• Me-Myself&I said on May 21, 2008....

  wow, bless your heart! i really don't understand what is going on but i know pain when i see or read it! (hug) i'm so sorry.  i hope something can come your way to help comfort you. i'm be thinking of you. i'll light a candle to send Peace your way. Take care, please. ~see ya

• wombat said on May 21, 2008....

  Stopped in my tracks here, again.  I am so sorry to read this.   Is there anything I can do to help? 

• kruuyai said on May 21, 2008....

  Thank you both.  You've already helped.  You're the only people I can count on in the middle of the night.  

• Zayda said on May 21, 2008....

  Awww...Kruuyai...I wish I could make it better. I truly do.

• wombat said on May 21, 2008....

  Then make me a promise---In one week from now send me a PM telling me how you are.  You don't have to go into detail.  I just want to see a message from you--will you do that?

• Lucytorial said on May 21, 2008....

  hey! I'm here to Kruu!
  
  I don't know whats going on for you but I can hear your hurt from here, its palpable.  Chin up Kruu....  you aren't alone!
  

• skald said on May 21, 2008....

  Kruu no you don't want to end it. You might have to change jobs, do something else, go somewhere else. Find out what it is that you want and go after it. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

• pickersplock said on May 21, 2008....

  Hey, you!  I hope you're feeling better!

• evil_twin said on May 21, 2008....

  I know exactly how you feel, unfortunately. I don't feel that way right now, but I did for a long time. But I'm still here! Things do get better. Somehow. I don't know how it happens, but it never seems to fail. I hope you feel better soon....
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• quietone said on May 21, 2008....

  kruu ~ look outside the box.  It will pass..... come on, hold on.. don't make me go get you and bring you to this boring state I live in!!!  You aren't alone.  lean on us.

• the_infernal_optimist said on May 21, 2008....

  Kruu...((massive, massive hugs))
  
  I don't know what to say, but I'm here, and I hope it gets better soon.
  
  ~Infernal
  

• RollingC said on May 22, 2008....

  Kruu..... I don't know what's going on but if there's anything that I can do to help please let me know.
  {{{ HUGS }}}
  Rc

• husbandhater said on May 22, 2008....

  Stopped here a couple of times b/c this is just not you. I always checked and yes it's Krui. What is that you need the bathtub for and why would you pass out? Last thing I read was about Sinbad and I forget what part that was. Kruii I'll give you a HUG{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kru}}}}}}}}}}}} and guess you'll explain more later. I'm sending my love to you. Leave for the next port or change jobs. Either way a change of scenery is in order.

• diabolicdame said on May 22, 2008....

  kru.. I don't understand what is happening that is making you feel like this.. but life is great really.. it is worth living.. these are just phases and they will pass. Just hang in there.. (((hug)))

• Mamie said on May 22, 2008....

  krukru, now this definitely does not sound like you. I think maybe some heart ache has been held inside too long. Will you please exhale now? and stop, for a second please and give your self a chance to breathe some. It seems as though you are facing full face into a very strong wind and the sheer force of it is taking your breath away. Turn your head to us, now, and let us give you some shelter...its gonna be okay....blog it out! mamie

• MissMimi said on May 22, 2008....

  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{kruu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} 

• uniquely-ironic said on May 22, 2008....

  I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed.  I think I can relate at least a little bit to that.  There are days when I have it all planned out.  I usually wait a day to see if it's still that bad.  Usually something comes along to distract me.
   
  So ......... you have me and the other SC friends to distract you.  Did it help?

• polarheart said on May 22, 2008....

  (((((((KRUU))))))))), do you need a wee break?  Remember we aren't far off and you are still welcome to come!!  You know I am not jesting when I say this. . .if you feel you need to please dont hesitate to contact me. . .you have my details.  I hope you feel better soon!
   
  Love Polar

• moonriver said on May 22, 2008....

  hey kruu. hope you're feeling better today.
  
  

• Alyss said on May 22, 2008....

  Great big enormous {hugs} for you kruu.

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on May 22, 2008....

  
  Dearest Kruu,
  
  I have recently been there, where you are.  I wish you are not feeling this pain. :(
  
  (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
  
  {returning one of your lopsided hugs, which you have given me enough in the past}
  
  Piet sends his love, and support.  We too are both near to you.
  
  Remember, we promised to try and meet this year? : X
  
  You could come to us here in Germany, and we could go together and visit Piet in Holland.
  
  We are all here for you Kruu.
  
  Your friend,
  
  j <3
  
  
  

• Never_Mind_The_Quality said on May 22, 2008....

  
  Yes, Kruu
  
  Let's do the Alster tour with Joan.
  Let's look at doors and balconies.
  Lets go crazy, eat Hamburgers with cheese.
  You can carry Mary. We'll go sailing.
  
  I feel helples when Joan is hurting.
  I can only be there for her.
  Feeling helples, but being there
  That's why all these people write
  They are there for you.
  Just as you are here for them.
  
  Be strong Kruu.
  Don't let us lose you.
  
  Pete.
  
  
  
  

• wombat said on May 22, 2008....

  kruuyai:  I am stopping back in to say hello and hoping you are doing better today than yesterday.  Hope you will send me that "Hello PM" next week sometime.  Meanwhile, take care of yourself and know there are so many people here who care!

• queenparanoia said on May 22, 2008....

  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  sometimes we fell in this kind if negative feelings in our lives... so hold on kruu.... hold on...

• silverwhisper said on May 23, 2008....

  kruu: i don't know where all of this came from but this doesn't sound like the woman i've been reading for one and a half years. what's going on?
  
  ed

• kruuyai said on May 23, 2008....

  Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to this... I've been in a pretty bad space lately, but it's not as unusual as you all seem to think.  I've pretty much spent my life being depressed.  It's just more intense some times than others.  I'm not sure if there's something in particular that causes it to surface at any particular time, whether it's hormones or life circumstances.  I think it's usually the worst when I try to take a look at where I'm headed in life, and can't see any reason to be here.  I'll try to reply to you all individually:
  
  MM&I:  Thank you, just being able to share these feelings and having you respond to it so soon makes a huge difference. 
  
  wombat:  Thank you for checking back in so often.  Remembering your concern will help me in the future when I think that nobody cares.  And sure, I'll send you a PM next week.  :)
  
  Z:  Thanks.  :)
  
  Lucy:  Thanks.  At the moment, I'm feeling okay, and when I see messages like this from people like you who have been through so much, it tends to put things back in perspective. 
  
  skald:  The truth of the matter is that sometimes I really do want to end it.  And changing jobs or going somewhere new... I've done it more times than I can count, and it never helps for long... wherever I go, I still have to take myself with me.. .you know?
  
  pickers:  Thank you, my dear.  Hearing from you always reminds me of my tiara days.  :)
  
  e_t:  Yeah, things generally go from bad to tolerable... I know this is going to sound facetious, but sometimes I actually envy people who are bipolar, because at least they have the highs to compensate for the lows.  I think when I was younger, I used to have more radical mood swings, but nowadays, they only swing down.  There just aren't any highs left, and that just makes the future seem not worth bothering with.
  
  quiet:  Ha ha .. which state would that be?  Anyway, boredom amongst friends is never really so boring, is it?
  
  infernal:  Thank you...  loved reading about your recent dreams, BTW.  I have to get back to journaling mine, too.  My life is so out of whack right now.  I just can't seem to focus on anything.
  
  RollingC:  Thanks,... you already have.  :)
  
  hh:  It's more me than you know.  This isn't about Sinbad.  He was just a diversion to keep me out of the pits for a while, but that seems to have passed by as well.  I'm sure you can figure out what the bathtub was for, but that's passed by as well for the time being.  It's not always about something.  Sometimes, these feelings come up when anyone looking at me from the outside would say that eveything is going well.  Except the things that matter most to me.
  
  diabolic:  I'm glad your life is great... I really am, and I'm not being cynical, or at least I'm not trying to.. but in my life... the moments where I feel that life is great.. those are the passing phases. 
  
  Mamie:    Thank you for the shelter.  I think this heartache is very, very old.. maybe from a past life or several past lives..  sometimes I think all this pain can't be from one lifetime.
  
  Mimi:  {{{{Mimi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}   I read your recent post, and I know you're going through a hard time, too.  Let's make it through together.
  
  uniquely:  Of course it helped.  Makes me wish I hadn't waited for days before spilling it out.  Then again... the massive doses of chocolate that I consumed today might have something to do with my present state of mind too.  :)
  
  polar:  You're sweet, as usual.  But if you met me in person, you might not like me as much.  Maybe I'd better keep hiding behind the screen.  :)  {{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
  
  Alyss:  {{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you, too.  I'm not really sure what it's about, but  you know, I think I've told you before... I'm always so surprised and touched when you stop by here.  I don't know why... you do stop by pretty often... maybe it's a special sort of sincerity that I feel coming from you.  Thank you.
  
  PAPER & Piet:  Would you believe that it's impossible now?  This is one of the things that is really getting me down.  I just found out that my long term visa is only good for the Czech Republic and will not allow me to travel in Schengen!  It pretty much destroys my reason for being here in the first place.  My initial reason for installing myself in Prague was to set up a home base from which to explore the rest of Europe.  And now, not only can I not visit the Schengen states, but the absolute only way out of here is by plane, because I'd have to pass through other Schengen states to get out of here by train, bus or thumb.  It's insane!  I'm tempted to move to Romania, Turkey, Vietnam or Mongolia, but the acting community that I'm involved with here is important to me now and I feel like there are still some things I have to accomplish in Prague before moving on, but I feel like a prisoner in this country.  And it's so small!
  
  queen:  holding on   :)
  
  ed:  Ah, you just haven't been paying attention.
  

• wombat said on May 23, 2008....

  Wow, I am glad you are feeling better--and you do better than me.  When I am depressed I can't seem to comment to replies like you have done.  I'm sure you really didn't have to---we are just glad to see you here.  You can PM me if you want--anytime!

• kruuyai said on May 23, 2008....

  wombat:  Well, i couldn't reply to them while I was depressed either, but for some reason, yesterday was a better day (in spite of some things going majorly wrong).  Never underestimate the power of chocolate.  Or it could have something to do with a book I read.  Either way, I slide in and out of these moods all the time, but to tell you the truth, Prague is really not a good place to be for my mental health.  Maybe I'll blog about that some time.

• polarheart said on May 24, 2008....

  Kruu, well if you meet me in person you might not like me as much either :-)  Perhaps THAT is what's keeping you away? LOL.  Now, just to reitterate, I am not just "being sweet". . .the offer stands, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. 

  Love Polar

• lfbno7 said on May 24, 2008....

  Life is the shit you have to go through. Find some pleasure or relaxation or something in it. Don't expect too much. It's the school of hard knocks. We're not here to have a good time. We're here to learn and experience, and to find out what we're made of, and to find out what others are made of, and to build bonds of loyalty and love to take back home to heaven with us, and to build bonds of annoyance and dislike to take back home to heaven with us, and to just put everything and everyone to the test, and to develop our abilities.

• Lucytorial said on May 24, 2008....

  Kruu, don't forget one thing, you are there.... in Prague, someone a lot of people haven't been and you're damn well doing well! gosh! working and meeting people.
  
  All good things in time, maybe your road will change once you have accomplished what you are suppose to there some other amazing twist will take you somewhere else!
  
  I admire your courage to travel to Prague, and make it work.  Hang in there and don't judge yourself to harshly!
  

• kruuyai said on May 26, 2008....

  polar:  lol... no, no, no... I wasn't thinking of it that way at all.. just getting down on myself as usual.  Well, I don't think I can get away just now, but if I decide to attend an actor's workshop in London this summer, I'll let you know, and we can make plans to get together.  And, of course, if you come to Prague, you must look me up.  You have my number, so no excuses!  :)
  
  7:  Well, if we're not here to have a good time, then I'm certainly doing my job well!  Building bonds of loyalty and love.. well, you see... that's just the whole problem... I feel so disconnected from the human race... always have... need to find a goat farm.  Goats like me, and I like them. 
  
  Lucy:  And you are in Australia... a place a lot of people haven't been to.... it just doesn't change or take away the existential issues that we all face.  You can be just as isolated, perhaps even more so, in a mecca like Prague, as you can be in the middle of the desert.  And maybe the desert (or the mountaintop) is more conducive to peace of mind.... one: because you're not surrounded by people reminding you how disconnected you are from humanity, and two: because in a harsh environment, where survival takes all your energy, there's none left over for depression and emotional pain.  That's why I said I wanted to hurt myself.  Because the day I wrote this post, I was walking down the street thinking about how, any time  I've been really sick (like nausea) or in a great deal of pain... the only thing that has been important to me in those moments was to ease the pain or the nausea.   The emotional stuff took a back seat.  So, suddenly, I understood those people who cut themselves to make the emotional pain go away.  I really, really got it.  And I've never understood that before.  And I was in a heap of emotional pain myself at the time... so that's where all of this came from.  The pain has dulled by now... it's just regular old depression at the moment.  The kind that keeps you from taking any drastic measures.... but also keeps you from participating fully in life.
  

• lfbno7 said on May 26, 2008....

  Do you know your enneagram type? I don't know you well enough to guess but you kind of seem like a Four. So unique and different. So out of the mainstream. So into creativity and bummed by the humdrum everyday life.

• pusscat said on May 26, 2008....

  I haven't been here the past few days (been where you are honey) so I'm afraid I've only just come in on this one kruu.  i also have been reading about Sinbad :-)
   
  I really hope you have come away from the 'bathtub' thinking my girl.  I have to admit that, as a bipolar sufferer myself, you actually gave me my first laugh this week!!  Honest - it really made me chuckle and I thank you for that.
   
  What I do want to say on a serious note though is, I want you to go back to your GP or see a completely new one that has no opinion of you.  In this day and age, you shouldn't have to suffer such low moods darling - it's criminal!  If you've have past negative experiences with doctors don't let it cloud your decision.  Most GPs today have so much more experience on depression that just a mere 3 years ago.  It was some time before I was diagnosed as bipolar - depression was my diagnosis for like ever.  I am apparently, mild bipolar, which you could even be?  There are so many different types and levels of depression and bipolar, don't go by a diagnosis you were maybe given many years ago my friend.  As soon as my moods get out of control I go straight back to the doctor to get something just to get me through the bad patch.
   
  Please keep us all imformed kruu of how you are doing and feeling.  No matter how bad it is, screw the bathtub and get your ass here on Soulcast eh?!
   
  These are special hugs {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ hug }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

• dailyachesandpains said on May 27, 2008....

  Kruu:  I don't know how I missed this post as I was keeping up with Sinbad!  I was actually going to your page to see if there were any updates that I may have missed and was like "WHOA!" when I saw this post.  I'm so sorry I am SO late like I was on the last Sinbad post. 
  
  I'm glad I read that you were/are feeling better.  So many of us that read you say "I wish I had her life" being free to do whatever you want and when you want.  You showed us that even if we could, we would still feel our "feelings." Also, that you don't go around Europe and all the other beautiful places you've been without problems creeping up. 
  
  I'm here when you need me, PM me if you ever feel like you need to vent and so I don't miss it when you're in need.
  
  {{{HUGS}}}
  Daily
  
  
  

• kruuyai said on May 27, 2008....

  7:  I am, indeed, a four, my friend... otherwise known as the hopeless romantic, no?  More hopeless than romantic these days.  You are always so right on with all of this stuff, it's uncanny.  I did the eneagram test a long time ago and don't remember much about it.  What else can you tell me about fours?
  
  pusscat:  I'm glad I could put a smile on your face... at least I can still serve some purpose.  Did I get it wrong, though?  Doesn't bipolar mean "both extremes?"  Isn't it the new term for "manic depressive?"  Don't you get some mania to go with the depression?  I could use a bit of mania myself right now. 
  
  As far as the GP thing, I don't have a GP and I've never been diagnosed as anything, although my DO did agree to prescribe Prozac for me back in '96.  I took it for 6 months, and it did wonders for me, but I couldn't deal with the side effects.  Tried a bunch of other stuff, but nothing did the trick, so I finally gave up.   A few years later, I participated in a medical experiment for an anti-depressant used for post-traumatic stress and almost lost my eyesight as a result, so that's my history with anti-depressants.  I get the impression that there's no really conclusive medical test that they do to diagnose depression or to prescribe a medication.  They just keep trialing and erring.  But anyway... here I am in a country where I don't  speak the language, and what minor brushes I've had with the medical establishment has been enough to make me want to stay far, far away.  I was much more comfortable with Mexican medical practices.  So, I don't know what I'm going to do.  Maybe part of it has something to do with menopause, too, but I've been depressed for most of my life, so it's not all about that.
  
  Thank you for stopping in here and sharing your experience.  It never occurred to me that it might be possible to be bipolar without having any upswings.  Maybe I'll look into it some day.  I hope you're feeling better soon.  Sounds like you've found a way around it all.  Here's your first lopsided hug from me:  {{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
  
  daily:  Thanks, Daily.  I know that you understand, and I appreciate your friendship.  I'm really glad that you're back with us here.   I  missed you so much when you were gone.  {{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
  

• cuppajava said on May 28, 2008....

  Kruu,ihave acondition myself - talk to me.I dont mind private message

• pusscat said on May 28, 2008....

  I'd heard about your famous lopsided hugs :-))  I am honoured kruu.
   
  If you do have a type of bipolar, anti depressants can trigger awful low mood swings.  I was prescribed Depakote to counteract that and, most of the time, it works.  It's only when something triggers what they refer to as Reative depression, that I just need a little extra help.  A trained professional, whilst not actually doing physical tests, can quite accurately diagnose mental health disorders.  A GP can refer you to one of those professionals.  Believe me, when someone looks at you and says, it's not nice, but I know what you have and I think we can help,, it's like a light goes on!  Please don't put it off too long.
   
  You take care kruu ((((((((((((((((((((( hug ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0
  (how's that for lopsided ha ha!)

• kruuyai said on May 30, 2008....

  cuppa:  Thanks... I usually don't feel the need to resort to PM's, but I'm sure we'll run into each other again.  :)
  
  pusscat:  And there are plenty more where that came from.  :)  I'm beginning to think you're right about the meds.  I just don't know how I can do it, though.  I don't really trust the medical community here (even if I could communicate with them).  If I were still in Mexico or Thailand, it would be a lot better.  And then there's cost... I might be able to pay for it myself, but the insurance that I'm going to get definitely doesn't cover psychiatric costs.  How barbaric is that?  BTW, I think it's interesting that someone with the moniker "pusscat" has suddenly come into my life with such important information.  For years, my three cats were my anchor to this world and maybe to sanity.  Now, they've been gone for over three years, but on the night when I was feeling the most intense pain, all three of them visited me in a dream.  Usually they only do it one or two at a time, but I guess they knew how serious this was.
  

• pusscat said on May 31, 2008....

  I adore cats too.  When you think how the Egyptians held cats in such high regards and had one as a god - the Egyptians were not stupid people - so I believe there is something different about cats to other animals.  They know when we are distressed.  Like you say - they knew you needed ALL of them together that night.  My lovely 'Harry' passed a few years ago and I cna't ever bring myself to replace him.  He was a 'one off' :-)
   
  If there is a way financially to get the right medication it will be worth it.  I'm not sure how old you are but I was 38 (now 41) when I got the right meds.  Thinking about it that hopefully gives me another 40 years of stability.  England is actually the best country in the world for looking after mental health needs and we are the easiest country to enter for a short stay.  It may be worth you saving up and trying to come to England for a short while.  We are also a nation of actors ha ha so you won't find it hard to find a class to attend either.  There are many people who come here near me on our East coast (Skegness, Mablethorpe, Grimsby) and stay in caravans for whole seasons.  Quite cheap too - just a thought.
   
  Take care

• kruuyai said on May 31, 2008....

  pusscat:  Yep.  When they were alive, my cats were responsible for keeping me on the planet, because any time I thought about checking out, I couldn't act on it, because I knew they needed me to take care of them.  Now that they're gone, I don't have that safeguard.  And regardless of that, I have this huge hole in my life that my cats used to fill, and i haven't been able fill that hole with anything else.  I'm definitely in cat withdrawal, but any attempts I've made to get cats back into my life without actually adopting one for myself, have been systematically thwarted.  If there's one thing that could eventually make me settle down in one place, it would be the need to get a cat back into my life.
  
  Well, as I told you, I've been taking your advice to heart, especially as I'm back to being in a really bad place today.   I was seriously thinking about going to England to get in touch with a psychiatrist (money is a bit of an issue, but I have a stash that I could tap into, and that would be a good way to spend it before the dollar completely collapses and my stash becomes worthless).  But, I was a bit concerned about having a medical relationship over such a big distance, and complications with getting prescriptions filled, etc.  Fortunately, I remembered an expats site here and checked its service directory.  I found a couple of English speaking psychiatrists, one who studied (in part) in both the US and England... I hate to be so ethnocentric... I'm usually just the opposite when it comes to medical stuff... but I've not seen anything good so far with my limited exposure to Czech medicine.  So, I sent an email trying to set up an appointment.  Hopefully, I can get in quickly.
  
  I've already got an actor's workshop picked out... if I decide to go that route this summer.  It's just a one week intensive, but I have to figure out something to do with the rest of the summer, too.  Can you provide me with a link to some cheap caravan rentals near the coast?  That might be a good place to work on my novel this summer. 
  

• lfbno7 said on May 31, 2008....

  Type 4. Dare to be different. Hate being one of the cattle of this earth. Moo. The hippie movement in America was a Type 4 thing. Do your thing. Relate to your inborn creativity, don't copy somebody else. You be you, as Fiona Apple said.
  
  Joni Mitchell is a Four. She is so over the top musically, entering and leaving genres at will, crashing through all barriers, basically making up new genres as she goes along.
  
  The world of singer/songwriters is composed of a lot of Fours. They are originals. Prince is a Four. Michael Jackson. Alanis Morissette. Tracy Chapman. If you are listening to someone who doesn't sound the least bit like anyone else, suspect Four.
  
  Way out on their own tree branch. Scornful of the crowd of robots. And yet, in the dark moods, Fours worry that there's something wrong with them, that they are DEFECTIVE!
  
  Why is everyone else happy while I'm feeling like shit? Why does everyone else find their place while I'm out on this fucking tree branch a few thousand miles beyond Pluto?
  
  Fours don't hurt other people physically. The only people they hurt are themselves. They kill themselves now and then. It's not homicide, it's suicide.
  
  Fours often don't appreciate the everyday. They long for the faraway. They may be over-valuing things simply because they are unavailable. The "hopeless romantic" aspect of Four is to some extent simply self delusion obsessing on the one that got away. Honeybun, the one that got away was an asshole.
  
  Fours don't focus on the practical matters of survival, like paying the rent and such. That's a nuisance. Fours are artistic and creative.

• kruuyai said on May 31, 2008....

  7:  Well, that's me to a T.  I wonder how they came up with this stuff?  Joni Mitchell, huh?  Funny, people are always telling me that I look like her.  I don't know much about her music, but I really like Tracy Chapman... at least her first album.  I wish I could get over my depression long enough to tap into my artistic and creative side.  Thanks for the lesson.  :)

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