• quietone said on May 27, 2008....

  kruu ~ I didn't move out of my country, but I did move 3,000 miles away from one coast to the other for 10 years i was gone.. now I am back where I started... I learned a lot while I was gone, and grew a lot too.. now my life has come full circle more or less.. I am right back where I began.. only I am a better person.  I don't know where your "home" is but maybe you should visit that and see whats there??  just a thought of course. Life has many journeys.. some good some not so good.. but we learn from every one of them.  Good luck in what ever you decide.

• MissMimi said on May 27, 2008....

  I think you made a good decision, kruu.  Anything that causes you this much pain isn't productive.  Do you have a doctor you can see for maybe some antidepressants, just to help you get on a more even keel?   

  Kruu, I have some experience with depression, and right now, I wish I could give you a big hug.  I know how it makes even small tasks seem insurmountable. 

  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{kruu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

• pickersplock said on May 27, 2008....

  I like Quiet's advice about home....and you should follow MissMii's suggestion about a doctor's visit too.
  We women seem to go in and out like the tide......a very strong emotional tide.
  I hope you get back to shore soon............

• dailyachesandpains said on May 27, 2008....

  Kruu!
  {{{HUGS}}}
  I'm so sorry to read this post, but glad that you were able to realize that "something" was wrong before depression got any worse. 
   
  Acting is a little harder than a lot of people think.  You hear of actors "living the role" of the character and Heath Ledger was one of those actors.  It's sometimes difficult to get out of that role and turn the switch back to "normal" mode.  Heath had to play some very dramatic characters in the last films he mad and/or was working on.  The poor thing couldn't even sleep!  Sadly, he is now resting peacefully.  Good move on your part to leave that class. 
   
  Do you think you'll miss it there?  Do you think that your method acting classes and Sinbad may have made you think too much? 
   
  You have gone through SO much there with the crazy apartment searching, room-mates, moving, Sinbad, working...just so much of a load after load!
   
  Have you thought about removing what you've had to go through there (especially now that acting class is over) and just give it a little more time?
   
  If not, how about Spain?
  {{{HUGS}}}
  Daily
   
   
   
   
   

• uniquely-ironic said on May 27, 2008....

  Dropping the class is definately a good idea.  Why seek out opportunities to encourage others to destroy what self esteem you have?  No good can come from that.
   
  As for where to live, well, a place is a place.  Is there a person or persons who you would like to spend more time with?  If so, why not go do that?  having a support system of friends/family/etc would be good for you right now.

• secretlife said on May 27, 2008....

  hey kru-
  i'm sorry to read that you're feeling so down.
  i agree with everyone (and with you) that the acting class just isn't healthy- 
  and also agree that it seems you might be ready for a move.
   
  yeah, you can't escape yourself, but i think there are places where you might feel more positive about you for sure.  and as for new starts?  i don't buy that we're allotted just so many.  instead i am pretty sure that's a state of mind. 
   
  you seem tired and lonely kru. 
  i wish there was a place where you could find comfort and peace for a while, and where you didn't feel so alone.

• skald said on May 27, 2008....

  My dear girl. where ever you go, you will be you. You said you did not know what you had done to deserve this karma. I had a time when I was asking my self this question. One thing I know, you have to find a way to unwind that Karma. To work your self out of it . First of all you have to have some rest somewhere. You are very tired, I can tell. It is a good thing that you are leaving the acting class. You don't need all this. If you did it is over now. Yes, good for you to leave Prague. Now you have a think, you think where you want to go and what you want to do , yes even with the rest of your life. but what ever  you decide to do you have to like it and first you must have some rest. Good luck dear Kruu. And by the way I did not read any of the other comments. I will now. I don't want to be affected by them and I usually comment before I read the other comments.
  

• Zayda said on May 27, 2008....

  Kruu--I think you've made the right decision about the acting class. You don't need an environment that constantly tears you down.
  
  
  I hope that you can find a new place that really speaks to and feeds your soul.

• Actorguy said on May 28, 2008....

  I don't know if you need a new country, Kruu, but you definitely need a new acting teacher, because this one sucks!  Meisner and Method acting techniques can be extremely dangerous and need to be handled very carefully.  Yes, an actor needs to access inner feelings and emotions, but they need to do so very cautiously, in an environment where they feel safe.  We build these mental walls for a reason.... to protect ourselves..... and the idea that Meisner suddenly turns teachers and directors into psychotherapists, pisses me off like you wouldn't believe!  It's Bullshit!

  I think you love acting, Kruu, and I think you could gain so much from it, but this is not the way.  Your teacher is playing with a land-mine here and it can put you in a mental ward.  In the immortal words of Monty Python..... RUN AWAY!

• Alyss said on May 28, 2008....

  kruu I think this is indicative of what you've been going through  recently. I don't know about whether or not the classes have a hand in your state of mind but they certainly don't seem to be helping. You need to be nurtured not torn down or victimised which is how it comes across. Please look after yourself and do what is best for you.

• kruuyai said on May 28, 2008....

  Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and comment on this.  I really appreciate your support.  Sometimes, I don't know what I'd do without you guys.  I'm sticking with my decision to leave the acting class, but I'm holding off on my decision to move.  I have to be here at least until the end of June to finish my teaching contract, and then I have two months off to travel and do whatever, so I have some time to think about the direction I really want my life to take now.  I've realized that there's still a lot I can accomplish here, and I don't need to let my sour experience with one particular group of people take that away from me.  There are other acting workshops here, with different methods... a friend has talked about starting a women's theater group... I've talked with some people (some are from acting class) about starting a writer's support group... I can still act in student films and audition for plays, commercials and as a movie extra... and there's open mic poetry reading .... I've just been too focussed on one (unproductive) thing for too long.
  
  quiet:  I don't know where "home" is either.  If you mean where I grew up.... the state's not big enough for me and my family.  But maybe sometime in the future.  I visited there in '97, and there's a lot I do like about it, but I don't want to feel like I'm backtracking, and i've lost all my connections back there... not to mention that Wisconsin is colder'n hell in the winter!
  
  Mimi:  I've been paying frequent visits to Dr. Chocolate lately.  The guy's really got a way...  :)  {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
  
  pickers:  I do think that menopause is playing a role from time to time... but it just amplifies what's already there, you know what I mean?
  
  daily:  Yeah, it's hard to leave behind the things that people say to you in an acting exercise, especially because you know that, even if they would never say it to you otherwise, it really is where they're at at the moment, and I don't believe those thoughts necessarily go away just because the exercise is over...it's just like the bit of truth that is always found masked behind humor.  And I think some of my fellow students get off on it just a bit too much... one guy even said... "It's the only legitimate way to make a woman cry... Meisner."  I don't think that's really supposed to be the point of it.
  
  As far as having gone through so much here, well... that's just my life.  It's the same pretty much anywhere..  It's just that certain things are aggravated here by being thrown back into an American culture.  Yes, I am thinking about giving Prague some more time.... but not the Meisner class.  Spain isn't an option... almost impossible to get a job teaching English there.... they don't like to bother with the paperwork, so hire Brits and Irish. 
  
  uniquely:  I've come to the same conclusion myself.  There's just no point in torturing myself like this.... and it's not even helping my acting ability anymore.  I am definitely going to start spending more time with the people who build me up rather than the ones who tear me down.  I noticed, a couple of weeks ago, when I skipped out of acting class to meet with the Ice Man and some of his friends about a new business that we're starting, that he and his friends treated me like a human being, and it felt so different from the way I usually feel during and after acting class.  And with the Ice Man's connections, I'll meet more Czechs, and that's part of what I came here for.  Also, when I went to the graduation party for the film school.... and I have to say that I usually don't enjoy myself at parties... I had a great time, and felt that everyone treated me with so much respect and were genuinely interested in talking to me.  I felt great walking home from that party on Saturday night, but by Monday night in acting class, I was destroyed.  I'll hang onto the friendships that work for me, and that includes quite a few people that I met in the acting class as well, but i can pick and choose, and I don't have to subject myself to that group dynamic.  Family is something I've never been able to rely on for support at any time in my life, but I can be more selective about whom I befriend.
  
  
  

• kruuyai said on May 28, 2008....

  secret:  I think you hit the nail right on the head... I'm tired.  I'm so very, very tired.  And leaving this class is going to free up a hell of a lot of time for me to get rested up so I can clear my head and re-evaluate things, and do the important stuff like take care of my health and darn my socks!  It's been more than a full time job.. in addition to my full time job, and to come out of complete retirement and throw myself into this kind of a schedule has been so incredibly stressful... in addition to dealing with visa issues.  I think I may be able to handle being in Prague for a while longer... I've been in some parts of the city the last couple of days that remind me why I moved here in the first place, and I'm glad I'll have more time to enjoy those places.  I don't see Prague as the place I'm going to be forever... it's too shallow for that... but I see it as a place where I can get a kick start on some creative work, and make some necessary contacts.  That much is already happening.  I just need to fine tune my radar more so that I can recognize the unhealthy situations earlier and get myself out of them before they do too much damage.   The ironic thing is that, the whole time I've been feeling so desperately lonely and pathetic, I've had more social engagements, both one on one and with groups, than I've had at any time in my life...  to the point where I've had to just shut down and turn down a lot of invitations to do things, and still ended up going out more than I wanted to.  So, I can't complain about being bored, but I think it's more about the quality of the connections.  I've met a few really great people here, but they always seem to be the ones who go away..  This is a very transient community, and people don't come to stay.

• kruuyai said on May 28, 2008....

  skald:  I will definitely leave Prague during the summer.  I think I need to do that in order to get a perspective on things.  It's too hard to evaluate anything from inside of it all.  I was going to attend a summer workshop at the film school, but I never heard back from them, and it's just as well, because I understand that there's a big upheaval going on there in the administration, so it might be better for me to wait until next year for that.
  
  Z:  Thanks.  I'm beginning to think that place is not so much a place as a state of mind.  I ran into an acquaintance who made me rethink some of the things I'm facing here.  As you may know, age has been a big issue for me here... and I've blamed it for the way that people treat me, and for my lack of a love life, etc.  (which I still think is true in part, but maybe mostly because I've bought into it), and here I meet this woman who is 55 but looks a good 10 years older (heavy drinker and smoker), and she's telling me about all these boyfriends that she's had here, some of them much younger than her... and she's so full of life, and you can just tell that she's having a ball, no matter what she's doing.  So, I asked her about how she manages to find guys here, because it's been a long dry spell for me.... Her answer:  find a lot of male drinking partners... it drives their girlfriends wild with jealousy and makes other men think that you're a really popular woman and then they want you.  Ha ha!  I don't know if I'll try that tactic per se, but I do get what she's saying... besides the fact that she doesn't let anyone tell her how to feel about herself.  Running into her was a godsend.  I'll definitely be spending more time with her.  She's an inspiration.
  

• kruuyai said on May 28, 2008....

  Actorguy:  I know exactly what you mean.  And this guy's limits are pretty clear to me.  I am toying with the idea of a one-week Meisner workshop in London this summer, just to see what it's like in the hands of teachers who have actually studied with Meisner himself.  Then, I can judge if that's something I want to pursue further or not.  But if I do, it won't be with the same group that I'm with now.  And I'd like to explore other methods, not to mention learn by doing.  This stuff needs to be anchored into some real acting assignments from time to time, or it just becomes, as you said, amateur psychotherapy class, where the only valid emotion seems to be rage. 
  
  Alyss:  I think the classes have played a significant role in what I'm going through, but the stage was set for all of this last summer when I got rejected for a flat I'd rented because of my age.  And then the teaching class with all the young age-conscious Americans.... and it was just one thing after another until I probably played a role in my own exclusion within this group.  It's just hard for me to evaluate everything clearly from where I stand.
  

• pusscat said on May 28, 2008....

  Hello Kruu.

  I've chosen the tag Strong Woman cos, believe it or not, that's what you are.  Yes, I know you sometimes doubt yourself but that's not weakness it's human.  Sometimes you feel overloaded, but that's not weakness either.  As for the so called 'creative community' they are anything but.  You come here and pour so much of yourself out you must be drained afterwards but, then I see you taking on board the support and advice that everyone here gives (I can see you are highly thought of here you now :-) and you analyse things a little more clearly and begin to see more clearly too.

  I'm glad you've dropped the acting class there - like you say, you can join so many other classes - sounds like you've done your homework on what's out there.  Glad you're giving Prague another chance too :-)

  I agree with Missmimi about the visit to a GP.  When I have my bad depressive episodes, often triggered by negative experiences like yours, even when that experience ends, I still need a little help to get back on an even keal.  One thing I can;t emphasise enough though is, there are still some countries that are not, how can I say this politely, not up to scratch with anti depressants.  They must be taken for a minimum of 6 months even after you feel well again, providing they agree with you of course, to ensure a relapse doesn't occur.  Patients used to stop taking them after 6 or 8 weeks when they felt well but stopping before 6 months is up will most definitely cause a relapse.  

  I wish you all the best and, anytime the crap gets too much again, come here and be the strong woman again kruu :-)

   

• Fallyn said on May 28, 2008....

  you need to be whole in yourself......you will never find a "place" that will do it for you.
  some places are better than others to be in.....maybe prague isn't one of them. maybe this acting class is exactly what you don't need.
  but without being comfortable with yourself wherever you are....any place will start to feel this way after awhile.
  but it seems you've already come to that.
  
  there has got to be a tidbit of wisdom i'm forgetting here......but...that's the point. *sigh* i am forgetting it.....and.....coming to the realization that i'm not taking my own advice.
  ack.
  
  oh....and this is an AFGO.
  as my therapist likes to call them...... Another Fucking Growth Opportunity
  

• secretlife said on May 28, 2008....

  you sound so  much better today, so either you are, or you're really good at faking it. :-)
   
  either way it's ok kru-  because i sometimes think faking it isn't always a bad thing.
   
  i like your plan.  i like the idea of you taking the travel months to think and relax and rest and think some more.
   
  and i know it's about tired most of all......and a tinge of lonely, regardless of how many people surround you.
   
  one day at a time.  it's almost june already...

• kruuyai said on May 30, 2008....

  pusscat: Thanks.  I wish I could figure out what to do about the whole anti-depressant thing.  Maybe if I go to England for a while this summer, I can talk to a doctor there.  Although I wonder how they would feel about prescribing medication to someone who is just passing through.  And I dread that phase of trying all different kinds of drugs until I stumble across the right one.  Prozac worked great 12 years ago, and I took it for 6 months, but stopped because I couldn't deal with the side effects.  As it turned out, both the positive effects of the drug and the side effect lasted for more than a year after I stopped taking it.  Then, my doctor tried a bunch of other stuff on me... Wellbutrin and the like, but nothing worked.  Then, I did the medical experiment for free drugs and almost lost my vision.  I self medicated on St, John's Wort for a while, but it only ever seemed to help for a while.  Now, my D.O. friend (who, unfortunately, is in India until August), has mentioned that my taking and stopping to take St. John's Wort may be responsible for the inflammation that I have in my arm due to my dislocated collarbone... I forgot to get details from her before she left, but she mentioned the latin name of it, so I went out and got some topical oil made with St. John's Wort and am rubbing it on my arm daily, but I'm totally clueless as to when I should stop, etc.  Maybe I should join her in India.  Life just gets too complicated sometimes.
  
  Fallyn:  Of course, you're right... but, of course, it doesn't help to hear that, because I've really given up hope of ever being whole in myself.  I'm almost 50, and I've been working on these issues all my life.  Sometimes, I think it gets worse instead of better.  I think that, when a child is not given what he or she needs to get a healthy start in life, there's just no way to ever make up for it.  I've pretty much come to the realization that the way my life has been is the way my life is going to be.  I'm familiar with all the theories about how life is an illusion, and we can choose to write the script, and all that, and I even believe it, but somehow, I seem to be stuck writing the same script over and over, and even when I put myself to thinking up logical steps to get to another place (mentally/emotionally) I come up empty.  Growth opportunities?  Another illusion upon which therapists are making themselves rich.  How's that for cynicism on a Saturday morning?  :)
  
  secret:  Well, it's up and down.  But I agree that, at least in real life, it's not all bad to fake it.  Then, at least people don't run away screaming from you.  Nobody wants to be around a depressed person... especially one that they don't know very well.  Still, it's not easy for me to fake a good mood, and I can usually only fake a semi-undepressed mood.  Here, I don't fake it.  Whatever is in my head or heart at the moment comes out on the screen, and that may vary from one comment to another.  I think I will feel better once I have some travel plans worked out.  Everything is very much up in the air right now, as I still don't know for sure where I'm allowed to go.  Tired is a temporary thing... lonliness is chronic... it's been a way of life for me... one that I'm sick and tired of ... but I guess I bring it on myself, because I also have this insatiable need for independence and down time... and I'm beginning to see how I exclude myself from groups... especially those that are disposed to exclude me anyway, but even those that are open to me.  I'm so internal, and I rail against people who live their lives so externally focussed, and I know I wouldn't want to become them, but maybe I need to find a balance in there somewhere.  How?  I haven't got a clue, and I'm sure I'll die trying.
  

• Fallyn said on May 31, 2008....

  it's easier to raise a whole child than to fix a broken man. *sad*

• kruuyai said on May 31, 2008....

  Fallyn:  What are you doing up at this hour?  lol... I thought everyone "over there" would be asleep.  

• Fallyn said on May 31, 2008....

  best friend issues......he just went to bed....i'm still mulling.

• queenparanoia said on Jun 02, 2008....

  kruu: i didnt read the comments too long... just to let you know that wherever you may be i'm here to support your decision. you are a good friend here in soulcast for me and i'm thankful for that. kruu, i think you dont belong to any country. you belong to the whole world! so if prague is making you feel this way then go! go to your next adventure! i know that you'll manage to settle and you can be happy... =) i hope you find what youre looking for.... just a suggestion... i love paris... who knows? france might be the country for your next adventure... =)

• kruuyai said on Jun 02, 2008....

  queen:  Ha ha.. either I belong to the whole world, or I don't belong anywhere in the world.. I'm not sure which.  France... hmmmm, if only it were that easy.  But with this Schengen thing they've got going, most of Europe isn't even an option for me... the popular places don't want to hassle with visa work for non-EU citizens when they have plenty of Brits and Irish to choose from.  I just applied for a summer cat-sitting stint in China.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  :)

• queenparanoia said on Jun 03, 2008....

  kruu: whoa china!!!!! yay!!!!!! =)

• kruuyai said on Jun 03, 2008....

  queen:  Well, I haven't heard anything yet, so it's probably a no go.  :(
  

• steppenwolf68 said on Jun 20, 2008....

  Hi Kru, you see, you have a lot of friends on SC. Impressive. Since "Dogs of.. " I haven't had much time, but thought I would look in for a minute... Thare you are, unhappy. Life has its ups and downs, but no one should be mobbed in their classes. Maybe you have gotten what you needed out of it and are now ready for something else. But I just have to say something nice to you and try and bring up your head at least a little.

  France, EU. why not? Did you know there are some 45K Americans legally registered in Paris alone? And if you speak French... WOW! Germany? Italy, where some of the nicest poeple in the world live! The world is your oyster, girl. And if you go to China, don't forget us... ok? 

  In Zen it is said that "our teachers find us." All I can suggest is to collect yourself and go with the flow. Not always so easy as sounds. And, what is flow? Just wanted to send you some very good vibes from here... lots of good vibes!!!

   .

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