It's very hard for me to write this but I know some of my friends have been a little worried. I haven't been commenting as usual either. Just couldn't find the motivation to type anything. My depression has hit an all time low. Worse than last year when I was off work for so, so long. I go to work and act like nothing is wrong - it's like I'm on autopilot, but when I get home again, the facade falls away and my head implodes!
I know Brian can't help how he feels at the moment. He's got to go through the whole process of starting new meds again and is being referred to the Psychiatrist on Tuesday but, when you hear your husband yell, "I want a NORMAL life, with a NORMAL wife!", it kinda tears your insides apart.
We haven't made love in over a week - no I don't mean a scene either - just sex - not one bit. Again, not his fault I know. He decided he 'needed' release last night. There wasn't so much as a flutter in my pussy. Oh yeah, I managed to 'sort' him out, but as for me, nothing. When submissives live the lifestyle and feel so close to their Dom (husband or not), I know 'vanilla' love making can be just as sweet - I felt like that when I felt close to him and we were also doing BDSM but, when you don't get anything and you start to feel like a frumpy, undesireable piece of shit, the horn does not get blown at all by vanilla sex for me.
My head today was full to bursting. I can't explain the feeling of sheer hopelessness to anyone that has never felt it. You feel like you want to not exist for a while and maybe start to exist when it's over. I began to bang my head extremely hard on the fitted wardrobe wooden door. It somehow gives me a felling of release for a moment or two. It doesn't really hurt at the front anymore as it's become hardened to this act. I nearly did something very, very selfish today. After we had an arguement (if you can call it that - him shouting, me crying) I grabbed my carkeys, my mobile, a bottle of juice from the fridge and 2 boxes of Co-codamol left from when I broke my ankle. It seemed, at the time, an easy option. I drove for ages then decided to stop down a dead end country lane as I was feeling shakey due to having nothing to eat all day (it was 5.15pm). I sat and cried for some time then just sat staring at the tablets. I made a roll up and smoked that. Then I saw something flash past my wing mirror. There it was, right infront of me. The most beautiful young rabbit just sitting there looking at me. He twitched his nose, turned round and ran into a field. It made me smile for the first time today. Then, after the sky had been grey all day the sun decided to pay the planet a visit. I didn't have any answers still but decided to back up down the lane and drive for a while. I drove for a couple of hours then went home. No one will ever know how close I came to opening the Co-codamol tablets. Hope they never do.
I just felt that I needed to write this and let my friends know why I may be acting a bit strange. Can't help it. I love my husband but at the end of the day I am a submissive. I have submissive desires, submissives wants and submissive cravings. I don't care if I am never flogged, or never tied to a bed - I want to be dominated through my mind and heart, guided to use correct discipline and loved for who I am now and not who everyone thought I was before.
Thank you for your time if you have read my ramblings.
