I am sitting here thinking about some of the things I have written here over the past few months and some of the sentiments I have shared.  Some of the things I have said here I have never spoken aloud to even my closest friends or even to my children.

 

I wonder why it is that we can say things that a total stranger will read that we simply cannot or will not speak aloud.  Perhaps it is merely the illusion of anonymity.  Or more likely it is a burning desire to have it said and read by someone, anyone who might give a shit.

 

I do know that I have given details of my life of which very few living souls have knowledge.  My Edna knew it all.  She was my best friend, my confidant and companion through many troubling years.  Even those things about which I would not openly speak, she understood.  She may not have known all the details, but she understood. 

 

It was she who first located my first wife, not long after we married.  She knew that I had need to know where she was and what she was doing.  It was she who purchased the building in which my ex resides still.  She also purchased the house where my father resides so that I could keep better track of him.  At least I could know that he had a roof over his head.  He has no idea that I own his house and I wouldn't imagine he much cares.  All that matters to him is that his rent and utilities are paid.  He doesn't really give a hoot about by whom they are paid.  He was being tossed out on his ass about every year or year and a half or non-payment of rent for several years before Edna bought the house.

 

Edna also understood why I couldn't love her at the beginning of our marriage.  As I said before, all she really wanted from the relationship at the beginning was companionship.  that I could give her, but I couldn't give her my heart.  Not at first.  As it turned out she got it in the long run anyway and our marriage was a good one.  At the end I couldn't immagine having gone through all those years without her and now that she is gone I wonder about the next years.  Will I be able to endure with out her at my side?  I think with the help of my children I will, but I will miss her terribly.

 

After her funeral I dismissed our entire household staff.  My daughters applauded but my sons though I was being foolish.  They thought I needed them now more than ever.  They (the staff) were all relatively young and found positions quickly.  I helped them with the transition financially so sthat they didn't have to endure hardship as a result of my retreat into my intended reclusive lifestyle.  I think I intended to become my grandfather.  My children and grandchildren have so far prevented that.  And I am no miser.

 

By staff of course I mean those who worked at the house where I now live.  The staff at the large house in the city remains.   They are unpaid though.  They live there without expense and are on social security.  They don't have to buy food or household necessities as they are provided with the job.   It is my understanding that they are quite pleased with the arrangement.  But even should they decide at some future date that they needed a cash salary, that would not be a problem.

 

We use the city house (my grandfather's house) only on holidays and special events, so the staff have it pretty much to themselves most of the time.  And when we do gather there, they are as much family as are the children and grandchildren.   They are just a few years older than I and seem in perfect order.  Simon; the gardener, his wife Sarah; chief cook and bottle washer and Simon's brother Bradley who does routine maintenance and drives the car.  Bradley also functioned as butler while I lived there and we needed some one to handle the door during special events, but I haven't actually lived there for several years.  Edna wanted a smaller, cozier place for our declining years.

 

I rather like it here, otherwise I would sell and move back into the big house.  Should it happen that I eventually need constant care (not any time soon) I may just do that anyway.  I think I might be more comfortable being back where it all started to go right for me.  Of course neither house is mine to do with as I choose since my children actually own them both through a trust.

 

I do know that my sons would like me to move back as I would be much closer to them and the kids.  My daughters would be about as close no matter which house I live in.  I do think they would like to see the house used more though, and it is where they grew up.  And of course ther is the companionship factor.  Simon, Sarah and Bradley would all be there.  We could have our own little senior living center.  Now that I think of it I do believe they deserve better.  Beginning tomorrow they will be receiving a salary in addition to their living expenses.  I may be a bit of a miser after all, having let them go all this time since moving into this house without an actual paycheck.  They did seem agreeable to it at the time and to this day have never hinted at any dissatisfaction, but...

 

I do wish spring would settle in around here (abrupt subject change) as I grow weary of the constant change in weather.  The crocus have come and gone, the daffodill and jonquils are faded away.  The tulips have blosemed but mother nature still hasn't decided to let this winter fade into history.  The other day I was wandering about the yard in shorts and a tee during the day and that night had to turn the heat back on.  I don't know why I am complaining, this is the way it has always been here.  It ain't about to change on my account, no matter how much I complain.

 

It has been a fair spring for the most part though, the fluctuations aside.  I am surprised though that the maples are just beginning to leave out in full over the past week or so.  A bit late I think.  Now that I said that I went and looked out a window only to find that as usual I may be a bit daft.  It seems the maples have quite normal foliage for this time of year.  Oh well, what is is!

 

Content.  I think (another abrupt subject change) would be the word that best describes me at this moment in time.  I have had a good life for the most part and am now able to enjoy the fruits of my labours.  That is as it should be.   A man works hard, saves and invests carefully he should be able to sit back and just enjoy life for a few years.  I don't know how long this contentment will last though as I tend to get rather antsy after even a short period of relative idleness.

 

I was even thinking of going into the office in the morning.  I think my sons would throw a fit though.  I promised to keep my hands off the controls and since I no longer have any financial interest in the business it would be rather presumptuous of me to just walk in and say, "Hello every one, I'm back"  Ok, so maybe I'm not quite as contented as I might put out to be.

 

I read in one of evil twin's posts (yet another abrupt subject change) about a party one of the neighbor kids had the other day.  I found that to be quite interesting and humorous as it seems to happen down the street from me on a regular basis,  I hardly take notice anymore.  I do however, take exception when the party spills over into my yard.  This has happened on a few occations and they do get a ration of my shit when it does.  I am quite able to use the more profane language when it seems fitting.  I must say though that I have never stepped out into the yard in my whitie tighties (sorry, don't do boxers) to chase them away.  I don't think they would respect me in the morning.  I know for certain that Edna would have died laughing had I done such a thing.  She thought I was a bit too prudish to begin with.

 

Well this is getting rather long and I have quite conveniently run out of things to say.