so yesterday being mother's day, the mrs and i attended church (as we usually do on holidays). that's the church in which we were wed, and at which my father-in-law is the founding minister. we had a few preparations we had to make re: meal prep for the day, so we set out early yesterday morning, stopped at a branch of our favorite supermarket which is along the way, and made it to church with an unusually large amount of time to kill, so we headed to the church office to chat with my FIL, who was there, making notes on what he was going to say during worship service.
well, he starts talking about the meal, and he's making a roast using an alton brown method (involves a terra cotta planter). and he wants to stop at home to put the roast in the oven before we all head out to see his mother (my wife's grandmother) at her assisted living facility.
that all sounds OK, so we move on to other matters, although something is niggling at the back of my mind that there's something amiss here, but i ignore it.
it's only after church that we realize the issue: there's no way we can have the meal with her family if we're going to my parents' place for the evening. the roast will take 4 hours to cook, and it wasn't going into the oven until 1, meaning it won't come out until 5--by which point we were already expected at my parents' place.
what's mystifying though is that this is what we do every single holiday. we've done it this way for well over a decade. and apparently, everyone at the in-law's has forgotten that i too have family obligations that don't involve seeing them.
i'm kinda annoyed by this, but no big deal. what i'm really pissed off about though is that the mrs was really upset by this. her parents are a lot more demanding of our time than mine are, esp her father--whose behavior to my MIL yesterday was positively shameful, esp considering it was mother's day. he's gonna cross the line some day, and i'm not gonna be able to stop myself from verbally eviscerating him. in fact, i have known for years precisely what i will say to him if/when that moment ever comes.
what's deeply ironic about this is that the in-laws are fanatics about planning things down to the minute. i guess we're going to have to be sure to be clear about when we're expected elsewhere from the get-go in the future.
i suppose i should be grateful though that they think of me as part of the family, not just some guy who married their daughter.
ed
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silverwhisper posted on May 12, 2008
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Comments
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Mamie said on May 12, 2008....
ugh, don't be so ready with the secret speech of yours... at that perfect moment or whenever....they may have their own speech to share and trust me, ya can't take the words back.I lucked out of any of these kinds of issues from my inlaws little speech back in 2001 when my husband had a heart attack and they decided that (while my husband was in ICU) that it was an appropriate time to let me know that they thought "I" was the cause of "this and that"....it gave me the strength to break free...but my husband has never forgiven them. So yesterday, altho very special with my mom, niece and daughter, it did not include any extended family nor with my husband....and it makes me feel for my daughter who ultimately loses by not having a good, strong family to be attached to.On the plus side, no run ins with anyone, so that is good I guess.So did you make it in time to your fam? -
nytquill17 said on May 12, 2008....
I'm assuming that whatever your FIL did to your MIL yesterday was above and beyond poor roast timing? Not that I'm asking you to air dirty laundry online, I'm just a little fuzzy about what you meant there.
Anyway yes, ugh for possessive in-laws. It's like the teacher who assigns a boatload of homework as if you had no other class in the world but his. At that point you're not a person, you're an extension of the teacher's (or in-laws') own reality. At least it feels that way.
I get off easy in that respect because of my odd situation, what with immigration and the whole not speaking to my family for years thing. But even if I were able to see my parents more readily I don't think my in-laws would have trouble sharing us. They're pretty easygoing, plus it's easier for most parents to let go of a son than it is a daughter I think. Plus DH has been married before so it's not exactly a novel concept for them.
But anyway, raah for you!
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Twylarants said on May 12, 2008....
Your f-i-l is a minister and he treats his wife disrespectfully? Ugh! What a hypocrite. And he preaches what to other people...love, patience, forgiveness? Excuse me, but 'Ugh' once again. Sorry Mrs. Silver.
There are no parents left in our families, we're 600 miles from our boys, and I worked yesterday. I'm throwing in a third 'Ugh' for that.
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the_infernal_optimist said on May 12, 2008....
Oh jeez, ed. ((hugs))
You know I understand about family and demands on time that would involve me being able to somehow clone myself! :-p That stinks that you guys ended up in that position yesterday.
And I'm grumbling at your FIL, because it doesn't take much to treat your spouse with decency and respect. I know we all have our moments, but good gosh, on Mother's Day?? :-p
~Infernal
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papajack said on May 12, 2008....
grateful, my eye, they should be grateful to you that you work so hard to provide for their daughter, grateful that you two are still in love, and have a good life together. didn't you mention before, that you are married going on 10 yrs. I commend you for being respectful to them, but I hope in the future, you find a way to remind them, that you too have family obligations. You are a good guy, ed, anyone would be proud to have you for a son in law, I know I would. G-day to ya now.
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diabolicdame said on May 12, 2008....
That has to be annoying.. somebody not respecting your time like that.. and desrespecting his wife is just not right! Especially at a family gathering in front of his daughter and son in law. That just sucks! Did you get to visit your parents at all yesterday then? -
uniquely-ironic said on May 12, 2008....
While I miss having a "normal" family some times, yesterday was a blissful day for the most part. Neither Bill or I are in a speaking mood with our mothers, so we had nothing to fret about. My own kids were busy with teenage plans, but had the good sense to call their mother.I was a slave to my mom and my ex's parents when I was married. Always felt like I was dancing on the head of a pin just to juggle things so that no one felt neglected. IMO it was wasted stress. -
quietone said on May 12, 2008....
ah its times like this I read that I am sometimes happy to be alone. Yes, I would let the FIL know that there is a "time schedule" for others as well.. that is so not right ~ I call that pretty "controling" if you ask me. -
dailyachesandpains said on May 12, 2008....
You know, Ed, I often wonder if it's a law of life for one part of the couple to have an issue with the in-laws.My advice...keep that mouth shut and just say it to him in your mind. Learn from my mistakes, lol! I could only take it for SO long before I just let loose. Like a major in-law breakdown! When that happens, all they do is "talk" to the other members of the family (even the ones 3 times removed, etc.) and soon you'll be on their shit list too. One statement turns into a list of things that you've never thought, nevermind said. It never ends. Even though we're on the mends, they won't/don't tell the rest of the family that part. They still want me to be the "enemy" and to some I still am until I SAY that things are better. Then, they go back to confirm that with the in-laws just to see if it's true and if it's "okay" for them to talk to me like nothing ever happened.Sorry if that was confusing, but it still gets to me and it's hard to explain without all the details, lol!Daily -
Alyss said on May 12, 2008....
Damn ed, my ILs have always been pretty dreadful but that sucks. Sometimes keeping quiet is the right thing to do and sometimes it isn't. Only you can judge which is for the best. -
carmachu said on May 12, 2008....
No problem. Its mothers day. You cater to the moms, the dads dont get to vote.
Thats just how it is.
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skald said on May 12, 2008....
This is always a difficult matter. That is one is torn between two families. Not that it happened to me as I was just a year in my husbands village and then we moved back here and we visited my parents every week end. But I saw it with my mother who visited her mum every day and the mother in law on Sundays. Well here I am ranting. I just wanted to say that I know that you are a good son and a son in law,
I do think that people who plan everything to by the minute are irritating. Luv J
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truthsayer said on May 12, 2008....
Hmmm. Possessive in-laws? I don't think this is the time for me to comment right now. Just wanted to let you know that I am reading your blog too. : ) Truth -
RollingC said on May 13, 2008....
My humble advise is to let sleeping dogs lie....specially for your wife's sake. If anything let her do the talking with your F.I.L. before you do. I think it'll go down smoother.Rc. -
queenparanoia said on May 13, 2008....
can you punch him???lol... well at least he accept you as his son in law... -
MissMimi said on May 13, 2008....
It's only been recently that any of our extended family have lived close enough to do holidays together. Believe me, it was a blessing. If we had lived near my in-laws, I would be a divorcee living in a padded cell in the looney bin.
Godalmighty, that's a scary thought...
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silverwhisper said on May 13, 2008....
mamie: if i get to the point where i let loose, i really don't think he'll be capable of intelligent speech for a few minutes. he has these little flare-ups now & then, though and i'm far from the only person who's noticed it. were i your husband, i don't think i could forgive the, either, to be honest. i can forgive a lot, but i don't know if that's one of 'em. i'm grateful for not having been put to that test! o, and yes, i did make it to my family too. :>
nyt: yes, it was above & beyond but i'm not particularly interested in being more specific, i'm afraid. but thanks, nyt--i saw your post btw re: your own family and i'm still smiling from reading it. :>
twyla: yeesh, my sympathies, twyla! and yeah, let's just say i have issues with my FIL and leave it at that. most of the time he's a very nice guy, but every now & again, he loses all concept of how what he says will be heard.
infernal: i do indeed know that, thank you. :> as to treating people well on their day, remind me sometime to tell you the one unforgivable thing he did to my wife.
papajack: i'm deeply, deeply flattered, sir, that's one hell of a compliment! i will have to make sure to find a graceful way to remind them going forward.
diabolic: it's particularly annoying b/c i'm quite fond of my MIL--she works very hard to keep that house a home, and she doesn't always get all the help she needs, unfortunately.
u-i: well, i can certainly understand how it was low-stress for you given what's happened with your mother, although i'm not sure i'm recalling correctly re: bill's. and yeah, i know subtle doesn't work on teens, having been one myself! :> i've been lucky in that my in-laws are generally good people, and i genuinely do like them, so i don't feel like i have to dance as it were. :>
quietone: my FIL's actually a very serious control freak, and it was something i'd known but inexplicably forgotten recently. there are reasons for it which i don't particularly want to address, some not under his control.
daily: you don't have to go into details, i can easily imagine how things like that could happen. :> i can usually hold my tongue pretty well, keep my poker face straight, so i'm not too worried. he would have to do something truly beyond the pale for me to let him have it. happily, that family isn't terribly gossipy, so i'm not too worried about that. and FWIW, my mother is a very intimidating lady, a fact that she doesn't quite grasp, so my wife's always worried when we see my parents, so i guess it sorta goes both ways?
alyss: i think i've inadvertently created the impression that my in-laws are bad people. they really are quite nice people. just sometimes a tad...self-involved, that's all. although there was the one year they neglected to get a birthday present for me. but that's not terribly important, since birthday presents are just tokens.
carm: nice to see you here, man. and yeah, that's the way it should be. that isn't the way it is in every home, though.
skald: it's OK, you can rant a little if you like. my rants are really kinda an opportunity to get something off my chest that's bothering me, so feel free to do the same yourself. :> and yeah, i'll confess i'm bad on such intricate planning myself: i always feel...confined, restricted, when things are that regimented!
truth: i figured you were, and it's good to know that you can relate. :>
rollingc: good point re: my wife's sake. yeah, she knows i'm usually pretty good at keeping my temper in check (except when driving!). thanks, man.
sis: o, i don't wanna punch him. even when i'm at my most frustrated with him, i never want to do him bodily harm: i just wanna make him stare at his own hypocrisy in brilliant detail. and then that mood passes and i'm all right. :>
mimi: missy, what were you doing up at that hour? the inexorable porcelain call of the night? :D spending time w/ both families is something we've always done, as we've always lived close enough to visit on holidays & the like. i do sometimes wonder enviously about what it might be like if things were different--and then realize how much i'd miss out on re: my nieces & nephews and the feeling passes. :>
ed -
carmachu said on May 13, 2008....
Yeah well, it comes from an italian house hold were we can rant and rave and say F you to each other and walk out.....
That civilized polite crap is overrated.
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silverwhisper said on May 13, 2008....
heh...fair enough. :>
ed -
MissMimi said on May 13, 2008....
I hadn't been to bed yet, Ed. No need to scold. I'm very tired and cranky this morning. -
silverwhisper said on May 13, 2008....
sorry you couldn't sleep, mimi. :<
ed
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