My grandmother is back in hospital - her blood tests came back, and they're really bad. It's odd because she seemed to be doing ok. It's a roller-coaster - then she's a bit better, and I'm elated, and then she goes down, and I sink back into this black hole. No matter how inevitable the inevitable is, I can't quite wrap my mind around losing her. My mother and grandfather I could accept. My grandmother is different. She really has become my child in so many ways.
She hates needles, and when they put the IV up tonight, she was utterly distraught. If I could I would take a needle, give up a kidney, or whatever else for her. But I can't, and I hate that feeling of not being able to do anything, of being utterly helpless to help her. She's so tiny, and fragile - my instincts to protect and nurture her are in overdrive, with nowhere to go. All I can do is tell her over, and over again how much I love her. It just doesn't feel like enough. I suppose my struggle is really to make peace with my limitations.
Fire-flower posted on May 01, 2008
| views: 313
Comments
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the_infernal_optimist said on May 01, 2008....
((massive hugs))
It's difficult to come to terms with an impending loss...it just seems like some people aren't supposed to ever leave us. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Fire.
Never underestimate the power of love, or what it means to her. She might be frail in body, but her spirit is strong and warm because you care so much.
And I do understand about how certain losses are weighted differently. The loss of my mother would be easier to bear than that of my grandfather, for instance. You just bond differently and more strongly with certain people in your life.
I wish you strength and peace as you deal with this.
~Infernal
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secretlife said on May 01, 2008....
i know how difficult it is to watch the ones you love the most suffer.it is very much like being on a roller coaster----one day might be good...the next terrible, and the emotional ride is exhausting.the best advice i can offer you is to try to get plenty of sleep ...take care of you....so you can have the strength you're going to need to take care of her.and hold her and kiss her and tell her how much you love her as often as you can.they'll be no regrets later if you do that. -
wishyouwerehere said on May 01, 2008....
Fire - Do not underestimate the power of your love and caring for your dear grandmother. I am sure it is a great source of strength and comfort to her. I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. Please know I am thinking of you and keeping you both in my prayers - Wish -
Eilan said on May 01, 2008....
I know the feeling. I'm so sorry.
*hug*
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Fire-flower said on May 02, 2008....
Infernal - thank-you for your kind words, and for understanding
Secret - thank-you for the really good advice
Wish - thank-you for your thoughts and prayers
Eilan - thank-you for stopping by, and commenting.
To all of you - I feel like I have a bunch of Cyberspace Guardian Angels watching out for me, and that is so comforting.....((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
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silverwhisper said on May 02, 2008....
the last sentence in this blog entry is very wise, fire-flower.
although i've never been in your situation, i've known others who have and recognize well the frustration and impotence in your words. for what it's worth, i truly am sorry.
ed -
quietone said on May 02, 2008....
Just being with her I am sure is more comfort to her then anything else. I agree - your last sentence says it all. I am sorry you have to go through this.
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pickersplock said on May 02, 2008....
I'm glad she has you, Fire. -
lionesss said on May 02, 2008....
((((((((((((( massive hugs))))))))))))))) I know how your feeling ryt now, wen my granma was ill i was so protective,i cried all the tym but i never let her knowas long as she knows that your there then she will be happy, its very hard to see a loved one so weak and feel so helpless but she knows your there and you care,i will be thinking about you and say a prayer for you and your granma, as you av a special bond just the same as i did with my granma ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) -
soulsurviver said on May 03, 2008....
I will get on my knees and pray for her! -
iamshay said on May 04, 2008....
Fire => as you go through with this tough time, thousands of angels hearing your cry. I surely believe grandma will be ok.No amount of words will take away you fears but knowing that grandma is well love and care,gives her courage to fight.=> grandma will be in my prayers =) -
Fire-flower said on May 04, 2008....
Silver - it's worth a great deal
Quietone - thank-you for your support
Pickers - reading you always cheers me up!
Lioness - (((((((((((((((((((((hugs back))))))))))))))))))))) You have the heart of a lioness
Soulsurvivor - your prayers must be helping, because she's doing a little better. Thank-you
Shay - thank-you for reminding me that the Angels do hear us.
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crybabylu said on May 06, 2008....
how wise you are. to know exactly what it is that you are feeling. I am so sorry your grandmother is going through this. I will pray that everyone's strength holds up....love dee.
Comment on "Not doing so good"
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