So - There's been this thing that I've been doing since my birthday, which I was meant to have stopped. That's smoking. I was given a week to smoke all that I wanted before my birthday due to a whole bunch of stress that I was going through, and after that, while I knew I shouldn't, I kept doing it.
I was asked on many an occasion if I was smoking more than my allowance of one a day, on each I answered no. I would smoke; brush my teeth, use mints, Listerine, perfume, anything that I could get my hands on so that he wouldn't know that I was smoking more than I was meant to. It got to the point where I knew I was going to be in trouble, and just couldn't bring myself to confess. I’d already lied once.
So now my problems are twofold - a) I'm smoking more than one a day and b) I lied when I was asked about it. There's a c), and that is that I didn't write down what I had done that would be worthy of punishment into my book (I have a pink notebook that I carry with me, to write things that I think he should know, it's a nice constant reminder that he is always with me, and God knows, I should have used it).
Last night, my Dom (I'm aloud to call him that now, I think, because he said that while I wasn't collared I was his sub anyway) confronted me, I lied to him again, but for some reason, I knew that he knew. I'm not a great liar at the best of times, and to be honest, part of me just wanted him to know, wanted it out in the open, no matter what that meant I would have to go through to redeem myself.
Now, this was all well and good at the time. He didn't get mad, though I knew he was disappointed, which was far worse. We sat on the couch (we had company) and all I could think of was that he wouldn't love me anymore. That I had blown it, not so much by smoking, but more so by being dishonest. Our relationship is based on total honesty. We have both admitted our deepest and darkest secrets to each other, and my lie was unnecessary, and disrespectful. I kept it together for about two hours, before I started crying, in front of our friend (who was asleep, thank God). He turned the TV off, told our friend that we were going to bed, and we went to my room. I couldn't even bring myself to get my clothes off for bed, I just sat with my legs crossed on the bed sobbing that I was sorry.
He wasn't cruel to me, at all. We sat, and we talked about what I had done, but he didn't raise his voice, or tell me that he didn't love me anymore. We talked about what my punishment would be -
1. I was to write in my book about what our love meant to me, and where I saw our relationship going, and how that was effected by dishonesty
2. I was to blog about what I had done, and how he handled things
3. I was to not smoke for a week starting Monday
4. Every time I wanted a smoke during that week, I was to make myself cum. is it at work, at home, where ever. I was to take my vibrator, and spare batteries with me.
5. I was to write the things that I had done, that deserved reprimand into my book (smoking (disobeying an order), being dishonest, and not noting the former two in my book).
I was surprised, though I had clearly disappointed him, he held me close to him while I sobbed and we talked. I cried my eyes out, he stroked my hair. He kissed my forehead. He told me that he loved me. He told me that he would not stop loving me over something like this, and that he would probably not stop loving me ever. I had expected that he would not want me near. I had expected that he would not want to talk to me. I had expected that he would hurt me.
I talked to him about all the times that I had wanted to be honest with him. I told him about how scared I was that he would reject me because I wasn't perfect. I told him about how I hated hiding the secret, and how I knew that what I was doing was harming our bond. I explained that it felt like it just got so big, that I couldn't broach the subject.
He told me he had known since my birthday. He told me that each time I had lied, he had known. It reminded me of something that my Dad once said to me. He said that I would get in trouble for doing something wrong, but I would get in much more trouble if I didn't be honest, and admit to what I had done. Usually I follow the example set for me by my Dad, but my desire to be well behaved, and looked upon fondly by my Dom, who is oh so important to me, mistakenly, led me achieve the exact opposite of my intentions.
So this is actually phase two of my redemption (I call it that, because it is that more so than a punishment) - He is making me do these things so that I realise exactally what was wrong with what I did. It's like he didn't need to make me feel sorry by punishing me, because he already knew how honestly, totally, sorry I was. How I just wanted things to be right, and how the thought that he wasn’t proud of me was eating me from the inside out. I will never forget his kindness, his understanding, his openness to my feelings. I remember he told me that he didn’t need to forgive me, because he had done that long ago. Those words still make me want to cry, the same tears that I cried when he said them last night. Tears of happiness. Tears, from the feeling of being totally loved, even though I’m not perfect. Tears from the feeling that I don’t need to be perfect, I’m not expected to be perfect, and that I am going to be loved by someone so very important to me anyway.
I’m relieved, as I said. I’m glad that I don’t have the secret anymore. I’m glad that now I can start to make things better. I’m glad that he was still there for me, that he didn’t walk away because things got messy. I’m blessed.
And then he let me make him cum. And he made me cum. And while we didn't have sex, I feel like we made love. And my back is covered in bite marks from the last two weekends, and today, they mean more to me than normal.
jezzabell posted on May 03, 2008
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Comments
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DaddysLittleSlut said on May 03, 2008....
This is a beautiful thing Jezzabell. I also love that you carry a pink note book. I'm a bit techy so i do the same in my pda phone; sending off emails pics and mini videos to Master.I'm new (am i still new? - 5 months now) to this lifestyle and the most incredible part is how much our Master's want the best for us. I've tried to explain BDSM to a couple guys I was dating to see if they would be into it and I can't even use the sadistic masochist terms. I'm not into pain and neither is Sir but, there's a little and I like it. But, to take the relationship as a whole - how can we lump it together with Mar qu de Sade (~spellcheck!). Look how fricken beautiful it is.Your story really demonstrates the love of a loving Dom and the sub. This story has made me cry and i've been very tough lately. -
pusscat said on May 03, 2008....
Oh jezz. The reason I am so happy and not sad about this post is that, from what I have read of you, and what I perceive of you from the lovely PMs you send me, your insecurities could not be in better hands than with Sickman. Each time you post, we see a little more of His character coming through and I now know that my original opinion of that man was right if not underestimated :-) It is how a Dom deals with such a situation that truly seperates the great from the ok and the wannabes. I think you already know which category He falls in.I hope over time He can make you see the beautiful person that you are - He obviously saw 'her' from the beginning :-)Completely going off subject now - when you mentioned the batteries it made me smile. It reminded me, whenever I stand in a checkout queue, like today, i'm always looking round thinking "I'm sure I've forgotten something" then i spot them. At the end of the isle I always seem to be at are batteries. Tthey always seem to have an offer of buy one get one free so i buy about 3 dozen batteries! It makes me smile as I wonder if anyone else in the queue is thinking what I'm thinking ha ha ;-) -
Sickman said on May 03, 2008....
DLS,
She is kind of 'techy' I mean heck, her entire job is techy. She used to have a PDA - which she gave to me *I'm not overly 'techy' so it took a bit of convincing* so now she uses a nokie n95 or something, which seems exactly the same except it has those annoying keyboards instead of qwerty.
Her thing is that she sends me a e-mail every day listing what she eats. Sometimes she likes to add little things down the bottom, partially I think, to see if I actually read them, but also a way of getting out a feeling she has had all day, that she needs to get out, but doesn't want the direct attention it would get if she SMS'ed.
pusscat,
As always you honor me with your posts. For once, I don't know what else to say other than,
Thank You.
Sickman -
sweet_rose said on May 03, 2008....
The dynamic we have in a D/s relationship is all about accountability. It factors in so many different ways. The tricky thing is our Dominants are in the same boat as well. They have to show we cannot get a way with anything. If they let something slide our respect for them would slowly diminish. And we could very easily top them. It takes a very strong and devoted Dominant to keep track of what we are doing.
What if your Master didn’t hold up to His end of the punishment? The structure would break down and the relationship would simply not work correctly.
As the days progress forward you will see yourself disappointing Him less and less. Everything you do will become more purposeful. You now have a very bitter taste in your mouth of what it feels like to disappoint and I bet it is a long time before that mistake happens again.
Best wishes and good luck with not smoking. It’s a tough one for sure.
rose
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DaddysLittleSlut said on May 04, 2008....
Cool. I like to think of mine as my electronic leash. Master can always reach me. Your very awesome to help with her diet as well. -
Sickman said on May 07, 2008....
The Dominant...
Above all else he cherishes his submissive, in the knowledge that the gift she gives him is the greatest of all. He is demanding and takes full advantage of the power given to him, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift.
He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may control others. As a stern and demanding Dominant, he can cause his sub to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, he will then kiss the tears away, without ever stepping out of character.
In times of trouble, a Dominant will leave the roles behind, to be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals. He is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality. He would never ask a submissive to put him before her career, or family, just to satisfy his own pleasure.
To win his submissive's mind, body and soul, he knows he must first win her trust. He will show his submissive humor, kindness, and warmth. He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction.
He is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, he will fight for his ladies' honor. He proves to her that he is someone she can lean on, and depend on.
He is old-fashioned enough to be a bit of a chauvinist, yet modern enough to respect his woman. Quick to point out the differences between them, he also knows there is no inferiority in those differences.
When it comes time to teach his submissive her lessons of obedience, he is a strong and unyielding professor. He will accept no flaw, nothing less than perfection from his student. Never does he use discipline without good reason. When he does, it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.
He is a careful guide, with safety always his main concern. He knows how to use pain to extend the bounds of pleasure. He is a mentor who can bring her to the edges of her envelope, and gently show her the inner courage to reach new heights.
He is always open to communication and discussion, always ready to hear her wants and needs. He is patient, taking the time to learn her limits, and knowing that as her trust of him grows, so will they.
He never has to demand ritual behavior by her. She responds to him out the want of pleasing him. Compliance comes from the wanting to please, not the fear of punishment. He understands the fragile nature of mind and body, and never violates the trust given to him.
He is secure enough to laugh at himself and the absurdities of life. Courageous enough to accept assistance. Open minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. His tools are mind, body, spirit and soul with a little help from rope, paddle and blindfold. He understands that each partner gains most from pleasuring the other. And both of them know that love is the only binding that truly holds. -
pusscat said on May 07, 2008....
Beautiful Sickman. . . quite beautiful. I remember being in tears the first time I read this piece. I can't for the life of me recall where it was (may have been Seekers.org or Submission, BDSM and Dominance) but it's irrelevant. The piece itself is priceless. It says a lot about the man that takes the time to seek these little gems out :-) I think most here know B's and my story and I wish for nothing more than to be his student, pupil, friend, lover, confidant, submissive. From what I have seen in jezz, she is everything a Dom could hope for in a sub. Loving, willing to learn and eager to please and you my friend are everything that a sub could want or need. I hope the two of you spend many, many years within your loving relationship :-)
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Sickman said on May 07, 2008....
You don't need my permission, this article has been one of the most copied Dominant articles online, so feel free to do so.
Jezz is my special one, she will always be that to me.
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sweet_rose said on May 07, 2008....
It's called the Dominants Creed. We have the submissives Creed as well.Every good Dominant has read it and knows it well.The third link is for jezz... I think it will help a lot. :-)Best wishes,rose -
pusscat said on May 07, 2008....
I shouldn't have read the Submissive's Prayer should I rose?Couldn't help myself though. It is very beauitful but a world away. -
Sickman said on May 07, 2008....
pc, you're beautiful, never forget that. And anything is possible. -
pusscat said on May 07, 2008....
Now I'm really going to have to 'put my foot down with a soft slipper' if people insist on making me blubber!Only kidding of course :-) Thanks Sickman, that's a lovely thing to say.If ever you see me feeling pathetically sorry for myself, kick my ass! x
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