• quietone said on May 10, 2008....

  I always said to myself that God must have had a reason for this.  And, unfortunately the way things have turned out with the one I adopted, maybe things are better not tamperd with.  I do so understand what you are saying. Its only a day like any other... make the most of it with your mother.  Even though I have a daughter so to speak, I won't see her or hear from her tomorrow.  sometimes that is even worse.  {{{hugs}}}

• wishyouwerehere said on May 10, 2008....

  Sending you some great big hugs, CW - once again, I find that you and I are in the same boat.  While I am sorry to hear that you also share the disappointment and wistfulness of wondering what it would have been like to have children, remember that some people probably wonder what it might have been like without them. I am not childless by choice, but in the wake of the divorce, there are times I find I am very grateful.  Who knew I would ever consider it a blessing?
   
  Tomorrow will be a little rough on this end as well - please know I am thinking of you - Wish

• silverwhisper said on May 10, 2008....

  i remember your last post about mother's day, CW, and i know this is hard for you. on the plus side, at least you don't have to spend time in the company of the outlaws so that's gotta be a good thing, right? :>
  
  ed

• Lucytorial said on May 10, 2008....

  CW you are not the only one, although I'm only 35, those feelings of missing something is palpable.  Even though I don't want kids I'm still human.
  
  I try to remember that all of my nurturing has gone towards my loves, my husband, my creativity, my life... that in a way I can still say to myself I don't need mothers day to feel worthy, I am every day.
  
  hugs and yeh I remember you wrote one like this last year too.
  

• MissMimi said on May 10, 2008....

  {{{{{{{{{{{CDub}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  I wish I knew what to say to make you feel lighter, CDub.  But I can give you a hug, and tell you what a special woman I think you are.

• Lucytorial said on May 10, 2008....

  
  
  CW... when I started thinking flowers I thought of these for you.  So CW ~ your special day too now.
  
  
  

• crybabylu said on May 10, 2008....

  Lucy, how sweet of you, hope you don't mind me telling Lucy how sweet that was.  First of all, I want to tell you how awesome I think your other blog is. Very well-written too.

  Next, I want to tell you that there is no way I can even begin to know how you feel, except I have two nephews that call me mom. I wouldn't ever try to take their moms (my sister's ) place, but there are times they really feel like my own sons. I think what makes them both so special to me is I never had sons, and they are the next best thing.

  So, I am glad that you know that closeness that comes with being an aunt.  I think sometimes, holidays have away of making us think we have missed out on something, that maybe ourselves wouldn't think on so much, if there wasn't a holiday for it.

  It reminds me of queen and how she feels on Valentine's Day, because she doesn't have anyone special in her life right now.  I really do think it is the holiday thing.  I am sending good thoughts your way, and I care very much how you feel....Love, Dee

• queenparanoia said on May 10, 2008....

  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  well youre like a mom to me cw... =)

• CreativeWoman said on May 10, 2008....

  quietone,
  Thank you. I'm sorry about the situation with your daughter.  I know it must hurt very much.  ((((hugs))))
  
  wish,
  I am not childless by choice either.  I do understand that all things happen for a reason.  Sometimes it just feels flat when I tell myself that.  I'm sure I'll bounce back.  Thank you for your understanding and support.
  
  Ed,
  That certainly halved my blues by skipping the in-law thing.  I'll be alright in a day or two.  I just needed to get it off my chest.
  
  Lucy,
  Thank you for your kindness and the lovely flower.  :-)  I am glad you have found other ways to be nurturing.  
  
  Mimi,
  Thank you.  That's very kind of you to say.  ((((hugs))))
  
  Cry,
  I do share a very special bond with my nephew.  I know it's not the same as my own child would have been though.  You are right that the holiday just magnifies the longing.  Most other days I get along ok.  I just try not to think about it.
  
  Thanks for your kind words about my other blog.
  
  queen,
  Thank you.  That is so sweet of you to say.  I would have been proud to have had a daughter like you. ((((hugs))))
  
  Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's.
  
  CW
  

• Lucytorial said on May 10, 2008....

  Thank you CW ~ nothing is more understanding than feeling like your not special because you don't have kids.. I understand this little foible, this most humble of feelings.  To be honest, if I can't receive any flowers today at least I know I gave some.
  
  

• frontanack said on May 11, 2008....

  well, it seems that sorrow goes all ways and in all forms.  What was that
  Christian verse... about the barren woman rejoicing more than the mother
  of many children???..  
  someone else mentioned it: having a child that you will not hear from
  on mothers day... and a mom who is no longer walking on the face of the
  planet...
   
  One has to be thankyouful for whatever one has.  The world is filled with little
  short ones: and I make a point of enjoying every baby I encounter, if only by
  giving a distant smile or hello in as in-obtrusive a manner as possible, to the
  ones in mother's arms or carriages, on the street, and in the grocery store.
   
  "Children: Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings, God hath perfected praise"
  I am thankful every time I get the blessing and chance to see little short ones.
   
  happy mothers day, CW.  hugs.

• frontanack said on May 11, 2008....

  p.s. I have found the presence of {{WhomEver}} has become more real,
  and more precious with each passing "holiday" spent on the outside of
  the loop. Can't help it. It just is. ; )

• Trinov said on May 11, 2008....

  Hi, I can understand how you feel.
  
  We don't have mother's day in Israel, for this is a culture where popular songs are written to mothers all year round and it isn't considered wierd. And there are also lots of jokes about 'the Polish Mom' which would be the 'Jewish Mother' in the States. A generation ago everything was based around the family.
  
  And we were not able to have kids, and trying to have kids just about nearly killed me. We were in the States for a number of years and Mother's day was really difficult for me, and especially with the in-laws, it was as if I were invisible.
  
  We tried to be aunt and uncle --but the kids took all the presents (which we often could not afford but bought anyway) but never contacted us again. And we were Aunt and Uncle to our friends' children, and we do get some very nice feedback from them once in a while! But family, no way.
  
  So I say, do something nice for yourself. It is obviously not in our hands whether we are mothers or fathers, or rich or poor, etc and we just have to appreciate ourselves when others don't want to see what we have to offer.

• CreativeWoman said on May 11, 2008....

  Lucy,
  You are very gracious.  It's sometimes like being on the outside looking in.  I'm thankful this day is drawing to a close.  I appreciate your understanding, but at the same wish you didn't feel it too.  You know?
  
  front,
  I understand what you mean.  Most of the time I can push the wistfulness of not having children out of my mind.  I do enjoy the little ones.  My biological clock is winding down.  Eve though I have accepted that this won't happen, the finality of "never" is a little gripping sometimes as I get older.  I will be ok after the sting of this day passes. 
  
  Trinov,
  I'm sorry you have to feel the same anguish.  Thank you for your understanding and words of kindness.  I am fortunate that my nephew is loving toward me.  I have other children on the other side of the family who are not. There is a strange vibe there.  Most of the time I make the best of it and try not to dwell on it.
  
  CW
  
  

• Trinov said on May 12, 2008....

  Hi, family dynamics is something that my husband and I have never understood, and it always seemed with his family that whatever we did was not appreciated, no matter what --we were treated like criminals or morons. Only my fathers' side of the family just accepted us like everybody else. And it wasn't only the childlessness,for there are several couples who never wanted children and they were not treated as we were. So we just don't bother with them anymore. But I can't say that we weren't confused and hurt.

• CreativeWoman said on May 12, 2008....

  Trinov,
  I can relate.  My husband's side of the family is cool towards me.  I've always been the outsider. 
  
  CW
  

• Trinov said on May 13, 2008....

  Hi, since you call yourself Creative Woman, maybe it's jealousy of your creativity, for most people are not creative?
  
  That occurrs to me since I think if may be my husband's idealism and the fact that he is sometimes naive, that really bugs his pseudo-sophisticate family.
  
  I can understand his family not liking me, for I open my mouth when necessary, although I tried my best to get along. (We once made a huge strawberry shortcake to top off a big anniversary party my sister-in-law gave to the in-laws --she was a professional caterer-- and she just saw it as competition, especially when people praised the cake. We just wanted to contribute. But after that we gave up.)

• CreativeWoman said on May 13, 2008....

  Trinov,
  My sister-in-laws are very competitive. I don't get caught up in that pettiness.  So perhaps you are right about that way of thinking.
  
  I have a similar story to your shortcake one.
  
  The youngest sister-in-law was ready to have her first baby.  I was asked to "help", which meant to split the costs of the shower the two sisters planned.  I was to bring cookies.  It was the one time I played to win.
  
  I baked cookies that turned out really well.  Then I stacked them decoratively on a huge silver platter I had received as a wedding gift.  I wore a one of my nicest outfits and took special care with my hair and make-up.  I looked trendy with a rockin' platter of cookies. Everyone at the shower couldn't get over about how "professional" the platter looked.  Their tupperware couldn't compare.
  
  I only did it because I was hurt that I was only "included" to defray the costs.  They even charged me for a third of what it cost them to make their cookies.  So, that one time, I showed them without saying a word that I wasn't really the doormat they thought I was.
  
  There could be a certain amount of jealousy toward me, I guess.  I don't usually go out of my way to stir it up though except for that one time.  They do look over my homemade gifts (knitted hats and scarves) for flaws and don't find any.  I've watched them.
  
  My husband isn't as supportive of me as yours is of you.
  
  CW
  

• Trinov said on May 13, 2008....

  Hi, they were just as nasty to my husband,so eventually he gave up too. When he was in mourning for his father, and in our customs the mourners sit on the floor or a box or a low stool, we were at his sisters house and there were no boxes or stools and he sat on the floor and his family litterally just walked over him as if he were some inanimate doll or teddy bear! That was it for me and he finally also understood that there was no sense in the contact.
  
  I remember buying, for a birthday present, for my sister-in-law, a nice crystal bowl, and she opened the gift box and practically sneared at the present as she held it up. Her friends' presents were much more showy.
  
  But it is clear that they are jealous of you, for not everybody now-a-days can do "crafts". And the way you arranged the platter was obviously beyond their capacity.
  
  Jealousy is a sad trait, for it can get stirred up at everything. And it is frightening when people don't accept a gift or goodwill at face value.
  

• CreativeWoman said on May 13, 2008....

  Trinov,
  I can see how that situation with your husband was the last straw.  It doesn't seem very respectful at all.  I don't blame you for breaking contact.  Sometimes it is necessary
  
  My husband will never be able to break from his family.  Unfortunately, I will go before they do.  He plays the middle.
  
  I never really thought about them being so jealous, but maybe it is part of the problem. I don't try to out do them.  Maybe that is why I am the outsider.  It's hard to tell.
  
  CW
  

• Trinov said on May 14, 2008....

  Hi, yes I can see how this situation is very stressful for you. There were times when in a confrontation my husband backed the other side, to be 'peaceful' --it always made me very very angry and frustrated and betrayed.
  
  It looks to me that you operate on a true value system and are conscious of your actions, but your husband's family may not have a defined conscious value system, but sound like they are still acting from a child's reaction system --centered around their needs.
  
  That's what I think was going on with my husband's family also, they are not self-aware people. Not that my family is so self aware-- but my father's family were brought up to welcome guests and new family members, to be helpful etc. So was my mother, but her siblings forgot all about that and seem to despise her for her willingness to help others. Even though my grandmother was one of those people who automatically welcomed and helped everyone.
  
  

• CreativeWoman said on May 14, 2008....

  Trinov,
  My in-laws judge the whole world by how they do things.  Their way is the right way and everyone else is wrong.  They come across as self-righteous and there are times I really hate to be associated with them.  They are as hypocritical as the day is long.
  
  I am very real and straightforward so I guess because I have no pretenses about myself or feel the need to build myself up, that is a strike against me right away with them.  It's a very complicated dynamic.
  
  My husband plays both sides of the fence and I do feel very betrayed a lot of the time.  It hurts more than I can describe.  It's become an impassible wedge between us.
  
  CW
  

• Trinov said on May 15, 2008....

  Hi, I'm sorry to hear this. It seems that you are in the position of being the only self aware person in the story. And I've been there and it is frightening. A friend of ours liked this quote "The [only] sighted person in the land of the blind is not [made] king but is killed." Unaware people like it that way and don't want to grow up to be aware adults with a value system. It is too cosy to stay an emotional selfish child !
  
  I've been reading books by a Jerusalem based psychologist (shes not in most bookstores because she is based also on Jewish tradition) talks about people being in a similar position as you are in (and I was in when involved with some family members).
  
  She says that some people use religion "as a weapon" to dominate and hurt other people. Her advice to people who have to deal with a situation of being involved with these self righteous (but not righteous) people --is to constantly remind oneself of your own merits, your own good deeds, your own insights and drown out the static that these people are sending out constantly. (Mirian Adahan is the pyschologist) She calls this 'endorsing yourself' and gave a system of self-reaffirment for both women and men who had been raised in abusive situations or were in abusive marriages. I guess, in short, she said that we can use our being self-aware in an non-aware environment to at least help ourselves feel good about ourselves and to protect ourselves from social and psychological abuse. It's not easy, but it helps to know that we are the adults in the situation, being faced with a school yard situation--surrounded by people who are unaware of who they are and how they are actually acting. (We have a tradition that G-d said something like : I can't stand self righteous people, they have no place in my presence.)

• CreativeWoman said on May 15, 2008....

  Trinov,
  You are very intuitive.  That really sums up my situation.  My in-laws do use religion as a weapon.  I would compare them to the Pharisees sometimes.  They want to make the best show at church, etc.  In their eyes they are perfect.  They don't get the real sense that others find them odd.  Anything that happens in the family that could tarnish that perception is kept secret. I find myself withdrawing from what they embrace, which often includes church.  My heart is not in the right place when I am in the same space as they are.  I have a hard time rising about my ill feelings toward them.  I guess I need to work on me some.
  
  CW
  

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