I've barely slept in days, and in the moments between caring for my grandmother, I've been thinking about why I feel this compelling need to write about death and grief as I have experienced, and am experiencing it. This is what I've come up with:

1.Catharsis
People find death and illness very off-putting. It's this sort of conversation 'How is your grandmother doing?'. 'Not good, I don't think she's going to be able to hold on much longer'. 'Oh, I'm sorry'. Averts eyes, followed by brief uncomfortable silence, while I quickly change the subject. It's not that people aren't kind or compassionate, it's that death is taboo in Western culture. The world is supposed to be young and healthy and positive - no-one wants to be reminded of their own mortality. Accordingly, I, who have always been very sensitive about intruding my personal pain on other people's lives, do not discuss with anyone in any depth the feelings of loss and pain I have written about here.

When my grandmother was in hospital, all the nurses commented on the fact that we were always smiling and joking. I keep the extent of my sadness to myself. If I could afford the time and expense of a therapist, then I would avail myself of that release. If they're being paid, they sort of have to listen, but I can't. So I write about what would be uncomfortable to talk about - here you just have to hit the back button if you don't like what you are reading.

2.Misery loves Company
It's trite, but it's true. There's a relief in knowing that you are not the only person going through something awful. I remember when I was young, my mother was very abusive. If anyone else's families were abnormal, I never knew about it. So I spent my childhood thinking that we were the only family like this. There was a 'never tell' policy in my family. You NEVER talked about what went on at home. Here you find Souls who have been through what you are going through, and understand. I think the reason that people came up with 'misery loves company' is because there is an acknowledgment that in fact misery is the lonely, lonely place. I know how alone I have felt with my sadness, how cut off from the rest of the world which carries on, oblivious to the raw edges of grief in my heart. The kindness of strangers here has touched me to my core.

3.Grief binds all human experience
Love is such a meaningless, subjective thing - in a personal and cultural way. I'm sure cultures where a father can drown his daughter in the family pool for 'shaming' the family by being alone in a room without her family, think they know what love is. To some people, back-handing the wife is normal and natural, and even done because of how much you love her. Christian 'love' is pregnant with the wages of sin. I'm not saying that love isn't measurable  and describable - just that people have vastly differing views of it. Grief on the other hand - well everyone understands, because short of sociopaths, very few people get out of this life unscathed by grief. You show a picture of a mother weeping over her dead child, and race and religion and culture do not enter into the equation - everyone understands that. Once you have been touched by tragedy, you know what someone else is going through when they walk that path. Experiences of love, on the other hand, vary greatly.
K, I'll go get some sleep now.