15.36
Tuesday
20th of May 2008

I stare at the screen and wait until my heart settles and my brain clears.

I never seem to manage to put the thoughts that I want to release the minute I think of writing here. It always ends up being different from the original thoughts that I wanted to write.

Rose is walking around here, and at this very minute, I would rather watch her frolick around with her new hair-do that Sunflower made for her.

Not 10 minutes ago, I would have swallowed any pill that would take me away from this world and sleep eternal sleep.

I am tired of this.

Yesterday, I felt almost the same sane self. After a phone call it went downhill.

I was mighty proud of myself for taking the phone call, now I regret it

On one hand, I feel I need to resume on doing what "everybody" does for the sake of the girls. On the other hand, I want to just trust my instincts telling me to be who I am. But I am utterly confused.

I wish I could cry until all these pain goes away.

I don´t want to hate myself for wasting time being the way I am.

Isn´t it life, what I have?

Can anyone here me out there . . . I want respite?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is no pause button to life.

I am tired of the thoughts in my head:

loser
failure
pathetic

I know, I am not that all that. But I cannot block out the thoughts, images, and memories of what I have not done, what I have done, what I cannot do.

Death
Depression
Divorce

I am not the first to go all through this.








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Comments

  • Never_Mind_The_Quality said on May 20, 2008....

    A GREAT mom is not a loser.

    Someone who raised the girls like you did, is NOT a failure

    A beautifull soul is not pathetic

    Remember what you are and what you've accomplished.

    Your P.

  • Sula said on May 25, 2008....
    Hello, I hope you are feeling fine by now. I don't wish to make this comment because I feel timid to do so. But I guess since I can relate to your own problems (some) and it could help me as well to do it, I decided to suddenly pop here. =)
     
    You write well. Do you write stories too?
     
    I used to write short stories in my native tongue. I give my protagonists tough challenges. This way I can show the reader why I chose this certain character to be the story's hero/heroine and that this chosen one deserves to have the noble title.
     
    I wish you well.
  • letters_on_paper~ said on May 25, 2008....

    P ~

    Ik hou van je, mijn hart

    Sula ~

    Thank you so much for your comment, Sula.  :)

    Please, never hesitate to leave your words here behind.  I would be honoured if you will write the emotion that was evoked from you by what you read. 

    Thank you for the compliment.  It does my heart good to read that.

    I use to write for a living.  But I was beset by life´s crisis one after another and I felt/feel I lost my voice, and the ability to write in the process of overcoming these crisis.  I am using blogging to lift the pressure from myself and find joy in writing again.

    I do write stories. :)

    May I ask what your native tongue is? Mine is Filipino.  I am not in my home country anymore though.

    And again, thanks for the well wishes.  I feel better now.  I wish the same for you.

    SC bloggers will appreciate comments specially from someone as sincere as you are.

    We are all here in SC for a reason, and my experience showed me, " . . .you reap what you sow."  :)


  • Sula said on Jun 06, 2008....
    Kumusta, paper!
     
    Glad to know that Filipino is also your mother tongue! =)
     
    Hindi nga ako gaano makapag-blog dito sa soulcast. May blog din ako dati, timesojourner. Masaya minsan magsulat, tapos may magko-comment, pero minsan sobrang mahiyain ako. Minsan naman pakiramdam ko sobrang magaan ang loob ko, lalo pag nakaka-relate ako sa mga problema. Sanay akong mag-isa lang at alam ko ang feeling ng loneliness, being an outcast, walang pumapansin, parang bale-wala lang ang existence ko. Suicidal ako dati, pero by the grace of the Lord Jesus, graduate na ako doon. =)
     
    Gusto kong magreach out sa iba in my own little way. Ang pumipigil lang, yung thinking pag minsan na baka hindi ako welcome. =(  Yung dati kong blog, gusto ko lang sana magkuwento doon ng amusing experiences, kaya lang sobra ako busy, may WordPress blog ako, bukod sa sobrang pressures sa trabaho. Masaya ako nakilala ko si secretlife sa timesojourner blog ko. Napaka-warm at helpful niya. Hindi niya alam na bumalik ako dito. Ikaw lang. Pero kasi baka hindi rin ako magtagal magblog dito. Gusto ko lang sana i-share yung random thoughts ko dito na reminders ko rin sa sarili ko, pero napansin ko na iba ang blogs dito, talagang personal.
     
    Anyway, masaya ako at thankful na malamang pareho tayong taga-Beloved Pilipinas. Sana hindi mo pa rin nakakalimutan ang wika natin. =) Kahit nasa malayo ka, alam kong tumitibok pa rin sa puso mo ang dugong Pilipina: brave, noble, full of love and hope, determined, talented, patient, longsuffering, resourceful, kahit saang bahagi ng mundo ilagay, nagsu-survive, overcomer.
     
    Marami ka nang kaibigan dito, ikaw ay talagang friendly. Ako kahit sa real life mabibilang lang sa daliri ang friends ko. Kase detached ako. Pero madalas kong sabihin sa kanila na pag kailangan nila ako at wala na ang ibang friends nila, nandito lang ako. Nakahanda akong makinig kahit nasa ospital ako at batbat ng mga tubo sa katawan. =)
     
    Hayan, nobela na pala ito. Pasensiya na hindi kita nabigyan ng warning na dapat magtimpla ka muna ng kape o tsaa bago magbasa. =)
     
    Take care, God bless.
     
    ~Sula
     

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