I'm pathetic, in that loathsome, "oh, look at that poor mixed-up girl with all of the problems" sort of way. I should stop going to therapy because I don't want to victimize my poor therapist with my banality. I won't go to group because I don't want to waste air with my carbon dioxide outflow of speech. I won't talk to my friends about anything because I can't understand why they're still willing to listen to me anyhow. I won't, I won't, I won't.... gah….I'm useless.
And I mean "I won't," too. I can't stand any of that "I can't" business because I know I'm just too lazy and undisciplined or else I wouldn't be in this place. I've had my opportunities. I wasted them. And for the love of god, I hate myself right now for my needless mind with all its thoughts of slovenly self-defeat.
And I hate that anyone could take my not wanting to "burden" others as some sort of altruism. It's not. I'm a selfish little black hole of a person: I simply don't want to infringe upon others because then I'll feel even more guilty --I'm definitely sparing myself here.
I mean, who even cares about the crap I'm spewing? I'm a veritable volcano of bullshit. Please ignore me --and yet, I don't want to be ignored. I'm that selfish.
I'm sorry, and I'm not; I'm hopeless and yet I'm still carving "HELP!" in the sand of my isolation isle --but I am so very pathetic and miserable.
I'mNotHungry posted on May 04, 2008
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Comments
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Keynajo said on May 04, 2008....
sometimes we have to start over every day....and sometimes we have to start over every minute...as long as we keep breathing....its never too late for things to change and turn around....Hang in there....
oh and by the way.....You are wrong...no one is useless....Not even you.....
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vacantmind said on May 04, 2008....
Wow! That's the crap you keep telling yourself. Knock it off! I happen to agree with Keynajo "no one is useless." -
nytquill17 said on May 04, 2008....
When you say stuff like this, I just see what your parents did to you, what ana has done to you. Convincing you that you are worthless, that you don't even deserve the air you breathe, that nobody cares.
Well, that's bullshit.
The fact that it's bullshit doesn't make you stop thinking it, hearing those voices. I know; I've been there (still am there in a lot of ways). But at least there is one voice out there telling you it's bullshit and you deserve to be heard. I care about you. You're worth something to me.
I know that conflict...wanting to speak out, to ask for help, and yet feeling like somehow you can't (in the sense of "not allowed to"), or shouldn't, or you're not supposed to, or you don't deserve it, or nobody wants to hear you complain. For me, that's what the cutting was. I was in agony for someone to notice and ask me what's wrong, are you okay? And really want to know and listen to me. But at the same time I was terrified of being found out, of anybody knowing that I couldn't deal. That I was angry. I wasn't supposed to be angry.
You probably know the thing about how an abuser isolates his or her victims from anybody that could help. Ana and ED are isolating you like that. They are keeping those walls in place so that you won't call for help, you won't find a friend, you keep your distance from everyone. Keeping you from anyone who might show you what normal and healthy and happy really are. As long as you don't have anything to judge by, you won't know how badly they're treating you. They know that as soon as you reach out, really reach out...as soon as you let someone in to help you, their hold on you will weaken. They are doing this to you to keep themselves alive. They tell you that you don't deserve to live or breathe or take up space - they are PROJECTING onto you, keeping you blind so you don't realize the truth about them. They are the ones who don't deserve to take up space.
Go tomorrow and find someone who will tell you the truth, the REAL truth. Not your mother's truth, not Ana or ED's truth. And go kick some ass.
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pickersplock said on May 04, 2008....
Hey, kid! Nobody's perfect! -
moonriver said on May 04, 2008....
Hungry girl, pls listen to nytquill17's words. And if you think they apply to you, follow her suggestions. As for the rest of us here, hell, we certainly won't ignore your cries for help. But you must continue crying for help, if only through your blog.
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crybabylu said on May 05, 2008....
I always read what you say, but sometimes I don't know how to answer, but I always pray that you will find the strength to continue on.....Love dee -
GracefullyGrowing said on May 05, 2008....
{{{{ H }}}}Let that hug be enough, for now.~Grace~ -
Me-Myself&I said on May 05, 2008....
I read too but i don't know how to help or what to say. I feel your pain and confusion....
We all carry our own crosses. Yours seems to be getting heavier. :~{ I am so sorry. I wish i could just make all the pain disappear for you. But i can't.
You - yourself just GOT TO found the strength, the WILL to ....keep on trucking thru this life. There is NO way you can tell me that life is ALL bad, something has to be good and postive....that one thing can pull you thru this hell, you just got to try with all your might and focus on that one thing. Let it be your guilding light! (hug)
Peace and love to you! Take care, don't convince yourself that this is as good as it gets....or you will stand still. OK. ~see ya
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kunt said on May 05, 2008....
so sad, a sad story. I don't like sad stories, they make me sad. -
Mamie said on May 06, 2008....
change your mind, then.
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