if he had meant to hit me properly, trust me, I'd have been out for the count. He had made a grab at the mobile when I got hold of it and caught my head instead. I know this to be absolutely true. I know him. He promised me he would not damage anything in the bag as it wouldn't achieve anything. He said he felt humiliated and helpless and, as a man, he needed to feel he was doing something. I understood completely. He actually apologised for the loss of my mobile. I didn't feel any malice towards him at all. My heart went out to him but, something always stopped me from really 'reaching' out to him.

This chain of events, the arguments, the threats to my things, was virtually duplicated on a regular basis, draining the life from both of us. B started going through the mail before I got home from work, waiting for my mobile phone bill to arrive. I discovered he had been ringing the numbers on it trying to find Master. By the laws of probability, he eventually did. Master never answered unknown callers so B left him messages. Master never really did go into detail (he was always protecting me) but they were along the lines of asking, not telling, but asking Master to give me up. Master never responded. I cry now as I write this for what I put him through. How could I be so cruel and not see beyond my own wants and desires? I pray that, as I journey through my Dom/sub life, the discipline I learn ensures i never become that selfish person again. Yes, I hurt like Hell, being submissive and not being able to submit. It felt like 'cold turkey', but I had no right to rip someone's heart apart! Eventually, towards the end of November, B decided to give me an ultimatum. It was him or Master. There would be no more offers of compromise. . .