This weekend was the first time I'd felt really good in a long time. I thought maybe we could do something fun to mark the occasion of me feeling good. But we didn't really come up with anything that special to do.
Instead, we spent time cleaning out the pantry closet on Sunday. We've only lived in this house together for not quite a year. But some of the canned goods and junk were carry overs from our old apartments. And I know I'm the guiltiest offender of buying a bunch of canned crap because it's on sale or it sounds good at the time. And then I forget about it. And when we're at the store and wonder, "do we have green beans at home?" I usually just err on the side of caution and get another can.
This results in a stockpile of vegetables and soup and fruit that we almost never eat. And this has been my habit for several years. I had cans of chili that were so old they'd changed the labeling at some point. But I pretty much figured that canned goods last forever. Don't they?
Apparently not. Because the other day when I opened the pantry looking desperately for something to eat because we hadn't been shopping in awhile, I saw a mess in there. A can of peaches that I'd had for God knows how long, had exploded. The can swelled up and had leaked this sticky brown botulism juice all over the shelf. And it had soaked in pretty good to all the labels on the cans next to it. That's when I noticed we had 8 cans of the same exact peaches that I don't remember ever actually eating. Yet, I know I bought them because Nat only likes fresh fruit.
I'm not going to lie here. I'm a lazy ass. I saw the fucked up poisonous peaches, and I just closed the cabinet and went about my life. I wasn't going to leave it there forever, but I didn't really feel like doing anything about it just then. But Sunday, Nat told me I had to clean it up since it was gross and disgusting and they were my stupid peaches.
I was a little scared to do this though. I didn't want to die from touching it. We usually have latex gloves under the sink that Nat snags from work. But they were all gone so I had no protection from the poison juice. So I put garbage bags on my hands. You know, the little ones for the tiny wastebaskets you put in the bathroom? I improvised and used those as gloves.
Nat was highly amused over this and she kept telling me I couldn't die from touching botulism juice. Not unless I was cleaning it up with my tongue. Which was definitely not an option I was willing to explore.
I decided that everything on the same shelf was probably toxic though, so I dumped it all in the trash. All the peaches were gone, along with cans of cat food that Nat said a neighbor gave her about 3 years ago and her cats didn't like it. So why did we keep it? Who knows. And we also lost some Rice a Roni that got soaked. And a box of shells and cheese. And three cans of peas. I hate peas. Nat hates peas. Why did we have three cans of peas? Must have been an impulse buy of some sort. One of us must have thought, "I really want to devour a can of peas right now!" And then the moment passed. It's a mystery.
But our pantry cabinet is now clean and scrubbed and disinfected. And also rather empty. There's nothing in there anymore. And I'm going to try real hard not to buy up all the peaches at the store and never eat them. Has anyone else ever had a can of food explode like that? I know the peaches were not as old as the chili I had in there (which I also threw away) and that didn't explode. Thankfully. Because what a fucking mess that would have been.
I was really proud of myself for cleaning this crap and not dying from a toxic botulism cloud. With the way I've been going lately, that would be just my luck. But I thought I was pretty well home free from injury at this point.
At least until I went to take out the bags of trash I collected. I went out through the garage and attempted to open the door. It has this little metal handle you push over and pull up on. But it has a rubber grip on it. Well I pulled up on it with all my might with one hand, while I held the toxic trash in the other hand. The rubber grip slipped off and my hand flew upwards, and I punched the metal door full force.
So now my left hand is a bit swollen and my knuckles are cut open. Good times. It looks like I punched someone in the face, except that probably would have hurt less. But this is just par for the course. Every time I turn around I'm hurting myself. You think I'd be pretty tough and bad ass by now, huh? And yet I still refused to touch a can of peaches without garbage bags on my hands....
Yeah, I'm a total bad ass.
evil_twin posted on May 05, 2008
| views: 327
Comments
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pickersplock said on May 05, 2008....
You're a peach ET! A real botulism free peach!Sorry, I couldn't resist! :) -
wombat said on May 05, 2008....
We stockpile food we never eat, too--but never had one explode before. Hope your hand will be ok. I know you are---you are still amusing us with the days of your lives......what would we do without you guys? -
secretlife said on May 05, 2008....
lol @ botulism juice.....and that you closed the closet door after seeing the explosion...peaches-.99latex gloves -2.49the sight of you making that pantry spic and span? - priceless! -
wombat said on May 05, 2008....
POW! secretlife! Cool response! -
evil_twin said on May 05, 2008....
pickers--Thanks :-) I don't mind being a peach, as long as it's botulism free!
wombat--My hand will be alright, I think. It's just a little sore, but no biggie. I feel so much better otherwise, I barely even notice it :-) I'm so glad I can amuse you! And at least we're not the only ones who stockpile food either.
secret--That's funny! Yes, I'm horrible. I saw the explosion and just shrugged and closed the door. I guess it's only right that I had to be the one to scrub it later!
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Mr_Box said on May 05, 2008....
I don't think anyone else can tell the story of cleaning out a pantry closet, and make it funny. Only you, dude. Only you.This was hilarious. Especially the garbage bags on your hands and the words 'botulism juice'. That sounds like a new energy drink or something.I don't blame Natty for making you clean the fucked up peaches either. Not if you saw them and just left them there!Hopefully your hand is okay though. Try not to punch anything else. -
CreativeWoman said on May 05, 2008....
I think your ghost must like peas. :-)
One time I was ready to color my hair and found I had no gloves but had already mixed up the color. So, I used quart size freezer bags over my hands. Worked like a charm.
I've had cans of pop explode before.
CW
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the_infernal_optimist said on May 05, 2008....
Alright, the pea moment thing was too funny. :-D And I can't believe you just saw the mess and closed the door! Well, I can, too. Never mind! ;-)
Never a dull moment, I tell ya.
~Infernal
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Twylarants said on May 05, 2008....
Well, I'll never eat canned peaches again. -
queenparanoia said on May 05, 2008....
hehehehhehehhe very funny post..... again you make another mundane chore into a funny adventure...lol... =)
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MissMimi said on May 05, 2008....
LOL Secret!I once had a toxic can of mandarin oranges that we inherited when my inlaws cleaned out mrMimi's grandmother's apartment. She had Alzheimers and had been stockpiling food for several years, unbeknownst to her family. The fridge was stuffed with bakery items that had long since become science experiments.Can I hire you to come and clean out my refrigerator? -
lfbno7 said on May 05, 2008....
canned peaches. yum. i love those things. get more. i'm coming over. -
diabolicdame said on May 06, 2008....
Hahaha.. oh you poor injury prone canned food hoarder fellow!! lol.. -
silverwhisper said on May 06, 2008....
bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
like everyone else, i liked the botulism juice line! :D i probably woulda closed the door again too, to be perfectly honest, and dealt with it a little later... :p
you know, i think i've done the same thing w/ those itty-bitty garbage bags--turning 'em into improvised gloves, i mean. :>
although i gotta confess, you started talking about the poisonous peach cloud and suddenly i kinda pictured you in a video game, walking through a greenish/peach-ish-colored cloud. is that weird?
ed -
evil_twin said on May 06, 2008....
Mr. Box--I don't blame Nat for making me clean the mess either. But I left it there before because I didn't feel like cleaning it just yet! And when you close the cabinet doors, it's outta sight, outta mind :-P My hand feels okay. It's sore, but I'll live!
CW--Someone else has used improvised gloves! I'm glad those freezer bags worked for you. I've had soda explode before too, but this was my first experience with canned food. It was gross!
Infernal--I'm still confused about why we had peas in there. Nat said she thought it was for a recipe she wanted to try and never tried it. Or just decided not to put peas in since we don't like them. But 3 cans? Who knows!
twyla--I'm sure not all peaches are poisonous!
queen--Sometimes you have to make the mundane stuff amusing or else you'll never want to do it!
Mimi--Toxic mandarin oranges? Did the can explode? I'll clean your fridge if you have real gloves so I don't have to improvise with garbage bags ;-)
Lfbno--Are you sure you wanna eat MY peaches? The trash hasn't come yet. I could dig out the non-exploded cans and offer them to you if you'd like :-P
diabolic--I'm glad I made you laugh :-)
silver--I think the toxic peach cloud would have been brown. The botulism juice was all brown and sticky and disgusting, so the cloud should match! Does my video game character wear garbage bags on his hands? ;-)
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silverwhisper said on May 06, 2008....
yep, but they match his cape! :D -
GrapeKoolaid said on May 06, 2008....
[shakes head]
Oh man... I almost fell off my chair laughing over here... :D
I was thinking, 'you could have injected the botulism juice into your lips for that youthful look'. That's what botox is, you know? It's short for botulism toxin. Instead of swollen knuckles, you could have had that bee-stung lips look. :)
Your story of hoarding canned goods reminded me of this one prank I pulled on my friend one time. I raided his pantry and peeled all the labels off of his canned goods. Threw a few cans of pet food in the mix, too. He had cans of "mystery foods" for weeks. It was quite a sight to see him open up a can and smell it to see if it was safe to eat or not. Some days, he'd have a can of green beans and a can of refried beans for dinner. He may have even eaten a can of dog food or two thinking it was stew. :D
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uniquely-ironic said on May 06, 2008....
Wow, you really take your germs seriously. I totally get cleaning up the mess, but going beyond gloves is hilarious!Next time just run the hose in there and soak the entire cupboard after dousing it with bleach. (just kidding)I've had cans go bad, but I never had a firm connection with age and exploding cans. Mostly I thought it was chance. -
quietone said on May 06, 2008....
you must be a peach to go shopping with! LOL good job on the cleaning though. -
nytquill17 said on May 06, 2008....
On the birght side, if the can of peaches actually did have botulism in it, it's a good thing you forgot them the back of the cupboard instead of eating them! -
evil_twin said on May 06, 2008....
silver--I had a Botulism Man cape!
Grape--I actually did tell Nat to go get a syringe and we'd do home Botox injections. But apparently Botox is non-lethal botulism...we'd die if we injected rotten peace juice into our foreheads. But hey, it was an idea! I've had the mystery cans before when the labels come off. That would drive me crazy though if the whole pantry was like that!
uniquely--I am a little paranoid about certain germs. At least the ones I think might kill me! I have no idea what caused this can of peaches to explode. I'm guessing it had a small leak in it and bacteria got in and then with the recent warm weather we had, it just created a disaster in a can.
quietone--Thanks :-) I was proud of my cleaning skills!
nyt--I'm certainly glad I didn't get a craving for peaches recently because then I might be dead now. Yikes!
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pickersplock said on May 06, 2008....
How's the hand today? Better? -
blondee0718 said on May 06, 2008....
LOL...too funny. I can't believe you shut the door and walked away! That would have driven me nuts knowing that that cesspool was coagulating in my pantry! And the fact that the juice was brown....ewww.This sounds horrible, but I usually clean out all of the old and labeless cans once a year when my work holds a holiday food drive for the downtown mission. I may want to reconsider what I donate...I could be unconsciously poisoning people en masse....oops. -
Never_Mind_The_Quality said on May 06, 2008....
Again I see, how a simple thing can make a nice story.
You tell it so well too!
There is horror and laughter all on one shelf.
I bet a lot of people have places in their homes like that,
with forgotten items.
I think last week, Joanna found a bottle of something.
It was way over the date.
Do you know where?
In the fridge. hehehe.
Best thing to hear though is that you feel good!
I hope you get more of those days.
~Q
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Twylarants said on May 06, 2008....
Botulism Man...Fights Disaster in a Can.
Great idea for a movie. Too bad Robert and Uma aren't available.
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Never_Mind_The_Quality said on May 06, 2008....
Twyla, you crack me up!
What about:
"Tin Man!! "The Canned Crusader"
Soooon! In a cupboard near you!
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evil_twin said on May 06, 2008....
pickers--It does feel a little better. Except I hit it on a wall today right in the exact same spot! I'm doomed....
blondee--We actually considered donating some of the unwanted cans to the food drive place, but I was worried that they were all contaminated! Some of them weren't all sticky and gross, but they still inhabited the same shelf as the exploded peaches. I felt like all of them were ruined by association. Yes, I'm a little weird. I just know I wouldn't eat it, so I didn't want to accidentally poison some poor person either!
quality--I'm glad you enjoy reading my blogs :-) It has been a good few days for me, and I hope it lasts. I'd much rather write about spoiled peaches than being miserable. Thanks for reading.
twyla--Good idea for a movie! Botulism man!
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allswell said on May 06, 2008....
oh you poor thing...your going to kill yourself if you don't be carefull! Course i have to admitt it was kinda funny..lol. I have never heard of a can exploding like that..maybe your ghosts had something to do with it...you think?
alls:)
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