Like most infants, my daughter was beautiful. She had long dark hair, rosy skin, and a little rosebud for a mouth. People in the hospital stopped by to comment on her beauty, and her size. She was over 11 pounds when she entered this world. Weight that resulted from my diabetes, though unkown to me then. Her size caused a difficult birth which deprived her of oxygen. And as time unfolded, deprived her of a normal life. One without options, without normal milestones, without things that she always longed for and will never have. My daughter still has dark hair, rosy skin, and a pretty mouth, but she also has cerebral palsy, a hearing loss, speech problems, learning difficulties, and for the last decade emotional issues. Her life has been a struggle from the beginning and I sadly suspect it will be until the end. She is 35 now. She lives in a group home with 3 other ladies. It is a nice home in a nice area. The staff is kind and I fully realize the blessing this home is to her and to us. That said, I have had to slowly give up my dreams for her life. And worse, she has to do the same. She dreamed of college, she dreamed of boyfriends, of love, of marriage, of children. She had no lack of dreams when she was young and she struggled and suffered as she was forced to let each dream go. Some still linger for her but mostly she lives in a state of constant sadness and there is nothing I can do to change her world. Some days, when I hold her close, I feel her sadness join with mine and it is all consuming. Days when I rage at the Drs who failed her when she arrived, at the world that ignores her, at the dreams that haunt us still. I have new dreams for my daughter these days. I dream of peace for her, for her acceptance of her life and herself. I dream of good health and kind people in her life. I dream of a day when she has no pain. And I remember. I remember the beautiful child she was.
woman posted on May 26, 2008
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Comments
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secretlife said on May 26, 2008....
i cannot imagine how difficult your life must have been to watch all of these heartbreaks- my heart aches just to read this and think about all of those times and all of those dreams she's had to let go of-and your dreams too.i hope for you both that you can find peace, if not fairness, in what life brings to you. -
wishyouwerehere said on May 26, 2008....
Life isn't fair at all - and so much of our pain comes from expecting it to be that way. There is no suitable explanation for what you and your daughter have experienced, but the lessons you take away are what you make of it ... that beautiful baby, full of so much potential, and the life that results after letting go of the dreams - it may not be exactly as you or she hoped, but in a way, her survival is in itself a miracle. So is the unconditional love of a devoted mother - I found your post so touching, Woman. Thank you. -
quietone said on May 26, 2008....
{{{{hugs}}} I don't really know what to say, this was a very moving post woman. you have let go of dreams but never each other.. that is the important thing. -
diabolicdame said on May 26, 2008....
That sounds really difficult woman.. I can feel your pain in your words. It is so unfair.. It is difficult to give up dreams.. they persist for so long inside of us.. but you're right.. the important thing is that she's happy and healthy. I will pray for peace for you both..
(((hug)))
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skald said on May 26, 2008....
Woman you are full of pain and I understand this. Your daughter is a beautiful person , I think that means a lot. I am sorry for all the things she has been deprived of. ((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) -
woman said on May 26, 2008....
Secret~Thank you for your kind thoughts. -
woman said on May 26, 2008....
Wish~No life is not fair and it is difficult. It is just watching her pain that is so sad. -
woman said on May 26, 2008....
Quiet~Thank you for your sweet words. -
woman said on May 26, 2008....
Diabolicdame~Thank you for your prayers. -
woman said on May 26, 2008....
Skald~Thank you for the hug, I could use one today. -
wishyouwerehere said on May 26, 2008....
Woman - sometimes, other people's pain is even more intolerable than our own. Your obvious love for your daughter speaks volumes about the beauty of unconditional affection. I can feel your yearning to ease her pain and I am so sorry you are both hurting this way - Wish -
theloveblah said on May 26, 2008....
Though you may have to give up.....or I'd rather say "rework" old dreams, you can always create new goals and dreams for yourself! Your daughter is still a young woman and hopefully soon there will be new opportunities in life that come her way.:) -
bluegum said on May 27, 2008....
thats a pretty hard road your daughter has ,i hope it gets easier for her at least in some ways..when i learn of the difficult life some have compared to mine it makes me thankful for what i have.blue. -
Actorguy said on May 27, 2008....
I don't think there's anything more difficult than watching our children suffer. I hope she finds some contentment. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. -
soaringraven said on May 27, 2008....
Oh my! I had no idea! You have traveled a difficult road my fiend. It makes me feel guilty because mine has been so easy by comparison. Four healthy kids and eight healthy grandkids.
I just can't imagine how I might have dealt with such a difficult road.
All the best for your daughter, and hoping she finds some degree of peace in her life. And I send you a bushel of hugs, fresh from the Raven's garden of hope.
soaring
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Fallyn said on May 27, 2008....
letting go of dreams is hard for anyone....so much harder when there are so many to let go of.
peace is so hard to reach sometimes. growth as well.
i wish for her and you all the best and maybe a dream or two that may yet come true. *VERY big hugs*
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hotaka said on May 27, 2008....
You know, that was extremely touching to read. And though I don't know anyone now who is in your daughter's situation, I have known or seen people who lived under such circumstances. And I always wondered and thought about them. I thought how frustrating it must be to realize that no matter how much you have to be thankful for - a loving family, good friends, hobbies, good times - you know you will never be able to live a "normal" life. And you are forced to give up things that others take for granted. I am a person who believes in making the best of a bad situation, but some people have no choice but to relinquish dreams they know they can never have because of circumstances beyond their control. It is a terrible pity. However, once that can be accpeted one can still find a way to enjoy life and one can still be loved and have good times with dear family and friends. I hope your daughter finds her peace and enjoys life as much as possible. -
Mamie said on May 27, 2008....
My heart is tender having read this story. I do know that the only thing that can pierce my heart is the pains that my own daughter must manage through so I feel your pain. I wish you both great peace in knowing that God does not make mistakes. I am so sorry that you have dreams that never came to fruition, but I do love the picture of the love that you share and the connectedness that you have with her, esprcially when she is in your arms. Our girls will always be our babies, ya know?
Peace and love to you. Mamie
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fromtheheart said on May 27, 2008....
i understand what you feel, I had an experience in working in similar group home your daughter in to right now. It broke my heart seeing them, not living a normal life, not doing the things that I am doing and my friends do. But I realize that more than me, they teach me a lot of things. I don't know, but I think they are stronger individuals as compared to us. i was imagining my self living their lives, in their shoes and I know that I cannot live the way they do right now.
My respect is with people like them, they are the nicest people I have ever met in my life. Their trust and love for me is unconditional, though it is difficult for them to trust anyone. I observed when I was going home from my all day work with them that i didn't even feel tired, yet there was a big smile on my face and in my heart.
You know what, your daughter is still lucky.... to have you as her mom and to be alive for someone... to those who need inspiration. It might be unfair in your part but your daughter is a precious gift from God to you and to everyone around her.
GOD BLESS YOU!!
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woman said on May 27, 2008....
Wish~thank you for the understanding. -
woman said on May 27, 2008....
thelove~Thanks for your comments. I have many dreams of my own and the desire to live them. My daughters dreams are in her hands now and I simply put her in my prayers. -
woman said on May 27, 2008....
Bluegum~Hello.Thanks you for stopping by. She has had a difficult life and she will continue to have one. And yet, she has a nice home, a family, and activities to look forward to. I wish she could be content with these things. -
woman said on May 27, 2008....
Actorguy~No, few things can hurt us like our children's pain. Thank you for your prayers. -
woman said on May 27, 2008....
Raven~Thank you for the hugs. They were needed and appreciated. Never, ever, feel guilty for having the blessing of healthy family. Just enjoy and appreciate. It always sounds like you do. -
woman said on May 27, 2008....
Fallyn~thank you for the kind words and the big hug. Both are welcome. -
woman said on May 27, 2008....
Hotaka~yes, you seem to understand and thank you for ending with hope. There always is hope. -
woman said on May 27, 2008....
Mamie~thank you for the wish for peace and love. I too believe God does not make mistakes but He certainly does provoke questions, doesn't He? -
woman said on May 27, 2008....
Fromtheheart~Bless you for working, with love and understand, with people with disabilities. It is a job that requires both patience and heart. Thank you. -
CreativeWoman said on May 27, 2008....
I don't what to say other than this made me cry. I can see she is a blessing. I hope your new dreams for her come true.
CW
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woman said on May 28, 2008....
CW~Thank you. If you were moved then the truth was told and understood. To have her content would be such a blessing. -
hotaka said on May 29, 2008....
Yes, well as the story goes, without Hope the box for humanity would be empty. So hang on to Hope. -
fromtheheart said on May 31, 2008....
you are always welcome and thank you for being such an inspiration...
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