I usually don't write anything here at this blog unless I'm going crazy and just want to give up. But I also like using this blog to talk about any progress I've made on the whole 'getting my mental shit together' front too. I don't want to bore anyone at my other blog who doesn't care about that sort of thing. But here, I'm going to talk about it anyway.
The last several weeks, I really was not doing very well at all. I was dealing with a lot of things, both big and small. I'd slipped back into some old destructive habits too, in order to deal with it all. Healthy and happy were two words that I didn't recognize anymore. I simply just didn't care about anything. It was the worst I'd felt in a very long time. I didn't think I'd be able to get myself out of it again. I really didn't. And the thought crossed my mind more than once to just give up fighting. I didn't see the point anymore.
And I had no idea how I could be getting steadily worse, when I'd finally taken the steps to get better. I went to the doctor and got the anti-depressants. I did what I was supposed to do, even if I didn't want to. And instead of getting better, I got worse. A lot worse. I was a total basket case and I was popping Xanax again all the time just to survive.
And even if I spent most of my days feeling drugged up and spacey and tired, I still couldn't sleep. I took sleeping pills and Xanax together (yes I know....bad....) but even then, I was wide awake at 4am. I was starting to lose my grip on reality. I was literally going insane. I was worrying a lot of people around me. But I was worrying myself too, so I didn't know how to make them feel better.
But then my brother took it upon himself to do a little research and reading about bi-polar disorder. It seems he stumbled on some information that a lot people don't seem to know about. Or at least I didn't know about it. But I guess that when someone has this illness, anti-depressants can actually make the condition worse. It can cause rapid mood cycling, where you feel agitated and paranoid and anxious. You can't sleep. And all of that leads to deep depression and suicidal thoughts, because you just want it to stop so you can get some rest.
Instead of making you feel better, it brings on an ultra bad manic episode that never ends. Just when you think you're feeling okay again, the badness comes back. There aren't any long term breaks in the cycle to catch your breath. You're in a constant freak out mode.
And this is EXACTLY what I'd been experiencing. The thing that was supposed to help me, actually made me worse. And I brought this information up at my last doctors visit the other day. I wanted to know what her thoughts were on it all. She was aware of the potential problems, and always preferred to treat bi-polar disorder with mood stabilizers and not anti-depressants. But I refused to try those. And I flat out told her that I wanted Lexapro because I'd taken it before and it was alright.
Despite the fact that I hated it before and thought it made me feel like shit. I assumed it was because I was taking twice the recommended dose of it. So I thought if I took a smaller dose, I'd be cured and happy. She just did what I asked her to do. This was my choice. And in some cases, if it's not a true bi-polar condition, the medicine CAN help. So she let me try it. And it was a huge fucking disaster. Live and learn.
All this time, for all these years, I've been getting the wrong sort of help. And that's why I always quit the medicines and the therapy, and just did my own thing. Because it always made me feel worse and I didn't know why. I thought it was just me having bad reactions. But every single anti-depressant I tried made me anxious and sick and feel 100 times worse than before I started it. And now I know why.
I'm now taking something else. I'm taking Depakote. I was really afraid to try it, but it's supposed to work fast and cause minimal side effects in comparison to some other drugs. I couldn't live like I was living anymore. So I gave up trying to fight the idea of this and I just did it. And you know what? Already I feel like a new person. Will it last? I have no idea. It's very possible this is just a 'good' episode and I might come crashing back down again at some point. But this is the first good episode I've really had in several months. I feel like I've just awoken from a bad dream. And I want to enjoy this for as long as I can.
I'm still taking the Lexapro, but I won't be for long. I'm weaning myself off of it. It did MUCH more harm than good. But my doctor said that the Depakote should work against the damage, and keep me feeling better until I can stop it altogether. Hopefully. I have my fingers crossed. And so far, so good. I'm still nervous that it won't last and that this is just a fluke that I'm feeling better. But I'm going to stick with this and see where it takes me.
What if this really is the thing that fixes me? I was beginning to think there was no such fix. And I don't want to dream too hard of a normal future just yet. I don't want my dreams to be dashed for the millionth time. But I feel good right now. And all I want is to live like everyone else and not be miserable anymore. Is it possible? I guess time will tell. If I start freaking out again, I guess we'll know that it didn't work. But until that happens, I'm just going to try and fit as much normal life fun in as I can until it all goes away....
Thanks to anyone who didn't fall asleep reading this. I know it might not seem that interesting to most people, but it's been a huge deal for me. And I thought that maybe it was possible someone else might be helped by the information. If you're taking anti-depressants for bi-polar and find that you're not getting better or you're getting worse, then maybe you need to try something else too.
I lost my hope for awhile, but I have it back again now. I'll just keep my fingers crossed that maybe this time it's for real.
blackthorn28 posted on May 04, 2008
| views: 322
Comments
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quietone said on May 04, 2008....
well, this is some good news. hey what a great brother to find this info out for you! I really hope you have good luck with this new drug. It is possible.. of course it IS!! I will pray that it is. {{{hugs}}} -
gingersoul said on May 04, 2008....
Black..........oh, i am really happy for you!!!!
I wish , i wish, i wish this will work for you. You deserve a break, a long one, a total fix. I am sorry you have been so bad the last days but it seems - by your words - that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Your brother do love you. It has been a life saver for you. Finding all those info about your conditions........i am glad you have him at your side to help you.
Please, keep us update. Have a great Sunday {{hugs}}
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Mr_Box said on May 04, 2008....
I'm really happy that you're feeling so good now. I could tell that you were the last time I talked to you. It was a big change from what I was starting to sadly get used to.I'm also glad that the information I found was helpful for you. I wanted to do something. Anything. And I wasn't sure if it'd be useful or not. But the fact that it was, makes me damn happy I decided to share it.This better not be a fluke. I want you to get better. But if things should start going awry again, please don't give up. You'll find something that works. But I really hope that this is going to be it.I have a good feeling... -
pusscat said on May 04, 2008....
You know it never occurred to me that other people hadn't been prescribed Depakote for bipolar. I was on fluoxetine for many years and it worked well for me. Then what happened was a bit of a shock to say the least. In the summer months, when I felt better (I suffer from Seasonal Affectice Disorder as well as bipolar) it was like the fluoxetine was too strong - I felt rather hyper but with a bad temper, so they lowered the dose. I still kept getting the mood swings though. I was finally referred to a Consultant Psychiatrist who prescribed Depakote. 2 a day was a little much and made me feel 'flat'. 1 a day was not quite enough so I now take one tablet one day in the morning then 2 the next day - in the morning and tea time. It seems to work a treat! I've been on Depakote now for nearly 2 years. I've also had my fluoxetine changed to Lafepromine. It's a real 'old timer' in the medication world so many younger doctors don't know about it but it's excellent for bipolar. I think so many GPs get hooked on all the new drugs that come out they forget about the old ones that do work well too.
I believe your good 'episode' now is the Depakote working and there's no reason why it won't continue. I have no qualms about taking it for life if it works. I have no side effects that I'm aware of either. Good luck with feeling more human again :-)
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blackthorn28 said on May 04, 2008....
quietone--It's nice to be able to report a little good news for a change. Thank you for all your support and I am lucky to have a good brother looking out for me!
ginger--Thank you for all the good wishes and support. I really hope this is something that will give me the relief I've been looking for. It's been a long road. And I am very fortunate that Jack took the time to help me out. I'm lucky! And I will keep you guys posted how things are going.
Mr. Box--It's really all thanks to you that I had the courage to try something different. It's not so much that I didn't realize there were other things out there that could help...I was just too afraid to try them. At least until you showed me that my 'cures' might actually be making me worse. I had no idea. So thank you for putting in the effort to get information for me. Every little bit helps :-) And thanks for sticking by me during all of this...I know it was hard. But I'm glad you're patient.
pusscat--I'm really glad you commented. I was hoping someone else out there might have experience with this medicine too. It really does seem to be working. Nothing else ever did. And it's partly my own stubbornness that Depakote wasn't offered sooner as an option. I was afraid to try it. Right now, I'm taking it 3 times a day, but I think it's the smallest pill dosage they have. My doctor said she wanted me to have a more constant stream in my system, at least at first. And then we'd see how I was doing. Fluoxetine made me WAY worse but I've never heard of the Lafepromine before. I'm hoping that possibly the Depakote is all I'm going to need. Fingers crossed. And thank you again for telling your experiences.
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gingersoul said on May 04, 2008....
Boxy.......you rock!....:-) -
pickersplock said on May 04, 2008....
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you too! -
the_infernal_optimist said on May 04, 2008....
I'm so thrilled for you that this might finally be the help you needed, instead of "help" that hurts you.
((massive, massive hugs)) -- to you, and to your awesome brother for finding that information for you.
I'm brim-full of hope for this and for you and your future. :)
~Infernal
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CreativeWoman said on May 04, 2008....
You sound "lighter" already. :-) I hope this is lasting for you. You're probably helping a lot of people with this information.....and I didn't even nod off once when I read it. :-D
CW
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MissMimi said on May 05, 2008....
BT, I tried taking Lexapro on two separate occasions, the first time for a year and the second for about two months. I learned my lesson. It helped my mood, but the physical side effects were absolutely unbearable.
I have to admit, I was a bit surprised that anti-depressants can worsen a bi-polar condition. This little bit of knowledge could be helpful to so many people. I'm very glad you found something that works for you. I can hear the relief you're feeling. It must be like coming out of a dense fog, or finally getting off a runaway carousel. Good for you. {{{hug}}}
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GracefullyGrowing said on May 05, 2008....
Hang in there with the depakote - and I hope it continues to work for you. I recently learned (in my psychopharmacology class) the difference between mood stablizers and anti-depressants as to the way they work in the brain. I guess what I'm trying to say is - what you're saying makes sense.I know this must seem like quite a victory to you! I'm really happy for you! Heck, I was able to get myself a cup of coffee this morning, and only spilled a little of it (due to the crutches . . . ever try to carry a cuppa joe and walk with crutches? Life gets MESSY! LOL) and I was almost giddy because I succeeded!! So, with that small and almost insignificant "mirror" I realize you must be absolutely thrilled. The sense of relief must be awesome.While it's beneficial to recognize the opposite, keep focused on these victories. Measure by the victories, not the battles. If *anyone* can do this, YOU can. First of all, you have that spirit. Second, you have a phenomenal support system. Third, your determination shines. That's a winning combination.~Grace~ -
Alyss said on May 05, 2008....
I can feel your relief at the explanation for what was happening but it is a huge shame you had to go through that to begin with. I hope this new drug does more to help than harm. -
silverwhisper said on May 05, 2008....
dude--why the hell didn't your therapist mention this as a possibility when prescribing it in the first damned place?! i mean, damned good thing that jack found out what he did but still!
ed -
Me-Myself&I said on May 05, 2008....
Hi! We talked about this awhile back....and i told you for Me the right thing to do was "no meds". I honestly use mediation, walks, prayers, staying busy to deal with my wacky ways! I brain-wash myself with postive words, actions. And lo and behold things start to change.
I wish you all the best, do reseach what is best for you. Try this and that....see what works for and with you. *smile* Good luck, stay happy and healthy! ~see ya
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blackthorn28 said on May 05, 2008....
pickers--Thanks!
Infernal--Thank you :-) I'm really hoping that this is what I've been looking for. So far, so good...
CW--I'm glad I didn't bore you to sleep! And I really do hope that the information can help someone else. I know I wished I'd read about sooner. And thank you :-)
Mimi--It does feel like coming out of a fog. I feel like I've been asleep or locked in a bad dream for months. I had no idea that certain medicines could make this worse either. I knew it certainly didn't feel like it was helping, but I had no clue it might be making me sicker until now. Thank you :-)
Grace--Thank you for all your support :-) I really appreciate it. And I hope that this is the thing I've needed! I know I'd probably be confused by all the medical language, but I'm actually really curious about the different ways the medicines work on the brain. If you ever get a chance, could you PM me with some info? Thanks again!
Alyss--Thank you :-) I do feel a huge relief to know what's been going on the last few months. I hope this new thing continues to work well.
silver--I think it's partly my fault she didn't mention it. Because I told her I'd taken it before and that it did lessen my depression then. But it also made me into a complete zombie before because I was taking twice the amount that was recommended. This time I took the right amount and it had a totally different effect, which was even worse. And I guess it's not a GIVEN that these meds make you worse. But it's POSSIBLE. And the only way to know for sure is to take it. Never again!
Me-Myself--I was medication free pretty much most of my life as I struggled with this. I've had good stretches where I didn't really need any help because I was coping pretty well. But other times I really lost control. And I couldn't do it on my own. But the problem was, I never found anything that actually helped until now. I was really against any sort of medicine, but I suppose when you pretty much want to die every single day, you have to accept that maybe you're not quite handling that well on your own anymore. But I'm really glad you've got your problems under control with mind over matter. That does work a lot of the time. In fact, I still need to do all of that, even with medicine. Because my mind is still overactive and that's never gonna change!
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kunt said on May 05, 2008....
sad story gone happy, wonderful that bro jack is looking out for you. -
GracefullyGrowing said on May 05, 2008....
I PM'd you some basic info. FULL of technical terms having to do with nerve cells, neurotransmitters, and how synapse works. Have fun! LOL~Grace~ -
wombat said on May 05, 2008....
I wrote a long response, then deleted. You don't need to hear about my past experiences.....
I did not fall asleep reading here---I just want to say that if you have found something that works---then I am glad. I missed my chance and sort of went through the symptoms sans help. Not a pretty picture.
I know one thing--you are not alone out there. Take care and hang in there. It does get better, with our without medication. At least it did for me.
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wombat said on May 06, 2008....
I guess you aren't reading this now, it's a little late....but I made a typo there in my last sentence. I meant, "It does get better, even without medication"--at least it did for me. But it took a long time, and I went through too much to even describe. -
blackthorn28 said on May 06, 2008....
kunt--Thanks for reading.
Grace--Thank you again for the info :-)
wombat--I'm still reading this! I just haven't had a chance to respond until now. But I appreciate the comments and it does feel better to know I'm not alone. And I really hated the idea of medication for SO long. I never thought I'd cave in and try it again. But I guess sometimes you just can't do it on your own. At least I couldn't. I did that for a really long time and I kept thinking I would be okay. But I finally gave up and decided it was time to try something else. I'm glad you got yourself better too :-)
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Quna said on May 07, 2008....
You know, while reading this post (until I've got to the point when you say that you're ok now), I thought of about ten-twenty advices that could make you better, but when I read that everything's fine now, I rememered all those advices and found out that I was the one who needed them and couldn't think of them until now.
So, you've really helped me you know:)
Thanks for that:)
And good luck! I'm not saying that everything wll be allright, but I sure hope that the most of things will be allright. And that's the rare thing nowadays.
Best wishes! -
xamount said on May 08, 2008....
i'm glad that the depakote is helping. one of my good friends' daughter takes that too. with good results.i'm pulling for you my friend.\m/ (>.<) \m/ -
Trinov said on May 20, 2008....
Hi, I'm glad for you that this medication is working.
I still think that you should find out what natural things can do for you by finding a competant ortho-molecular doctor who has a different perspective on the brain and its functioning--ie what body chemicals are not present, or are too plentiful and what vitamins, minerals, foods and herbs can repair the situation. There should be ortho-molecular or alternate psychiatrists also.
Gary Null has been a health researcher for many decades. I've been reading his stuff from the 1970's. He should have a lot of info on his website --here is the link:
http://www.garynull.com/
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