My beloved grandmother is back in hospital again. She has pneumonia, and the plasma cells have overwhelmed her bone marrow, so that she has hardly any red and white blood cells left. We are treating her conservatively, it's possible that she could recover for a bit, but I can feel her slipping away. She doesn't talk much, she spends almost all her time with her eyes closed. When I speak to her, I feel like I'm pulling her out of from some far-away place, and she doesn't really want to come back. In the last 2 days, I've felt like some of the bonds tethering her to the earthly plane have snapped. The best way I can describe it is she's like a hot air balloon, breaking the ropes that hold it to the ground. I feel like if one more breaks, she'll drift off into the distance, never to be seen again.
I veer between numb resignation, and utter terror. It seems inconceivable that death should even be possible - and yet it is the only inevitability we face after being born. How can something that is so much a part of the human condition feel so utterly wrong, impossible, bizarre. You hear about other people dying, and you shrug your shoulders. 'Well, that's life', we say. Until it's someone you love and care for. Then it's not 'life' anymore. It's cruel, and vicious, and nightmarish. Logic and common-sense are clear - this is what happens to everyone, you grieve, you get over it, and you carry on. My head may be logical, but my heart is just breaking........
Fire-flower posted on May 07, 2008
| views: 201
Comments
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the_infernal_optimist said on May 07, 2008....
((massive hugs))
Death is almost impossible to comprehend, especially when you're looking into the face of someone you love who still clings to life. How can their soul leave this world? How can it be that they might suddenly be gone forever? It shouldn't be possible. It seems like they should always be there.
My heart goes out to you as you struggle with this hardest of things. It's completely normal for your heart to override logic right now.
~Infernal
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Twylarants said on May 07, 2008....
Oh my dear, you've made me cry. I'm so sorry for your pain. I only hope your dear grandmother is in no pain.
You write so movingly about your sorrow and her suffering, it's impossible to read this and not feel as though I'm there with you and she is someone I love, too.
It is terrifying...I remember that feeling so well. It changes your life in many ways, some large and some small, but the changes are there.
As you say, death is inevitable, and as we age we lose more of our loved ones. But each loss causes new pain. My thoughts are with you, Fire. I am not shrugging my shoulders, no one who reads this will...no one could.
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wishyouwerehere said on May 07, 2008....
I am at a loss for words, Fire, but I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers - Wish -
lionesss said on May 07, 2008....
((((((((((((massive ,massive hugs,))))))))))))i know this is some thing you do not want to hear ryt now but its really the hardest thing too face in the world,deep down you know wot is going too happen and its slowley progressing to the stage that no1 wants to face,your granma knows that you both have had lots of love and a very deep deep bond between you and thats something you want to be proud of,just remember that she wont be in pain, you wont be in distress watching her being in pain as she will not want you to be sad and upset, let her know that your there ,reasure her that you have shared a wonderful life together make sure you say what you need her too hear,dnt leave it with the "what ifs"this may upset you and i hope you dnt take it in a bad way, but i really want to give you support that i never had, maybe you think it wrong and out of order, but please take it in the best intention your granma will prob stay along more tym yet , while she is here, she knows your there but for your own mind tell her how you feel even if you think she cant hear you,i will be thinking of you both and say a prayer for you(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) -
silverwhisper said on May 07, 2008....
i'm so sorry, fire-flower. i'm afraid i don't even know what to say beyond that.
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Fire-flower said on May 08, 2008....
Hi everyone
I cannot tell you how much comfort I have received from your wisdom and kind words. From the bottom of my heart I thank you for sharing in a pain I can share with no-one around me - either they are suffering too, or they simply cannot deal with it - I can tell how they look away when they ask me about my grandmother. Death and grief is something which so many people find uncomfortable...to be able to pour out my heart here, and to have your validation is a release beyond expectation.
Comment on "Slipping away...."
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