I sit here tonight, huddled in a blanket with a glass of white wine. It's been so long since I've had a drink, the taste of the wine seems acrimonious, yet comforting, and I am hoping the wine will warm me up – because even wrapped in this blanket I feel numb with cold. I sit in the dark tonight, for I feel it is only appropriate. It seems strange to be home~ and at the same time it feels reassuring, that some things do not change.
I sit in silence tonight, hearing only the sound of the clock, ticking away the seconds, like a metronome. The seconds ticking away remind me of how fast time slips away from us, how life can change in an instant. Outside I hear a few lonely crickets, calling to each other, begging for an answer.
The ache in the back of my head, reaches its tentacles to each temple, the pain reassuring me that I continue to live and breathe even when it feels as though my heart has broken into so many pieces, it can't possibly still beat. And yet it does. It feels as though a part of my soul has been ripped from my body, and with my emotional state as it has been recently, I am so raw.
The cool air blows in through the window and in the far off distance, I hear the sound of trucks and cars on the Interstate, speeding past, reminding me that even in the midst of a tragedy, life does go on.
Tonight, my daughter sleeps peacefully, not fully grasping, or understanding the events of the past 24 hours. And tonight, I wonder how I will tell her that her daddy has died – that he fought as hard as he could, but was unable to beat the trauma that ravished his body. I am not yet able to process it myself, how do I explain it to my baby girl. My friends tell me that some day I will understand why this happened. I don’t pretend to believe, or understand, what they tell me. I can’t find the sense in an innocent life being needlessly cut short. It makes no sense to me, not right now.
Several months ago I survived my own suicide attempt that really should have been fatal. And now tonight, I am tormented with the fact that in a single moment, a bad decision can lead to a string of events that can result in a life ending forever. I am perplexed by the reality that an innocent life can be taken by another because of someone’s villainous act. My own self-destructive behavior provided me comfort, control (no one could hurt me as bad as I hurt myself). Today, my taking my own life is not an option. Not anymore. And I can’t help but wonder why he’s gone and I’m still here. It should have been me. He was the better of the two of us.
Tonight, tears fall freely from my eyes as I think of the man who fathered my child, the man I fell in love with many years ago. The man who was a wonderful, supportive, father and caregiver to his daughter – the man who loved with all of his heart and whose smile could, and did, light up a room. Tonight I grieve for all who knew him, for all who loved him, for all who must go on without him.
Tonight I grieve for my young daughter who will no longer have a father to push her on the swing, tuck her into bed, and help her with her prayers. I am heartsick that she will not know the joy of a father/daughter dance, a father to give her away when she marries. Tonight, my daughter no longer has a father because of one man’s reckless decision. A reckless decision that ended the life of my friend, my ex-husband, my daughter’s father – I do not pretend to understand. I cannot understand.
