I know most people will think that something so important, so life changing would be imprinted on my mind forever. . . wrong! I have tried many times to recount the conversation that night. My logical reconing is that I was wound so tight by the time I sat down to talk and I had imagined the conversation so many times in my head, that the reality and my imaginings are now blurred into one. What did become clear was that B had apparently got it into his head that I was having an affair and was ready to leave him. This was how the poor man had interpreted my erratic behaviour over the past few weeks. I do remember trying to explain 'Master' to him. I did not see it as an affair – i am not trying to justify what I was doing with Master, I genuinely didn't see it like that. An affair, to me, is when two people are attracted to each other, sexually, personality wise or both, and begin to indulge in behaviour that gratifies that attraction, which usually does mean sexual activities too. I had only met Master face to face once and, although we spent the night together in a hotel, whether you readers believe it or not, sexual intercourse did not occur. Master knew i was so very new to this. He felt I was a true submissive by the natural way I had submitted to him over the 3 months before we met, but did not wish to take advantage of my trust in him. B did try to understand that I had discovered something about myself that I was surprised and shocked by (confused and scared to death comes in between them somewhere!!). I was not looking for anyone to replace B and, though I may not have realised it before I gave him the papers to read, I certainly knew by the end of evening that I wanted B to remain as my husband. The possibility of losing him was now staring (more like slapping) me in the face and I didn't like it, didn't like it one iota! B was angry more than anything that I had discovered/woken this part of my personality and not gone to him in the first instance. I again tried to explain calmly that 1. I had had no insight as to where my txting with a total stranger was going to lead, 2. it never occurred to me that he would want to learn/enter the lifestyle and dominate me, 3. most important of all, i needed to be sure for myself that this was the real me before i could reveal myself to my husband. What if it had been some passing phase that I would soon tire of?! Would that have been worth risking my marriage for or hurting a truly good, king man?!

B spent a few weekends, sometimes 4 days, a month at his mother's house in Nottingham to 'get him away from the same four walls'. His reactive depression (explanation may follow in another blog?. . ) was helped a little by the break and we spoke each day on the phone. I was not blind to the distance that had developed between us over the past 3 or 4 years. B went to Nottingham on a Friday and on the Saturday evening, sitting alone, I had probably had far more to drink than would be considered 'sociable'. I still to this day don't know exactly what I expected to come from what I did next. . . I opened the personal add pages of our local paper, sent a txt to a txt chat line and awaited their response! Out of character would be an under statement! I was then asked for basic details i.e. name, age, gender, gender i was interested in. i replied. Over half an hour passed and I almost forgot I had done this when my mobile buzzed . The chat-line had sent me 4 males that were interested in 'chatting' with ladies of my age (I must reiterate that no one other than the service provider had access to my mobile number, as any men I replied to, would have to respond via the provider. It would be up to me if I chose to give my number personally. One guy got my attention – not because his txts were sexy or pornographic as some were! He had a confidence about him - confident but not cocky, serious but a hint of humour – that i liked. My instinct trusted him immediately. I txt him my number. Within 24 hours i knew this was different from anything I had expected - it felt so right! How could I be answering such intimate, personal questions about myself to a stranger but not feel treacherous? How could this man gain such honest answers from me without hesitation? Why did his opinion of me suddenly matter more than anything else? I didn't know anything about Dominance and submission at this point. Master told me later that, if I had known about the lifestyle, like many uncollared submissives, I could quite possibly have found myself projecting what a Master wanted to hear rather than the truth just to get a dominant to collar me. The fact that i was a BDSM virgin, highlighted to him that my submission was genuine, Borne out of a Dom asking the right questions. I think it is hard to express real confusion and fear in writing but, if it were a colour, like absolute black, i would have been shrouded in total, thick, all consuming blackness right then. Other people have 'revelations' not me, an average 40 year old secretary!!

B decided to spend an extra 2 days at his mum's as she needed a 'few jobs around the house' doing (bless her – she is 83! The best mother-in-law any gal could ask for too! I love her to bits). Monday morning arrived (i was an annual leave for a few weeks) and my mobile buzzed at 6.35am. Now, to say I'm not a morning person would be like saying vampires have a slight aversion to the sun. i woke up immediately! Psychological I hate to disappoint the readers who may be reading this in anticipation of the sordid sexual details of a submissive's actions that might follow, but I have decided that I am not going to detail what Master's instructions, orders and tasks were. All I will say is that, even at that unGodly hour, I was wet with anticipation and fear – would I live up to Master's expectations? Would I disappoint him? The things he got me to do to myself were beyond even my imagination! A submissive will always tell you the same – even when our Master is not there in person, we cannot lie – if i couldn't do something i would have to tell him, lying to him would be like lying to myself, but I did not have to do this. Each time he txt me to tell me how proud he was and pleased was all i needed to make me proud of myself. I could write a thousand lines here trying to explain, justify the fact that Dominants are not perverts 'getting off' on giving women orders of a sexual nature but, no, this a story about me and if anyone is truly interested in understanding that side of me, then there is plenty of stuff on the net about Dom & sub relationships (Gosh – hope i didn't sound bolshy there *giggle* not intended).

Over the following few weeks B and I came to an unusual agreement. . . . .