I was trying to say what I needed to say, and rudely interupted him, but once he had said what he wanted to say, and allowed me to say what I wanted to say, he understood what had caused my lack of consideration.
The basis of this conversation was how some of the people I care about treat me and make me feel. I believe the words that I used where useless, worthless, selfish, and unimportant. I'm having some issues with people that I care really deeply about, who seem determined to continue to treat me with a total lack of respect and consideration.
We then went on to talk about how I felt that it was unfair for me to dump my feelings and emotional crap onto him, how I should deal with things alone, and he tried to get me to understand that that was part of his role. That it was my job to care for and look after him, and in turn, it was his job to care and look after me, and that if I wasn't honest with how I was feeling, and what was happening with me emotionally, he wouldn't be able to help me the way that he needs to in order for our dynamic to work.
We talked about the issues that I have with dependance. The fact that I try not to depend on anyone ever, and how I need to learn to depend on him. We talked about how this was based on trust. I needed to trust him enough to let him be there for me. It was strange, I do trust him, on so many levels, but when it comes to opening myself up to actually depending on someone, I find it very very hard.
We talked about how things would be if I was able to do what I needed to. How he would always care for me, think of me, and keep my best interests at heart. The strange thing was, that for the first time that I can recall, when a male said something like that to me, I did honestly believe him. I believed him when he told me that he loved me. I believed him when he told me that he would always be there for me. I believed him when he said that if I trusted him, he would always be there to catch me if I fall.
It was just a talk, but I really feel like it changed things for me. It opened my eyes to what I need to do, to what will make me a better person, a better sub, and a better partner. It opened my eyes to what I think will make me happier, more secure, and less affraid. I know that it is going to take a lot for me to achieve this, but I do think that I can.
I know that he will motivate me, encourage me, and help me when I fail. I know that failing isn't wrong, because at least I will be trying, and that is what is really the most important thing. Me being willing to try. Willing to take a risk.
