• secretlife said on May 19, 2008....

  at some point, we have to MAKE life what we want - or we have to take responsibitlity ourselves for failing to do so- 
  the choice is yours.
  i believe you have the power within yourself to make changes- but you see, you have to believe it as well.

• thiscantbeall said on May 19, 2008....

  But he doesn't know I feel this way, secretlife.
  He knows I'm unhappy, but doesn't think it has anything to do with him.
  You see, he realized he was wrong about things a few years ago, and has tried to make amends. I was happy at the time. But as time goes by I've become resentful.
  I can't help but feel cheated out of years of happiness. I wish I felt differently, but I'm having trouble dealing with the happiness our "new" life has brought him. For him, it's a new beginning. For me it's the clock ticking away. No time for me to have the life I want. We're older.  Where would I go?
  I have no reason to hurt him. He isn't a bad person.
  But I feel as though my life is over. I need more. I don't need another relationship, I merely need to be me.
  Thank you for reading and for listening to me. I really appreciate it.
  
  

• secretlife said on May 19, 2008....

  i've been in a marriage for 23 years.......my husband is happy.  he thinks everything is great, and i'm happy.  during the years when i'd try to tell him about what made me unhappy, he decided it was me who was the problem.  that it couldn't have anything to do with him-  i dunno, i would estimate i spent 15 years trying to get the message across to him that it was the relationship that was lacking.  i know all about disappointment and resentment.  i know about watching my life go by, about finding fulfillment in children, work, family- but not in my relationship.  i know about lying in bed at night thinking that he's a good person, a good father, and how badly i didn't want to hurt him. 
   
  my mother used to tell me all the time - you either have to leave him or accept him.  and i fought that tooth in nail-  but eventually the resentment and disappointment turned to anger, and i couldn't live that life anymore-  the anger eats you-  destroys your spirit.  and then everything in your life turns to shit.
   
  i decided to accept.  i thought long and hard and decided to accept.
  by that i mean i stopped blaming him for my unhappiness.  and i stopped thinking that my purpose in  life was to make him happy.  i put myself above him in that i took care of me first.  i did the things i wanted to do with or without him.  i made myself the priority, because he didn't...or couldn't.  i convinced myself after years of talking, that he was incapable of more.  and to be angry with him over that was not doing me or my kids any good.  i accepted his shortcomings.  and in doing so, i was free to make myself happy.
   
  it's funny, when you get rid of the resentment and anger, you begin to see the good sides.  for years all i could see were his faults. 
   
  i'm still in my marriage.  it's still difficult at times.  but in the end, i love this man who has stood by my side.  i made this choice.
   
  i'm not saying you have to choose to stay with him.  i don't know your relationship.  i don't know your history, or what you're looking for that you can't find within the relationship.  but i am saying that you have to choose.  either way is difficult.  there is no easy way.

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